This time of year!

Hello! Long time no write!

I haven't been blogging, as I haven't really had much to report on the ED side of things, and there's only so many stories you can tell about hiding bags of sick or eating an entire bakery! 

My reasoning for popping up today is just to say hi really! To let you all know that I'm still ok. I don't have a number of days to report (like I used to), but it's been roughly 19 months since I last acted on my Eating Disorder, otherwise known as ED! That's a flipping massive achievement and just last week, my Dad and I had an emotional moment thinking back to the terrible state my crazy mind was at 19 months ago! 

You know, it's weird, I'm in a fantastic place in my life at the moment, couldn't be happier, but I still can't bring myself to read back over my own blog! I tried, but I found myself feeling so sad and upset about how far down the path of self destruction I was in, how much I was hurting myself (mentally) and how depressed I was! 

This time of year is hard for me and ED. We spent many years looking forward to this time of year together - too much food, lots of opportunities to sneak off for private rendezvous in the toilets, over eating and not really having to hide it, as everyone is overeating, and yet, so much guilt at my secret life!

It's also a time of year that coincidentally both sets of my crazy lady sessions stopped! Bloody shit timing eh, but it just so happened that way, twice! 

Saying goodbye to my crazy lady therapist this time last year (who, when I told her that I referred to her this way, was hysterical with laughter) was like saying goodbye to a friend who I knew I was never going to see again! I think I harped on about this last year, so I'll save you the dramatics! 

And the most obvious thing! Christmas is about food and booze . yes I know it's really about the birth of our saviour and celebrating his life, but after I've finished praying and thinking about Jesus and doing Jesus(y) things, I'm left with a whole lot of amazing food to eat, a whole lot of parties to go to, and a whole lot of guilt of how much I'm enjoying all of these things! Not so much these days, but I do still struggle to not go over the top! 

I don't think it'll matter how any months or years that ED hasn't controlled my thoughts, I think I'll probably always struggle with him at Christmas! 

So yes I'm happy, I'm content, but there is also a tiny undercurrent that follows me around. Maybe it's always there, but just seems more prominent at Christmas! 

But the key is acknowledge it! And I do! 

As much as I hate ED, I still have to accept that he's part of my life, and just check in on him every now and then! Make sure he's not sharpening his knives too much, or plotting his revenge of my dumping of him! And he hates it when I pull him up on trying to turn me again! He's my bitch now! And I intend to keep it that way!

Anyway, like I said, it was just a little blog to pop up again! 

I know that some people who read my blog, do so because they relate to me. Not necessarily to the eating disorder, but the loneliness, depression, addiction! And to all of these people, I ask how you are? Are you on your way out of your dark place? If not, I want to help you! Please reach out to  me. I only dug myself out of this shit hole by reaching out to someone else, and she was a practical stranger who I met online - right dodgy character too - ha ha, only kidding, she's ace! 

And for those of you who have come out of the other side, I take my hat off to you! 

2012 as you know was a shocking year for me (and my lovely husband). I started 2013 with the intention to make sure it was a good one, and I tell you what, it's been cracking!!! 

I cry every single New Years Eve, always  have done. Usually because of thinking of my lovely Nanny Lil and her New Year's eve tradition of out with the old and in with the new back/front door opening, which I now do! But sometimes because i'm happy and for some reason 'Old Lang Syne' makes me feel emotional! Weirdo! 

Last NYE I cried because I'd just about survived a really shitty year, and was determined to not have another one the same! I haven't! It wasn't luck, it wasn't 'in the stars', it wasn't because of circumstance, it was because I, or actually, we, Steve and I made it! We got help from our guardian angels (Dad and Kristel and all of our friends and family), but we rocked 2013!!!!! 

If this year has been a shit one for you, make 2014 your year! It won't happen unless you make it!!!

Anyway, I want to wish you a merry Christmas and a very happy, healthy new year!!! 

May all of your dreams come true, and all of your wishes become realities!!! God I'm getting sentimental in my old age!!!!

Oh, and by the way, ED - Ya Mum!!!! 

Now I get it!

What a difference a year makes! Yep, I made it 1 year without acting on my Weird Crazy EDness! Not one binge, not one purge! I've been tempted, and come very close, but I managed to peel ED's rancid, moldy  scummy claws out of my still healing and sensitive skin, and tell him to piss off! 

Can I get a standing ovation? Maybe a Mexican wave in my honour??? 

So my last blog saw me saying goodbye to a really tough year that was 2012. It was a hard blog to write, digging deep over 7 months or so of battling with my ex, ED! But it felt good to be saying adios, and looking to a new year of feeling happy, feeling healthy and finally rebuilding my self esteem, learning to love myself and look after myself again! Let me tell ya...I have! 

I feel like a new woman and I'll no doubt bore you with telling you why! Don't worry, I'll try to throw in a bit of drama and depression to keep you gripped! Lets face it, no-one wants to just hear about how great everything is, do they? 

I'll start off with my amazing breakthrough in life! The title of this blog entry is 'Now I get it' The 'it' being 'healthy living' 

I always thought I knew it all. Always thought I knew what I was doing to my body, knew how to get slim, knew what to do, but always blamed being over weight on various factors. No will power, ED (mostly ED), lifestyle,circumstance, supermarket aisle arrangement, my PCOS (Polycystic Overy Syndrome), maybe I've got an under active thyroid, a slow metabolism? No time to eat healthily, blah blah blah! 

I still have crappy will power, my PCOS probably is a factor (a very small one), lifestyle etc etc, but I also know that the reason I was overweight, using ED as get out clause, is mainly because I had no idea of what I was doing to myself! The food I was eating, the amount I was eating, and the exercise I was doing was just not enough to counteract my intake! 

God, I'm gonna sound like a real no-it-all now, but I really want to share my developing mind. 

So it's been 4 months since I started to understand properly! You might remember last year I said I was following a calorie controlled plan, using My Fitness Pal app on my phone. I wasn't really following it to the tee. I was being honest about my food and alcohol intake from Monday to Thursday night, then taking the weekend off! So my weight was bouncing up and down by 3-4lbs and not really getting anywhere. 

So the beginning of Feb, i had a bit of a meltdown to Kristel. 'Why aren't I loosing any weight, what more can I do?' She explained how the plan worked. Kristel is THEE My Fitness Pal spokesperson by the way. Not officially, but she should be paid for all of the help she's given other people for explaining it, and for for loosing 4.5stone on it herself. Can we get a round of applause for my skinny sister? 

