Well Hello there! Yes, the summer holidays are nearly over, which means I
can start blogging a little more regularly as I won't have my little
girl with me all day.
The summer has gone so quick, and its September already. Yesterday
Amelie asked if it was Autumn, to which I replied, no it bloody well
isn't. It was 25 degrees yesterday, and gorgeously summery. Amelie asked
why the leaves had started falling from the trees then? Oh, er, yes, I
suppose it is Autumn. Which reminded me that last week, 25th August was
my 4 year anniversary from coming clean about ED! The day I told Steve
about the other man in my life! The day that I stopped being sick! I
can't believe I let it pass without thinking about it. I guess that date
is no longer as important to me, as its not about how long ED has been
gone, its about the day to day life I lead without him. Of course, I had
a 8 month blip in the last year, but 4 years of fighting against ED is
huge! So I take this opportunity to pat myself on the back and show ED
the finger!
So, its been 103 days since my last Binge/purge session! That's quarter
of a year! How bloody good is that. There are days when I don't even
think about ED. There are also days where I have to row with him all
day! Monday was one of those days. I had the most amazing weekend. I
catered an event as part of my new business Serenity ( https://www.facebook.com/eventserenity ) and it was a huge success. Had a lovely girly night out, then Sunday I
went to see my Cousin Suzy and Scott who have just had a gorgeous new
baby girl Evie, and had cuddles, which is amazing, congrats you two!
Then came home and actually relaxed for the 1st time in ages. I mean
really relax. PJs on, sofa, TV and the husband cooking me dinner! I
barely moved from the sofa all afternoon/evening! Bliss.
But then I wake up on Monday, with that 'I wish it was Sunday' feeling,
and that 'I shouldn't have eaten/drank that much yesterday' feeling.
So what do I do? Get on the stupid bloody scales! Why do I do it to
myself? Bang, I'm 4lbs heavier than Thursday! Fuckadoodle doo!!!!!
ED: 'its your own fault, you ate all that Yorkshire pudding yesterday'
Me: 'I know, but today is a new day, and 4lb isn't a real weight gain in 3 days!'
ED; 'well, you saw the scales, it must be real. What we gonna do?' A nice bit of restriction will do it'
Me; 'ummm, I could skip breakfast for a few days to make up for it I guess.'
ED; 'That's a girl'
HANG ON A BLOODY MINUTE
Me; 'Don't be so fucking stupid ED, piss off.'
Let's start again shall we? 4lb weight gain? Really? No, its Monday
morning/overate 1 day bloating. Let's do this sensibly. Breakfast, lunch
and dinner all days, stay within calorie allowance and do a little more
exercise.
So I got on the bike and done 20 minutes cycling!
That's not to say that ED didn't pop up everytime I ate that day, coz he was there, wagging his finger. But I powered on.
I went to therapy on Monday and told Hana (my therapist) about this
brief moment and how I'd felt all day. We discussed my healthy eating
option, my weight loss progress, which has slowed right down, and I seem
to be maintaining, rather than loosing, which is extremely good, but my
aim is loose some weight, in a very controlled, healthy way. We talked
about my calorie allowance, and agreed to give a lower amount a test run
for a week to see how I get on. If I find myself getting too hungry,
wanting to binge because I've got too hungry, then we'd up it again. I'm
3 days in so far and feel great. I've got the support from Steve and
Kristel, and I feel good.
I'm off on a girly holiday in just over 4 weeks, and would like a little confidence boost of a few lbs loss.
And get me, I ordered myself a bikini on Monday night! A real bikini.
Other than the odd blip day, recently, I have been feeling a lot more
body confident. Actually excepting compliments, looking in the mirror
and agreeing with what other people tell me 'you're not fat!' Yes, I'm
overweight, but I'm not hideous as I once thought of myself! I have
found myself wearing less baggy clothes, feeling sexy and enjoying the
odd wolf whistle from a builder! Life is good.
Now, I don't think I'd ever describe myself as 'glass half empty' kind
of a girl, but I definitely have always worried about things that may
never happen, expect that things will eventually go wrong, wonder why
things are going so good etc. I'll probably always have a bit of this in
me, but in the last few years, I have started to heed my Dad's advice
'Don't trouble Trouble, until Trouble troubles you'
Sometimes its hard, but then I have to remind myself that causing myself
unnecessary stress is just not worth it! There are too many things in
life that have to happen that cause us upset, without creating dramas!
I have always been a bit superstitious, but having that crazy touch of
OCD alongside it doesn't help! Walking over 3 drains is bad luck, so if I
did walk over 3 drains by mistake, I'd immediately think that whatever I
may have been thinking about at that time is going to end in disaster!
How can I put it right? Find 2 drains to walk over to cancel it out!
Walking under a ladder will cause heartache surely? Quick, think of
everyone I love right now and they'll be fine. Seeing 1 magpie....oh no,
someone is going to die! Must fine a second magpie!!!
I had to take this type of superstition out of my life, because let's
face it, its all crap really isn't it? Its an unnecessary stress that I
was creating! Doesn't life throw enough drama at us anyway, without
creating some ourselves!
Someone dying just because I've seen a poxy bird? Really?
Alongside superstition, I had to also take Hate out of my life. And
jealousy, bitterness and a lot of negativity. These emotions are so
heavy to carry around and just something that I felt I didn't need in my
life!
If someone asked you if there was anyone who you really Hated in your
life, there is probably only 1 or 2 right? I mean people who you'd quite
happily see be struck my lightning! I had 1 person who I truly hated,
someone who had caused me and my family so much heartache, upset and
nastiness. I re-evaluated my feelings of this person a few years ago,
and realised how much energy I was putting into that emotion 'Hate'. I
was wasting a huge amount of energy on something/someone who I could
never change! Getting more and more bitter about what? Something from
the past! Its called the past for a reason, because its behind us. That
was good enough for me. This person is part of my past, will never be
part of my present or future and that's a much nicer feeling than hate!
Plus the saying 'what goes around, comes around' has certainly played a
part in this person's life! Kind of ironic really, because this was one
of their favourite sayings!
Jealousy is a very ugly trait. Its horrible to think of some of the
things I've been jealous of, of some of my closest friends and family.
And I'm not confusing this with Envy, I felt bitter that someone else
had something that I couldn't afford, couldn't obtain myself. In my
defence, this emotion only really played a part at the junction of my
life where I was working out who I was, becoming an adult and also
dealing with a huge money flow problem. So a pretty mixed up time for
me. But to actually wish someone not pregnant, just because I wanted so
desperately to be pregnant myself. To wish it was me setting off on my
4th holiday that year instead of them. The argument in my head 'why
should they get so many holidays when I haven't even had 1?' Well, the
simple reason, they work bloody hard! Yes I work hard too, but at the
moment, money is tight, and filling my fridge with food is a priority
here. Our time for holidays will come!
Jealousy leads into bitterness, and eventually eats you up. Makes you a nasty person.
Anyway, the way I look at life is like this. There are going to ups,
there are going to be downs. Life is going to be hard sometimes, its
also going to be good. So take what life gives. If you're fed up with
the shit it keep throwing, do something about it. If there's nothing you
can do, ride the storm, enjoy the little things that are good. The
uncontrollable laughter of your child when you tickle them, the tastiest
Spaghetti
Bolognaise you've ever made, the end of a really good book,
an unexpected sunny day, a compliment from a work colleague. There is
always something that keeps us ticking over, and without getting too
religious or heavy, life is a gift, its for living, so bloody well live
it. Don't keep thinking about the 'what ifs' Think about the life you've got
to live and all of the opportunities out there ready to be taken!
