I haven't been blogging, as I haven't
really had much to report on the ED side of things, and there's only so
many stories you can tell about hiding bags of sick or eating an entire
bakery!
My reasoning for popping up today is just to say hi really! To let
you all know that I'm still ok. I don't have a number of days to report
(like I used to), but it's been roughly 19 months since I last acted on
my Eating Disorder, otherwise known as ED! That's a flipping massive
achievement and just last week, my Dad and I had an emotional moment
thinking back to the terrible state my crazy mind was at 19 months ago!
You know, it's weird, I'm in a fantastic place in my life at the moment,
couldn't be happier, but I still can't bring myself to read back over my
own blog! I tried, but I found myself feeling so sad and upset about
how far down the path of self destruction I was in, how much I was
hurting myself (mentally) and how depressed I was!
This time of year is hard for me and ED. We spent many years looking forward to this time of year together - too much food, lots of opportunities to sneak off for private rendezvous in the toilets, over eating and not really having to hide it, as everyone is overeating, and yet, so much guilt at my secret life!
It's also a time of year that coincidentally both sets of my crazy
lady sessions stopped! Bloody shit timing eh, but it just so happened
that way, twice!
Saying goodbye to my crazy lady therapist
this time last year (who, when I told her that I referred to her this
way, was hysterical with laughter) was like saying goodbye to a friend
who I knew I was never going to see again! I think I harped on about
this last year, so I'll save you the dramatics!
And the most obvious thing! Christmas is about food
and booze . yes I know it's really about the birth of our saviour and
celebrating his life, but after I've finished praying and thinking about
Jesus and doing Jesus(y) things, I'm left with a whole lot of amazing
food to eat, a whole lot of parties to go to, and a whole lot of guilt
of how much I'm enjoying all of these things! Not so much these days,
but I do still struggle to not go over the top!
I don't think it'll matter how any months or years that ED hasn't
controlled my thoughts, I think I'll probably always struggle with him
at Christmas!
So yes I'm happy, I'm content,
but there is also a tiny undercurrent that follows me around. Maybe it's
always there, but just seems more prominent at Christmas!
But the key is acknowledge it! And I do!
As much as I
hate ED, I still have to accept that he's part of my life, and just
check in on him every now and then! Make sure he's not sharpening his
knives too much, or plotting his revenge of my dumping of him! And he hates it when I pull him up on trying to turn me again! He's my bitch now! And I intend to keep it that way!
Anyway, like I said, it was just a little blog to pop up again!
I
know that some people who read my blog, do so because they relate to me.
Not necessarily to the eating disorder, but the loneliness, depression,
addiction! And to all of these people, I ask how you are? Are you on
your way out of your dark place? If not, I want to help you! Please reach out to me. I only dug myself out of this shit hole by reaching out to someone else, and she was a practical stranger who I met online - right dodgy character too - ha ha, only kidding, she's ace!
And for those of you who have come out of the other side, I take my
hat off to you!
I cry every single New Years Eve, always have done. Usually because of thinking of my lovely Nanny Lil and her New Year's eve tradition of out with the old and in with the new back/front door opening, which I now do! But sometimes because i'm happy and for some reason 'Old Lang Syne' makes me feel emotional! Weirdo!
Last NYE I cried because I'd just about survived a really shitty year, and was determined to not have another one the same! I haven't! It wasn't luck, it wasn't 'in the stars', it wasn't because of circumstance, it was because I, or actually, we, Steve and I made it! We got help from our guardian angels (Dad and Kristel and all of our friends and family), but we rocked 2013!!!!!
If this year has been a shit one for you, make 2014 your year! It won't happen unless you make it!!!
Anyway, I want to wish you a merry Christmas and a very happy, healthy new year!!!
May all of your dreams come true, and all of your wishes become realities!!! God I'm getting sentimental in my old age!!!!Oh, and by the way, ED - Ya Mum!!!!