Anyway, I could still eat a bit more at the weekend, still have a boozy Saturday if I wanted, but I had to still log everything I was consuming...,Monday to Sunday. See what my weekly average of calorie consumption was. 

It took me a few weeks to get my head round it and believe that I could actually loose weight, even though I had a mega weekend... but it was because i'd saved my calories up through the week, doing more exercise to earn extra calories so that I didn't feel guilty about my Saturday night take away! 

It's the healthiest i've ever been towards food and exercise. It's like something inside me snapped and was like 'This is what most people actually do to loose weight, then maintain it'
 I've spent my life with my weight either being low or high and never the same for more than a few months at a time. I was either on a diet or not! 

I'm allowing myself big blow out days if I have days where I don't eat as much. 

My weight loss is averaging around 2lbs a month! Not a lot right, but you don't see me holding back on a night out, trying to survive on a poxy salad when I actually want spaghetti Bolognaise. So if you've read my blog from day 1, going back to last year, you understand what a massive breakthrough this is. 

The old Louise would need to see at least a 2-3lb weight loss every week! The old Louise would be despairing in a restaurant because I couldn't work out the exact Point/Syn/Carb value, and feeling particularly unsatisfied with my choice whilst everyone happily eats their 'treat for the week'

 

Like I say, the weight loss is slow, but this time by Christmas, I'll be another stone lighter! As they say, slowly does it!  

My exercise level has quadrupled too, which helps to earn calories, as well as totally transforming my body, and my mind if truth be told. 

They say that exercise encourages natural endorphins, it's true. 

I was always one if them people who hated the gym, forced myself to go swimming, convinced myself I enjoyed doing work out DVDs at he. Do'ya know what, I despised it! 

But I've found MY exercise that I love doing, and I've shocked myself. Bootcamp! Bloody hard work, but I love it. 

And walking! As you might know, Kristel and I are training for a 50k walking challenge in September. The training is great. We walk along (Usually some part of the Thames Path), and talk crap for hours at a time! 

The Challenge is The Thames Path Challenge (50k), and our justgiving page www.justgiving.co.uk/blisters50k if you'd like to read more. 

Anyway, getting back. I still have weird days, I still have down days, but when I look back to a year ago, I know how far I've come. 

I look forward to a future of No ED at all. It seems like a less impossible thing these days. I never thought he'd be completely gone from me, but I look forward and he's not there! 

As I say, I still have shitty days, but I'm a person, I'm a woman, I'm a Mum, a Wife etc. doesn't everyone? The problem with having had depression, is that when you have a bad day, your nearest and dearest worry that it could be depression creeping back. Especially if you have a few bad days on the spin, seem more snappy or emotional. 

I hope Kristel won't mind me mentioning a particular incident when this came up. 

I'd just had my Big Fat 30th party, and after planning it for months....okay years, it was all over. You know me, I do like to have something to plan, and I had nothing. 

 

I was looking for a job, which I quickly learnt was gonna prove harder than I thought, and be a road of rejection (an emotion I don't deal particularly well with) and the road seemed very long. 

I was being turned down from even joining job agencies given that I'd 'been out of the game' for over 3 years. 

It got me down, if I'm honest, I was well and truly pissed off. But it was just that, I was pissed off. 

I was maybe drinking slightly more than I'd got my alcohol level down to, and so my weight loss had plateaued, which pissed me off even more.

 

Kristel became worried, she was worried that I was slipping back into a mild depression. So as sisters do, we had a good chat. She told me that she was worried that I'd been down quite a bit lately, and was it a good idea that I was lowering my crazy lady meds. 

I explained that I was just having a few down days because of looking for a job, having no money, Amelie was acting up quite a bit (probably with the anticipation of change on the horizon), and it was just general feeling down, rather than my old depression creeping back in. 

I know that given my history, and how quickly I went from being 'Louise' to being 'crazy Louise who needs crazy lady drugs and councilling, TWICE' I know that my nearest and dearest are probably on high alert. And I love that Kristel was caring for me, and just looking for the old signs. But it was just regular, 'not that crazy Louise' feeling pissed off. 

Anyway, I mentioned that I was coming off my Crazy Lady Meds. It was something I done with my doctor, a process we did slowly, and I knew inside that I was ready. 

I was on 40mgs before Christmas, we then went down to 20mgs for 6 weeks, them to 10mgs, down to 10mgs every other day. I've been off them for about 6 weeks now, and no sign of bring completely unstable without them, so here I am, pill free. 

The pills aren't something I ever felt shame taking. They bloody well helped me to stay slightly less over the edge crazy that my eating disorder had driven me to. They gave me a ledge to lean on when I really couldn't stand alone. And to Prozac, I thank you. 

Anyway, I've gone on enough. I wanted to blog on my year anniversary to celebrate what a long way I've come, to show any sufferers out there that it can be done. Encourage anyone with an addiction, depression or whatever it is, that with hard work, a year from now, you could be in a very different situation.

 

 

2012 in a nutshell!

My last blog of 2012. I'm going to take you on a journey of my inner most feelings, ups and downs and then look forward to 2013!

Well, shall we start at Midnight on January 1st 2012??? 'Happy New Year!!!!!!' I simultaneously kiss and cuddle my gorgeous husband and beautiful daughter! I turn to my Sister and have a cuddle, make my way through the room, kissing and cuddling everyone, doing Auld Langs Syne, all the time, with a smile plastered on my face! A fake smile! Don't get me wrong, I had a brilliant night, but my state of mind was at it's height of crazyness! And 'Happy New Year'? REALLY??? I wasn't happy, I was far from happy. I was just about to embark on one of the scariest processes of my life! Therapy Round 2! Getting to know my therapist, learning to trust her, opening up about the all of the demons stored in my big crazy head!

The beginning of the year started in a haze, I was so mixed up, depressed, not with it. I felt like I was constantly forgetting things, had no zest for life, I was tired, snappy, jealous of people, sensitive to the smallest of things, and ED was rubbing his hands together! It was his time to shine! And boy did he!!! I was back upto bingeing and purging at least 2 times a day! I was lying about my food intake, eating in secret, and being sick until my stomach hurt!
I was also having quite regular panic attacks. A very memorable panic attack came on Thursday 2nd of February. The day started really well, a normal day. I was doing my regular cleaning job at my Sister's house, ipod blasting in my ears whilst I dusted the dining table! Then a song came on... Jessie J, Who you are. I started to sing along to the song, then realised that the song was about me. It was like Jessie J had gotten in my head and wrote this song for me! Here are the lyrics in case you don't know the song!

