Day 3,456323,089000000, ok, not that many, but some days it feels like it!
I've never blogged before, so excuse me if don't do it right, but I will
treat this space as a diary, an outlet and hopefully a place for people
to learn and maybe even help a few people!
A little background on me to start with. I am 29 years old, and have
suffered with bulimia since I was 16. Well, suffered the act of bulimia
anyway. I have learned through my therapy that my eating disorder
thoughts started from the tender age of about 6! Yes, 6 years old!
The 1st memory I have of feeling different to everyone else, was at
Christmas. The last day of school. You know when everyone brings in
board games (it was board games when I was 6 anyway). It was meant to be
a day of fun. And so it was, until the dreaded group games in the hall
commenced. My whole class had to sit round in a circle, there was 2 sets
of gloves, 2 hats and 2 scarves in the centre of the circle, along with
2 bars of chocolate and a plastic knife and fork each. Everyone in the
circle had to pass these balls round in time to the music, and when it
stopped, the 2 people left holding the balls had to rush into the
centre, put on the winter warmers and cut the chocolate up and eat as
much as chocolate, square by square as they could, using the knife and
fork.I desperately didn't want to do it. I escaped it for a while, but
then it was me and someone elses turn. I was bright red as I dragged my
unwilling feet into the circle. Now if you don't know, let me point out
that I was not a shy child, I wasn't someone who shyed away from the
limelight, in fact I loved being centre of attention....but this; I
wanted the world to open up and swallow me!
I sit down, and some random music is playing, my opponent is happily
dressing in the colourful woolies and can't wait to get stuck in. Me, I
go as slowly as possible. Once dressed, I pick up the knife and fork,
and look around the circle to everyone cheering me on 'come on Louise,
eat some chocolate!' I start cutting the bar, which feels like its been
frozen just for the purpose to make me look a fool. I don't manage to
get any chocolate before the music stops and my turn is over. Thank God
for that! I didn't have to actually stuff chocolate down my face in
front of all of them people. Let me remind you, I was about 6! No-one
else in that circle had any qualms about eating as much chocolate as
they could, probably grateful for the opportunity to have such fun at
school, and why should they? I didn't take part in that game ever again after that. I either
didn't go to school on the last day of term, or feigned illness at that
moment!
Ok, back to now. Its 31st May 2012 and today is a mixed bag of EDness.
ED is my eating disorder. I refer to the condition as a person, as it
often feels like I have another person inside of me talking to me, but
we'll get back to that later. I had my 2nd therapy session with Hannah
yesterday. It was a very positive meeting and we covered a lot of
ground. We made a family tree of my direct family and got to exploring
my childhood. Growing up with my Dad, my Dad re marrying a complete
psycho, and talking about my feelings of abandonment from various
members of my family. I may go more into detail about that later too. I
came out of the session feeling really positive and happy. Ok, so its
only session 2, but I can feel the familiar comfort that comes from
therapy and being able to talk just about me, no prejudice, my feelings
towards something or someone and work out how I feel about it before
having to actually broach the subject with the actual person, or even if
need to. By the way, yesterday's session is a far cry from how I felt
after last week's. I was broken, upset, confused and down right angry at
myself that I'd let my 1st series of therapy (in the Priory, 4 years
ago) go to pot! Of course I know I haven't let it go to pot, I'm just
having a relapse.. Like an alcoholic falling off the wagon for a bit. At
least this time, I know which tools are going to get me better, just
need to find the courage to use the tools!
So having said that I feel really positive and good today, I have lunch
and ED is there. Why? I have no idea. Its like if I get too comfortable,
he comes and bites me on the arse and reminds me I'm not a normal
person. I mean this in the least derogatory way, and that's a rarity as
I'm not usually so kind to myself. I'm not normal, and probably never
will be. I have an eating disorder and will never look at everything that surrounds an eating disorder, in a normal way. I don't look at weight as something to work towards, I see it
as my enemy. I don't look at a plate of food and think 'I'm never gonna
be able to eat that', I think 'I wonder how many glasses of water I'll
need in order to bring that up without too much effort'. Not all of the
time, but when ED takes hold,
food/weight/calorie/points/syns/exercise/sick/laxative all merge into one.
Back to lunch. A demi baguette (about 8 inches long), wafer thin ham and
a bag of crisps. Is that a lot? I ask myself... 'Don't be stupid!' I
ask ED 'of course it is, you're trying to loose weight you fat bitch' I
decide that because I'm having a good and positive day, that I'm going
to trust myself. I eat my lunch whilst watching This Morning. I finish
and instantly feel too full. The options. Drink a pint of water and
throw up the lot, but then get hungry again later and probably end up
having to grab something highly calorific from the garage whilst I'm out
at work. Option 2: get drunk to block out how I feel (this
unfortunately has become more and more common lately, but we'll explore
that later too). Option 3: except that I've just eaten about 650 cals,
which considering I'm a dog walker isn't too bad, as I'll probably burn
half of that off on my afternoon walks, and that I'm not going to be
eating till about 8pm tonight, so it'll keep me going without snacking.
Which option did I choose. Well ED can go fuck himself today, and the
pisshead inside of me, she can do one as well. So, I guess that's
another one to me! Yay! Ok, so I admit, the getting drunk option wasn't really
an option today as I had to go to work, but I wanted to let you know all
of the crazy stuff that runs through my mind when ED visits! You aint seen nothing yet!