I stare at my reflection in the mirror  
Why am I doing this to myself?  
Losing my mind on a tiny error  
I nearly left the real me on the shelf  No, no, no, no, no
 
Don't lose it all in the blur of the stars 
Seeing is deceiving, 
dreaming is believing  
It's okay not to be okay  

Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing 
 Everybody's bruising 
Just be true to who you are
 
Who you are, 
who you are, 
who you are  
Who you are, 
who you are

Brushing my hair, 
do I look perfect  
I forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah  
The more I try the less it's working, yeah, yeah, yeah 
'Cause everything inside me screams No, no, no, no, no
 
Yes, no's, egos, fake shows like boom  
Just go and leave me alone 
Real talk, real life, good luck, good night 
with a smile, that's my home, that's my home, no No, no, no, no, no

Here is the link to Youtube if you want to listen! 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2WWrupMBAE 

It goes on, but I won't bore you with the repeating bit! 

Can you see how this song meant so much to me??? Its ok not to be ok. Yet, I felt like I was putting this facade on. I was pretending I was ok, when inside I was an emotional wreck! 

Back to the panic attack! As the song ended, I was a heap on the floor, sobbing, not able to catch my breath. I NEEDED help. I needed someone to help me! 

I pick up my phone.... 

I can't phone Steve, he has his 1st ever major exam in the morning. I can't put this on him when he's already feeling so stressed out himself! 

I can't phone Kristel. She was having her hair done and I know she doesn't get service in her hairdressers.

I can't phone Emma or Jessica, as they're at work and I know not able to take a call or reply to an email that quick.

EJ - I can't phone her as she is also at work, but I know she will reply to an email instantly. 

 

With tears streaming down my face, my breathing just returning to a slightly less heart attacky speed, I begin to type. I can't even remember what I said. I don't even know what I thought i'd gain out of sharing this with her, but as I wrote, I began to realise how low i'd sunk. I was on the edge. I blurted out how bad it had gotten again, I explained my utter petrifying fears of going into therapy again.

EJ replied very quickly telling me that everything was going to be ok.I was going to get through this and

i'd done the right thing in just blurting it all out. So, I want to thank EJ for this... a lot. 

Writing this part of 2012 has just made me really cry. The emails back and forth were a lot more detailed from I remember, but its so hard to recount how ill I was back then, so please forgive me for missing bits out!!!! 

Another huge panic attack came from an incident at my nurses office. I am still incredibly angry about this, but here goes. 

I hadn't started actual therapy yet at The Maudsley, but I had had a consultation there, been assessed for what sort of therapy i'd need, and weighed ect. 

Ok, so it's my pill check appointment with my nurse. I know the process, so I went in prepared. She asked me if I smoke, how many units of alcohol (I daren't tell her I was on about 3000 a week - ok, not 3000, but a lot), and then the dreaded scales. The conversation went like this. 

N. hop on the scales

M. I'd rather not know my weight if that's ok

N. OK, why? 

M. I'm currently receiving treatment at The Maudsley for Bulimia and my weight is a huge issue and i'm really struggling with it. 

N. Shocked face at looking at the scales You have put on 5kgs in the last month Mrs Hirst, How is that even possible? You are now **KGs!

M. Thank you Nurse, but I asked not to be told my weight. 

N. with a weight gain like that, something must be wrong

M. Yes, I am bulimic and have been trying my best not to throw everything I eat up, hence the sudden weight gain. 

N. You need to go on a diet. You are Obese. 

M. Still trying to keep myself under control. I am receiving treatment from the Eating Disorder Unit and will be put on a special plan where I will be monitored and received support. 

N. You should go on Weight Watchers or Slimming World. 

M. That's what's got me into this mess, is poxy fad diets. Now are you going to prescribe me the pill or not? Because if I'm too bloody fat for it, then fine, but this conversation is over! 

I then grabbed my prescription, went outside, got into my car, and proceeded to have a huge panic attack! I couldn't breathe! Oh, let me point out, that my 4 year old daughter was here to witness this. Something I will forever hold against that horrible, unprofessional nurse! 

I ended up having to pull over, get out of the car, and sit on the pavement. I called Kristel. All she could hear was my frantic breathing, crying and heaving. She asked me a series of questions for which I grunted answers. 'is someone dead?' 'Is Amelie OK?' 'Are you physically ok?' I got myself under control enough to tell her the story. 

>>>>>>Enter, Big Sister with a plot to take down the horrible nurse.

If it wasn't for Kristel calming me down, I'm not sure if I'd got over that incident!!! 

As you can imagine, a few very strongly worded letters of complaint were sent to my surgery, which was my compromise to Kristel and Steve that they didn't go down to the surgery and put the nurse into hospital with several broken bones.

Ive written about how my therapy started, how nervous I was in the 1st few sessions, how I learnt how to trust my lovely councillor Hana. She helped me so much. But giving myself a pat on the back here, she helped me to help myself!!!! She taught me how to help myself. Therapy rocks!!!! 

24th May - The last time I was sick!!!! That's just over 7 months ago!!!! No binge or purge sessions in 7 Months - Can I get a Hey, Can I get a Ho, Hey, Ho, Hey, Ho!!!!! I rock!!!!! 

 

It was around this time, that Kristel decided that she wanted to loose weight. She didn't talk to me about it, as she knew what a huge thing weight loss was in my world. But I started to notice she was scanning items with her phone just before eating them. I was like, 'What you doing?' It turns out, she had downloaded an app on her phone to help her calorie count. My Fitness Pal. She was exercising more and started to loose quite a bit of weight. 

I knew that my weight loss needed to kick start, being that I was overweight, and I thought, what better time to start it, with the support of having my Crazy Lady Appointments. I knew that I had to do this the sensible way, so I spoke to Hana (my crazy lady therapist) and we agreed on a very low drop in my calorie intake, just to see how I got on. The average woman should eat 2000 calories a day, so I dropped to 1860. I was pleased with that. I also started to drink less. I was feeling great. 

Together with Kristel's help, Hana's guidance and Steve's participation, I started to loose about 0.5lbs a week! A small, but steady weight loss. And I didn't, and still don't call it a Diet. It's just my Healthy Living Plan. I've continued this Plan since the summer, and managed to loose about a stone!!! But with the extra exercise, I've lost inches and feel so much better in myself!!!

Now, as I said, this blog was about the ups and downs. So far it just seems like a very down year, which it has felt like, but the ups have been there, even if few and far between. 

Steve and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary of being together. (In style I might add, in Gordon Ramsey's restaurant) My daughter started school. I've made new friends, who are friends for life. Steve, Amelie and I had a brilliant family holiday in The Lake District with Kristel and James. I had the best girly holiday ever in Marbs with some of my favourite people. But, here is the icing on the cake. As crappy as 2012 has been, it's also contributed to making me more determined than ever to healthy and happy. It's shown me who I am. Through therapy, I've learnt so much about myself, the good, the bad and the ugly! I've turned into the person who I want to be. 

 

Now, here is where I get all mushy. My thank yous. I can't name everyone, but the one's who have helped me the most are here. 

 

My Internet friends. This includes my BC girls and My Facebook friends

My gorgeous family. From my Mum, Dad, Step Dad, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles... I could go on! For everything you do!!!!!! Am I mean it!!!

My Fitness Pal - for helping me loose weight!!!! 

All of my friends - From a simple text, a night out, a joke on FB, support, advice and making me happy.

My bestest friends - 

Suzy -Texts to check up on me, cheer me up and help me get through some pretty grim times. Lovely weekends spent together which mean more to me than you know! 

Jessica - Whilst doing my nails, listening to my stories, advising me, letting me cry and snot all over her perfect hair and being there for me always!!!! 

The Edge - Billions of texts per day, random talks about Aubergines (you know what I mean), visits to me and my family to shop, eat and drink and understanding me and my crazy ladyness!!!!

Emma, Well, she's saved me from many a dark evening on my own, listening to my randomness, cheered me up, bought me out of dark places, advised me, kept a close eye on me and complimented my chicken legs quite frequently.A true, true friend who I can't live without! And 2012 has seen Thursday Club born!  What would I do without my bestie????

My Blister - Without Kristel, I fear for what would have happened to me. You helped in a way I can't describe. Billions of phone calls, mostly random to talk about nothing, trillions of texts per day, again, talking about nothing and everything. A stern talking to when I needed it, head to head kisses (no one says goodbye like us), advice, much needed support with my slow weight loss, nights in/out, company when I'm lonely, talking me down from a panic attack or 2 (then calling me a drama queen after, just to keep it real - in the nicest way possible of course) Should I go on??? You're my best friend!!!! 

The Husband - Where the hell do I start? I'll start by saying Thank you. God, this man has had a year to remember, or to forget. Lets not forget he's doing The Knowledge. Can we get a round of applause??  He started his exams (appearances) this year, AND had to deal with his dramatic wife! What a ledge!!!! He's seen me at my worst, sometimes for days on end of utter depression, listening to my 'i'm having a fat/ugly day' (quite a lot), or 'why hasn't so and so text me back, I text her 30 seconds ago, she must hate me' 'When will life give me a chance?'. He's woken me from horrific nightmares which unfortunately comes with the territory of taking crazy lady meds and digging into your past. He's cuddled me when I need it, cancelled plans when i've had 'a moment', he's honestly been there for me at every single pitfall, and there to love me through it all! You really are the best husband in the world!!!

Right, 2012 ends in 30 hours, and i've got to say, i'll be glad to see the back of it!!!!

2013 is the year of Louise - just so you know. It's going to be happy, it's going to be healthy and it's going to kick ED straight in the crotch!!! 

I have so much power over ED right now, and he hates it. He is a small, pathetic little man, cowering in the corner of my mind, and i'm so strong that he can't even begin to penetrate my happiness!!!! 

I hate ED like a cancer, but without him, I don't know if i'd be the person I am today! They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.... I think that I am a perfect example of this saying! 

I end this blog with tears in my eyes, but they are tears of happiness. They are tears of impending prosperity that I know 2013 will bring! 

 

Happy New Year to you all!!!!!! 

 

 

Love me.... Like me.... Actually, take me as I am, except me for who I am.... Love me???

Hello there! Sorry for the long delay again. It seems that life is very busy at the moment, and I haven't had a lot of time to blog much.

Anyway, I've had a lovely summer, and guess what? I'm still ED free! Its been over 4 months, and I have honestly stopped thinking about it every day! I don't think about it after every meal, and only occasionally does he rear his ugly head to remind me that he's still lurking! But I have a secret weapon to slap him away with.... Healthy Living!
Its still going very well, and I've lost about 10lbs now. I think its been about 12 weeks or so, so I'm really pleased! I have the odd day where I have a few too many sneaky treats, but this is a life long thing, so I don't want to deprive myself forever eh?
I feel more confident in my appearance than I have in a very long time, maybe ever. And I'm no-where near the slimmest I've ever been, which goes to show that weight loss and appearance is a huge state of mind!

Anyway, therapy has been getting tougher as the weeks have gone on. My therapist has moved up a notch, and I feel like in the last 5 sessions or so, I've overcome my trust issues with her, and let her in a lot more than previous weeks. This has made exploring my mental health a lot more in depth, which means the questions are harder, the answers a lot harder to dig for, but I am growing so much! I'm understanding myself so much more.
In recent weeks, we've explored my need for perfection. I've spoken about this in previous blogs before, but it seems that my overwhelming aim to appear perfect has held me back from being who I am! This might sound a bit deep, so let me explore this with you!

Throughout my life I have struggled with rejection, struggled with people not liking me, not getting a job, not making people happy, which in turn has led to me wanting everyone to like me and making everybody happy, even sometimes at the cost of my own happiness.
I go out of my way to please people, feel awful if it appears that someone doesn't like me, and try to appear that everything in my life is perfect!

Perfection is an unrealistic goal, but its always been my highest goal. Settling for ok, is not an option.
My house has to be tidy, clean, the pillows fluffed, the stairs hoovered....when people come into my home, it shows that I have a perfect home.
My relationships are perfect! For instance, my 1st boyfriend. Everyone 'thought' that we had this perfect relationship, because I would tell people that we didn't argue, we never showed signs of weakness. So when I finally cracked and split up with him, everyone was shocked, including my boyfriend. Nobody could understand why I'd ended things! It wasn't perfect, it was far from perfect, as is any relationship, but on the outside, we were fabulous! On the inside, I was screaming out for attention from him, wanted more, needed more. Maybe i'm a princess, Steve may agree here? But I wanted my boyfriend to want me, need me and crave just me.... but he didn't. He wanted to be young, be out with lads and have fun, and I slotted into that life. I was out, with his friends, having fun and living his life. Then one day I was like 'hang on, I need more' But to everyone else, because i'd portrayed this perfect relationship, and I was walking away from it, I was the bitch. All of the friends that i'd made over the 3.5years we were together, all dropped me like a sack of shit.. i'd broken Rob's heart.

In the 1st few years of Steve's and mine relationship, I did the same thing. Everything is great, we don't argue, we love everything about each other...... wrong. Do you know what? Steve is the most amazing man in the whole world, but he's not perfect, as i'm not either! He snores... ok, so do I. He gets stroppy.... ok, me too. He leaves his dirty pants on the floor after he's had a shower (for the record, I don't ever have dirty pants, i'm perfect) and he gets on my nerves about the smallest thing. But do you know what... that's NORMAL. I get on his nerves too. We jar each other, but for the most part, we love each other with the biggest passion there is, we accept each others floors and we have some of the greatest farting competitions ever. Steve and I rock - even when we jar each other. We're not perfect, but we work.
I've realised that things don't have to be perfect to work... if only I can work that to the way I think of myself!

Anyway, the title of this blog Love me.... Like me.... Actually, take me as I am, except me for who I am.... Love me??? I go through phases of my life, phases of every day thinking 'why doesn't she like me?' to 'who cares what people think of me' Most of the time, it's the negative, it's the 'I need people to like me' saga. I'm not sure why. I just really like it when people like me. I like it when people appreciate the effort i've made, like what i've said, what i've done, enjoy my story. But I then realise that I can't please everyone. I can't be everyone's favourite choice. These are my strong days, when I think 'I couldn't give a fuck if you think i'm dressed like a twat' These days are few and far between, but i'm getting there..... well, i'm getting to a happy medium anyway which is a good thing.

This blog has taken me a while to write, as I had so much going on, I had a few bouts of illness, Amelie starting back to school, and then a big girly weekend away. So let me give you a heads up.. I'm 142 binge/purge free!!!! I'm so happy!

My girly holiday was a huge test for me in the 'who will like me' stakes. I was going away with 13 other girls. most of whom i've known most of my adult life and a few who i've never met. I had conversations in my head about how I would approach these other girls who I didn't know. How could I show my best parts off to them. But actually, I didn't ending up trying. I met them, they were all lovely girls, and I had the calm take over me. Take me as I am. I had to try really hard not to try to please people on holiday, not just the new girls, but everyone. I'm usually the 'mum' of the group. The one getting up, clearing up, doing the washing up, tidying up, making sure everyone's towel's are hanging up.... I actually went a little the other way, and didn't do anything. I spent the weekend pleasing myself. Not being Mum, not being Wifey, but being a lazy girl on holiday. It felt wonderful. And I didn't have the whole 'who likes me' attitude.... even when i woke up the next day not knowing how I got home and knowing that one of the other girls had to bring me home and put my drunk arse to bed! Actually, sorry about that girls!!!!

My self esteem comes in peeks and falls. One minute I feel like I can conquer the world, and the next, I feel like i'm so low and how can anyone like me. This is all part of my illness/depression.
It's hard for people to understand, especially if they haven't been through it. It's weird. But you know, I was watching Piers Morgan the other day, and he interviewed Denise Welch, and she said something that i'm sure most people would have bulked at. She has suffered with severe depression, addictions etc. She said that at one point she wished she'd had cancer instead of what she'd been going through. The audience gasped (including myself), what a horrible thing to say. She then went on to say.... with Cancer, it's a recognised disease. People can almost relate to it, even if they haven't been through it themselves. Depression/addiction is something that 'outsiders' can say to 'get over it/snap out of it/just have a drink and you'll be fine.
No, Cancer isn't the same as depression or an addiction, but they are both illnesses. You wouldn't choose to have either, but sometimes, you get unlucky. A lot of people get over depression/addiction, as do a lot of people get over cancer. It doesn't stop it coming back to bite you on the arse in a few years time. We can't control it. I think that Denise Welch made a very valid point!

xx

Unnecessary Drama - Gone!!!

 Well Hello there! Yes, the summer holidays are nearly over, which means I can start blogging a little more regularly as I won't have my little girl with me all day.
The summer has gone so quick, and its September already. Yesterday Amelie asked if it was Autumn, to which I replied, no it bloody well isn't. It was 25 degrees yesterday, and gorgeously summery. Amelie asked why the leaves had started falling from the trees then? Oh, er, yes, I suppose it is Autumn. Which reminded me that last week, 25th August was my 4 year anniversary from coming clean about ED! The day I told Steve about the other man in my life! The day that I stopped being sick! I can't believe I let it pass without thinking about it. I guess that date is no longer as important to me, as its not about how long ED has been gone, its about the day to day life I lead without him. Of course, I had a 8 month blip in the last year, but 4 years of fighting against ED is huge! So I take this opportunity to pat myself on the back and show ED the finger!

So, its been 103 days since my last Binge/purge session! That's quarter of a year! How bloody good is that. There are days when I don't even think about ED. There are also days where I have to row with him all day! Monday was one of those days. I had the most amazing weekend. I catered an event as part of my new business Serenity ( https://www.facebook.com/eventserenity ) and it was a huge success. Had a lovely girly night out, then Sunday I went to see my Cousin Suzy and Scott who have just had a gorgeous new baby girl Evie, and had cuddles, which is amazing, congrats you two! Then came home and actually relaxed for the 1st time in ages. I mean really relax. PJs on, sofa, TV and the husband cooking me dinner! I barely moved from the sofa all afternoon/evening! Bliss.
But then I wake up on Monday, with that 'I wish it was Sunday' feeling, and that 'I shouldn't have eaten/drank that much yesterday' feeling.
So what do I do? Get on the stupid bloody scales! Why do I do it to myself? Bang, I'm 4lbs heavier than Thursday! Fuckadoodle doo!!!!! 

ED: 'its your own fault, you ate all that Yorkshire pudding yesterday'
Me: 'I know, but today is a new day, and 4lb isn't a real weight gain in 3 days!'
ED; 'well, you saw the scales, it must be real. What we gonna do?' A nice bit of restriction will do it'
Me; 'ummm, I could skip breakfast for a few days to make up for it I guess.'
ED; 'That's a girl'

HANG ON A BLOODY MINUTE

Me; 'Don't be so fucking stupid ED, piss off.'

Let's start again shall we? 4lb weight gain? Really? No, its Monday morning/overate 1 day bloating. Let's do this sensibly. Breakfast, lunch and dinner all days, stay within calorie allowance and do a little more exercise.
So I got on the bike and done 20 minutes cycling!
That's not to say that ED didn't pop up everytime I ate that day, coz he was there, wagging his finger. But I powered on.

I went to therapy on Monday and told Hana (my therapist) about this brief moment and how I'd felt all day. We discussed my healthy eating option, my weight loss progress, which has slowed right down, and I seem to be maintaining, rather than loosing, which is extremely good, but my aim is loose some weight, in a very controlled, healthy way. We talked about my calorie allowance, and agreed to give a lower amount a test run for a week to see how I get on. If I find myself getting too hungry, wanting to binge because I've got too hungry, then we'd up it again. I'm 3 days in so far and feel great. I've got the support from Steve and Kristel, and I feel good.
I'm off on a girly holiday in just over 4 weeks, and would like a little confidence boost of a few lbs loss.
And get me, I ordered myself a bikini on Monday night! A real bikini.
Other than the odd blip day, recently, I have been feeling a lot more body confident. Actually excepting compliments, looking in the mirror and agreeing with what other people tell me 'you're not fat!' Yes, I'm overweight, but I'm not hideous as I once thought of myself! I have found myself wearing less baggy clothes, feeling sexy and enjoying the odd wolf whistle from a builder! Life is good.

Now, I don't think I'd ever describe myself as 'glass half empty' kind of a girl, but I definitely have always worried about things that may never happen, expect that things will eventually go wrong, wonder why things are going so good etc. I'll probably always have a bit of this in me, but in the last few years, I have started to heed my Dad's advice 'Don't trouble Trouble, until Trouble troubles you'
Sometimes its hard, but then I have to remind myself that causing myself unnecessary stress is just not worth it! There are too many things in life that have to happen that cause us upset, without creating dramas!

I have always been a bit superstitious, but having that crazy touch of OCD alongside it doesn't help! Walking over 3 drains is bad luck, so if I did walk over 3 drains by mistake, I'd immediately think that whatever I may have been thinking about at that time is going to end in disaster! How can I put it right? Find 2 drains to walk over to cancel it out! Walking under a ladder will cause heartache surely? Quick, think of everyone I love right now and they'll be fine. Seeing 1 magpie....oh no, someone is going to die! Must fine a second magpie!!!
I had to take this type of superstition out of my life, because let's face it, its all crap really isn't it? Its an unnecessary stress that I was creating! Doesn't life throw enough drama at us anyway, without creating some ourselves!
Someone dying just because I've seen a poxy bird? Really?

Alongside superstition, I had to also take Hate out of my life. And jealousy, bitterness and a lot of negativity. These emotions are so heavy to carry around and just something that I felt I didn't need in my life!
If someone asked you if there was anyone who you really Hated in your life, there is probably only 1 or 2 right? I mean people who you'd quite happily see be struck my lightning! I had 1 person who I truly hated, someone who had caused me and my family so much heartache, upset and nastiness. I re-evaluated my feelings of this person a few years ago, and realised how much energy I was putting into that emotion 'Hate'. I was wasting a huge amount of energy on something/someone who I could never change! Getting more and more bitter about what? Something from the past! Its called the past for a reason, because its behind us. That was good enough for me. This person is part of my past, will never be part of my present or future and that's a much nicer feeling than hate! Plus the saying 'what goes around, comes around' has certainly played a part in this person's life! Kind of ironic really, because this was one of their favourite sayings!

Jealousy is a very ugly trait. Its horrible to think of some of the things I've been jealous of, of some of my closest friends and family. And I'm not confusing this with Envy, I felt bitter that someone else had something that I couldn't afford, couldn't obtain myself. In my defence, this emotion only really played a part at the junction of my life where I was working out who I was, becoming an adult and also dealing with a huge money flow problem. So a pretty mixed up time for me. But to actually wish someone not pregnant, just because I wanted so desperately to be pregnant myself. To wish it was me setting off on my 4th holiday that year instead of them. The argument in my head 'why should they get so many holidays when I haven't even had 1?' Well, the simple reason, they work bloody hard! Yes I work hard too, but at the moment, money is tight, and filling my fridge with food is a priority here. Our time for holidays will come!
Jealousy leads into bitterness, and eventually eats you up. Makes you a nasty person.

Anyway, the way I look at life is like this. There are going to ups, there are going to be downs. Life is going to be hard sometimes, its also going to be good. So take what life gives. If you're fed up with the shit it keep throwing, do something about it. If there's nothing you can do, ride the storm, enjoy the little things that are good. The uncontrollable laughter of your child when you tickle them, the tastiest Spaghetti Bolognaise you've ever made, the end of a really good book, an unexpected sunny day, a compliment from a work colleague. There is always something that keeps us ticking over, and without getting too religious or heavy, life is a gift, its for living, so bloody well live it. Don't keep thinking about the 'what ifs' Think about the life you've got to live and all of the opportunities out there ready to be taken!

What a difference a year makes!

Long time no write!
I've been on holiday and had a fabulous time! Went to The Lake District with Stevo, Amelie, Kristel and James (bro in law), and we had a brilliant time!

I made the decision before I went that I was going to enjoy myself, and not think too much about food and putting weight on, which is usually a massive problem for me!
The path that usually leads upto a holiday is to diet like mad in the weeks before, take ridiculous amounts of laxatives, starve myself when possible, and throw up when I did eat, just to achieve a weight loss before going away. Then holiday would usually be over eating and being sick when I can!

I have obviously turned a corner, as this holiday was different!
As I wrote in my last blog, I had started on a new healthy eating and healthy thinking way of life. As I mentioned, I had a very gentle loss of a few lbs over a few weeks, which was my aim. But this wasn't about loosing weight for my holiday, this just happened to coincide with that.

I went away with only one thing on my mind. Have a bloody brilliant holiday.
I ate, I drank, I ate some more (including gorgeous handmade chocolate fudge) and didn't think about weight!
I had one moment when I said to Kristel that I felt big, but it was after a particularly heavy night on the wine the night before. But don't most people have those days? I still wonder what's normal thinking and what's ED thinking. Kristel assured me that she felt big too, so it must have been normal.

I expected to have put some weight on. But instead of that thought sending me out of control on a week of starvation, ridiculously trying to make up for the good time I had, therefore making me miserable, I was sensible.
I weighed myself this morning, and yeah I've gained a few lbs, but I had a damn good time doing it, so up yours ED! Stick that in your pipe and smoke it!

I am still binge/purge free! Funnily enough I have just had to work out how many days it is. Its 60 days. That's 2 months! Sitting back and thinking about it, 2 months has gone so quickly, and my mental state of mind has noticeably changed for the better.
I know that I've spoken about therapy, but I can't reiterate to you how helpful it is for someone with problems. Just to be able to talk to someone who doesn't judge you, cry about things that upset me, that to someone else, they might find ridiculous. Its my own little world. For 50 minutes a week, its my thing.

When I first started, it was really tough, and I came out feeling broken, but as I'm working through problems, I actually look forward to it! Having not had a session for 2 weeks due to mine and my therapist's holiday running into each others, I've missed it! I'm on my way there now actually. Who knows what will come up this week, but its all going in the right direction!

My humble opinion on therapy.... It rocks! And I would recommend it to anyone who has something going on in their life! Depression, eating disorder, addictive personality!

Right, down to the nitty gritty. Last year, my sister Kristel, and James got married. Kristel asked me to be her Maid of Honour! I was honoured, if you pardon my cheesiness! A few things were going on in my life at the moment, and ED was ready to attack. Bridesmaid dress shopping, and I was to be bridesmaid alongside a friend of ours, Joey. She was pregnant, and due to be 8 months on the wedding day. My worst nightmare....what if I'm mistaken for the pregnant bridesmaid? Did I look pregnant, no I didn't, but that's not what ED told me everytime I looked at my beautiful dress!
This is when it kicked off. I started being sick, I started hating the way I looked. Even on the day, the happiest day of my sister's life, my best friend, and I was a wreck inside!
Don't worry, ED was there with his acting lessons again, and a smile was plastered across my face. I was happy.... For my sister and James. I was happy to be such a big part of the day, I was happy with the diamond pendant my sister gave me (who wouldn't be?). So before anyone, including Kristel, thinks that I was secretly hoping that I wasn't there or anything, it wasn't like that.

The wedding was amazing, it was gorgeous and I was in my element as event organiser (Serenity - my other business that I'm building).... Sorry for the shameless plug!

Then that fateful day, the day every bride longs for after the wedding is over....the photos are ready! Kristel was so excited. And I was excited for her.
In my selfish part of my mind, where ED resides, I was in bits.
I was nervous, what if I look like a cow, God I hope Shaneen (the photographer) has edited me to make me 3 stone lighter, but why would she? It wasn't even my wedding! Plus I don't think photographers would edit photos in that way anyway!

The photos were some of the most amazing photos I've ever seen, and everyone looked gorgeous. Kristel looked like an Angel, James very handsome and the pictures of the flower girls were stunning! On every photo that I came across of me, I skipped through it very quickly. God, I hate that I felt like that!

The reason I have spoken about this, is to show you how irrational you become when you've got an Eating Disorder.
Let me tell you, I look at Kristel and James' wedding photos now, and I love them! I don't look pregnant, I'm not a big fat ugly thing, I'm me! See what a difference a year makes?
When ED is in full throttle, I see a very distorted image of myself, so when I say 'I look fat and ugly', I'm not doing it for attention, that's how I feel.

Ok, apologies as I've been writing this blog instalment for the last 3 weeks. I've been so busy as its half term and I have my little Amelie at work with me most days, plus I'm decorating as well as a million other things. So today is 13th August, nearly 3 months since my last purge session! Go me!

Anyway, the last few weeks has seen a whole new way of thinking about food, and I've got to say, I'm loving it. Sometimes I have to remind myself to be patient as with this new plan, I'm only aiming to loose a very small amount of weight every week/month, as opposed to my normal dieting frenzy of loosing 3-4lbs a week.
I'm about 5lb down from when I started I think. Had a few weeks where I stayed the same, which was expected due to loads of weekends of seeing friends etc. But I was fine with that! See how I'm changing?
It was last week that sent me a little off the beaten track. I managed to gain 2lbs, even though I'd been super good, stuck to my plan (all but one roast dinner), and done lots of exercise. I weighed in and felt gutted! Gaining weight when you've been so good is rubbish! Yet I felt so good, I was wearing my slightly smaller clothes and I'd lost an inch from my chest, waist and hips!
So after a day of stropping around, biting Steve's head off when he told me 'its not the end of the world Lou', I perked up and realised that I will have weeks like this, let's face it, I'm not on a diet, I'm just changing certain things.
So to boost myself this week, I convinced Kristel to come out running with me on Saturday. We done 20 minutes non stop, which for my 1st run in about 2 years, I was quite proud. And then we did it again on Sunday! We had my cousin Suzy's baby shower which we knew we'd be eating lots of cakes and yummy food, so we thought we'd earn our cakes by running around.
Let me tell you, those cakes and scones were amazing and totally worth it, but I'm aching like a decrepit old woman today! Honestly, you'd think I'd run a marathon for how much I've moaned today about my aching groin, stomach muscles, arms...God even my fingers hurt! But Kristel and I have decided to keep the running up at the weekend to earn ourselves the little extra treats we want throughout the week!

I feel like I'm thinking like a new person! Is this how normal people think? I want a take away on Friday, so I'll do 20 minutes on the bike!

Anyway, this blog is quite randomly written, as I've written it over several weeks! But on the whole, I'm doing good! I feel wonderful and my aim to loose a little weight is well under way!

I'm on way to my 1st therapy session for 3 weeks, and I'm really looking forward to it! Now that both of our holidays are over, we can go back to weekly sessions again!

So on that note, I bid you farewell and I promise that once my life calms down (like not decorating every room in my house, seeing every friend I have, having Amelie at work with me, organising events etc), I'll get back to more frequent blogging!

Thanks again for your support!

Love from Louise x

Getting healthy in mind and body!

Hello there, sorry its been a while since my last blog, I've been really busy with work and getting ready for my holiday!
I'm glad to report that I am still Binge and Purge free and I'm feeling really good. That's 47 days! Not without temptation of course!

As I've been writing this blog, I've been getting stronger and stronger and feeling so much healthier in mind. I am however still overweight, and together with my sister Kristel and Steve, who are monitoring me quite closely, and with the support from my lovely therapist, I've decided to start getting healthier in body too.
Now, before anyone thinks I'm on a strict diet, I'm not. Diet is not a word that I will use again, and restricting food groups is out of the question. I am simply taking care of myself and hoping to change the way that I look at food. Rather than thinking that carbs are bad for you for instance, I need to train myself that carbs are a source of energy, and I need energy to live. Rather than thinking that having a Chinese on a Friday night is going to have undone all of the hard work I have done all week, think of it as a treat and not to get up on Saturday morning and say 'oh well, I've fucked it up now, I may as well have a fry up, Mcdonalds etc', and just start again on Monday!

How many times have you had a bad day on the diet, and you say 'I'll get back on it on Monday'? I must have said that every single week for most of my life! And I know that I'm not alone!
But I think for me, I have it in my head that if I'm going to fall off the diet wagon, I may as well enjoy it, and before I know it, I'm pigging out!

I said that I'd done every diet in the book right? Well actually, I haven't. The one that I haven't done and the one that is the most effective is what I'm doing now, although we don't call it a diet. Its just healthy eating, and I have a realistic, albeit very small, goal in mind.
Who starts a diet and wants to loose at least 2-3lbs a week? Me!!!!!!
Do you know how much 3lbs is? Its a lot, and unless you're really overweight, which I don't consider myself to be, that's an unhealthy weight loss. Its taken me a long time to get my head round this, and some days I'm not totally convinced, but my aim is loose around 1/2 lb a week. This has been agreed with my therapist and she's happy with such a sensible goal.
I feel relieved actually, and I'm eating really well, still allowing myself what I want, but being sensible.
I have also cut the booze right down too, and I feel so much healthier. Cutting the booze down is not just for the healthy side of things, as I said earlier on in my blog, I was drinking too much!

I've been eating like this for a few weeks now, still enjoying a bacon sarnie on Sunday morning, home made pizza, jacket potatoes etc, and I'm about 3lbs down I think.
If I'm completely honest, I think, 'if I was doing Slimming World, I'd be at least half a stone down by now'. But I can't think like that.

I have to think about this long term and know that this is a change for life.
I'm not the sort of person who goes into a restaurant and orders a salad, or the baked salmon. When I go into a restaurant, I want the biggest, nicest thing on the menu, and this new way of eating, allows me to do that. Ok, maybe not the biggest thing on the menu, but you get my drift.

Let's say its 3 weeks that I've been eating like this, and I don't feel deprived of anything. I've had days out eating and drinking what I want, nights in with a cheeky glass of wine or 2, and I've still managed to loose a few lbs.
Why haven't I ever done this before?????

And I feel super healthy by the way!

My mind is getting healthier with this new way of thinking, but I think that there will always be part of it that's broken, and not sure how I can ever fix that part. Even with therapy!
The part of my brain that is somewhat warped, is the way I will bring up Amelie, and any other children I may have.
I am so scared that Amelie will grow up to have this same condition as me, that I actively don't say certain words in front her. I don't use the scales when she's in the room, I don't allow her to say certain things; ie, 'look at my big fat tummy' after eating a big meal.

Anorexia, Bulimia or any other eating disorder isn't hereditary, but it can be learnt behaviour. I talk from experience. I grew up with a bulimic step mum. I used to be able to hear her throwing up every meal, then when I questioned her about it, was told I was imagining things.
I'm sure that if you've read my blog so far, you'll know that listening to someone be sick, didn't lead me to become bulimic myself. Its a psychological illness caused by many factors. This contribution wasn't very helpful I admit!

But the way that the media portrays beauty these days, is a sight more scary than when I was a kid. Models of a size 4, celebs on the latest cabbage diet, thinspiration, pro anorexic websites, headlines with 'Obesity on the rise'. This leads into how I feel about Amelie growing up with these unrealistic images surrounding her, partnered with the fact that her Mum is a bulimic!

As I've said before, I always felt fat, even though I wasn't. I was a healthy child and I liked my food, including fruit and veg. My fear of Amelie growing up to think that she's fat, scare the crap out of me.

Now, Amelie is actually very petite, but the amount she eats is enough to feed a grown man! And a simple comment from Steve to Amelie, like 'I can't believe you ate all of that dinner, where did you put it all?' Sometimes sends me into an irrational spin!

I don't allow the use of the word Fat in front of her. Its like a swear word in our house. I don't ever talk myself down in front of her, because I want her to have a good self image, not the weird way I look at myself.
If Amelie ever catches Steve and I weighing ourselves (which isn't often), she always asks if she can get on the scales. This makes me wince! Even though I know its just a child wanting to copy her parents. She doesn't yet know what weight is!

I was speaking to my friend Jessica the other day about this, and asking if its normal to try to protect Amelie from such 'language', and she assured me that most parents talk to their children about weight. Most children will ask to be weighed, and its not such a bad thing. I guess the irrational side of me thinks that she'll end up like me!

So what is 'normal'?
I don't agree with children being overweight, and by overweight, I mean obese, greedy, eating fried food everyday. So when I see these items come on Daybreak for instance, and a poor 8 year old child, who weighs 12 stone is put on a strict diet, I cringe!
How do people let their children get that overweight, then put them through the turmoil of going on a diet? And displaying it on national television! In my opinion, that's asking for trouble.

I know that children have different size appetites, different metabolisms etc, but just being sensible with them is the start right? There are ways of helping your child loose weight, other than putting them on a strict diet!

I was about 12 and my step Mum told me that I had started to put weight on, and I needed to be careful now that I was becoming a woman. I had to start watching what I ate.
Honestly, I was mortified! And do you know what I did, I went on the equivalent of The Duken Diet, although a lot less healthy than The Duken Diet!
My diet consisted of
Breakfast - Scrambled eggs (no milk, cheese or salt, just added water)
Lunchtime - grilled chicken and a boiled egg.
Dinner - Steak and poached eggs.
No vegetables, no snacks, no nothing, except protein!

I was 12 for God's sake!!!! How the hell did that stupid woman let me do that diet!? I lasted 4 days before feeling like I would simply faint! I lost 9lbs! In 4 days!

Do you know how long it took me to put 9lbs back on? 2 days!!!!!!!
What a waste! And how unhealthy?????

I'd just like to point out here, that my Dad was away travelling, and my big sister had probably been given the same talk and was doing the same diet!

Obviously this is the extreme of unhealthy teaching in diet to your child, and not something that I hope any child has to go through, but I ask again, what is normal? Because I don't know! Hopefully by the end of my treatment, and over the years of normal behaviour around food, will teach me to relax with how I am with Amelie, and feel more comfortable with these things.
I will also be honest with her, when the time comes, and I feel she's old enough to understand. I'll tell her about my condition and hopefully have the tools to educate her enough to not follow in my footsteps!

Anyway, I'm off on holiday with Steve, Amelie, sister Kristel and brother in law James tomorrow, and guess who isn't invited? ED.
Actually, ED seems to gone on holiday himself lately. I think he got fed up with waiting for me to break! I'm not stupid enough to think he's gone too far, as he must have concord or something, as I know the second I falter, he'll be there with his arms open wide!
This is something I need to keep in check, keep my eye on, and not get too complacent with being 'ED free', because one simple thing can throw me over the edge. It might be tomorrow, it might be in 3 weeks time, or it could be in 6 years time. Hopefully never, but this isn't something I take for granted, not anymore. And with this new healthy body, healthy mind attitude, I grow stronger!