New addiction?
Right, it was hard for me to admit this last week to myself, then to
discuss it with Steve and then to do something about it, so bare with me
whilst I go around the houses to talk about the pisshead in me!
Admitting that I had an eating disorder 4 years ago, was the hardest
thing I've ever done. It truly pulled me through the mill and there were
times that I honestly just thought it would be better if I wasn't here!
Not kill myself or anything, but that I never existed in the 1st place!
But then Amelie wouldn't have been born, so how could I even think them
things. Have you ever seen Its a Wonderful life? When George wishes he
was never born, so Angel Clarence shows him what would have happened
if he wasn't ever born... I did that to myself. Imagine life without
me. As much as I don't like myself very much, I'm not overly kind to
myself, and do put myself down quite a bit, I also know that people rely
on me, I have very good friends and family who need me, a husband who adores me
and a daughter that is amazing! So I should be here. I've earned my
space here!
Back to the point, see I told you I'd go round the houses. Anyway, last
week I admitted that I'm drinking too much. Everyday. Not 1 or 2, but
often a bottle of wine, leading into 2. I am an intelligent person and
know that this isn't helping my weight or my health, but felt powerless
to stop myself. Always had an excuse ready. 'I've had a crappy day' 'I'm
feeling low' 'its Wednesday, so practically the weekend' . Anyway,
making the decision that I HAVE to loose weight, the sensible way, ie,
not throwing up, using laxatives or starving myself, the obvious thing
to cut back on was wine. Hhhhmmmm, surely there's an easier way I tell
myself. I'll stop eating lunch, that way I can save calories for wine.
No that won't work. I'll only throw dinner up and then the calories I've
thrown up, I can drink in wine. Nope!? Ok, cut the wine out! Riiiiigght!
Easier said than done.
Since Christmas I keep telling myself that no
wine will be consumed between Monday - Thursday. The cycle begins. Tuesday night I get in,
having had a shitty day and damn it, crack the wine open! Well I've
ruined it for the week now, so may as well drink for the rest of the
week! Its May 31st and I haven't gone more than 2 days in a row without
wine for weeks. Since I had a bug actually and then I laid off the booze for about 5 days! This week, i've been 3 days off
the wine. And coincidentally that applies to bingeing and purging too.
So I've been acting like a "Normal" person this week, and it feels good.
I don't think I'm an alcoholic or anything, I just have got into bad
habits. Plus, if you have an addiction, and try to give it up, the
chances are, you take up another addiction to stop you thinking so hard
about what you're depriving yourself of! Last time round, I went OCD
clean crazy! Much better addiction, so am hoping to get back to that!
What is Bulimia?
My reason for writing this blog, is to get this illness on the map if
you like. People know about Anorexia, and probably assume that bulimia
is similar. Well for me, its not. I have the odd day or week of
restricting, which for me is leaving half of everything I put on my
plate, skipping a meal or 2 a day, but I don't seem to have the will
power to keep it up. This is a good thing, otherwise I could have gone
down a very different road, and who knows, I could have got really ill.
Sometimes though, I wish I did have anorexia instead of bulmia. At least
that way, I'd be slim. See this is ED talking. The real me says that I
don't want any eating disorder at all! And I really don't!
So bulimia. For me, its a vicious cycle of bingeing, purging and feeling
enourmous guilt over food. As everyone has to do, I have breakfast.
Something healthy like poached eggs on toast. I get half way through and
think 'this is never going to fill me up', and before I know it I've
got 4 more pieces of toast on my plate, then another 4. I'm in a binge
and I didn't even know it. I only become aware of what I'm doing when
I'm downing pint after pint of water and my stomach is fit to burst. I
go to the toilet, and throw the lot up. It doesn't take a lot, and there
is no sound. Not something I'm proud of, but its totally silent. What
can I say, I've had a lot of practice. (I'm not gloating here, I'm being
honest).
Afterwards, I force myself to look in the mirror. Snot running out of my
nose, mascara running down my cheeks. Bright red face which will stay
puffy for several hours, if not until tomorrow. I often think that
forcing myself to see this image in the mirror will stop me wanting to
do it ever again. Yeah right.
So now I'm empty and I have a secret euphoria overcome me. Why? ED is
telling me that I've just eaten exactly what I want and don't have to
pay the price by piling on the weight! Me, I'm inside believing him and
feeling too weak to stand up and say it was pointless. So, now I'm empty
again... And Hungry again. Queue my 2nd breakfast. 2 slices of toast
that I don't throw up.
ED is inside my head. I don't want him there, but I also get comfort from him. He gives me a power I could never possess without him. When things are crap in my life, he gives me the control over something else - what goes in, and what comes out! I know that it sounds really hard to understand, but in time, writing this, I hope to get you to see it from my point of view, understand a little more.
4 years ago, when I came clean about my condition, I was so very ashamed of myself. I had been for 10 long years. 10 years of suffering in silence. Although I didn't think I was suffering. I thought that i'd brought it on myself. I was lying to everyone, I felt ashamed of myself. Little did I know that I had an illness. I couldn't even bring myself to tell Steve. I had to write it down and give him a letter to read. Like I say, I felt ashamed. I know now that was ridiculous. Steve didn't know anything about it, and suffered his own guilt of letting me suffer alone - but as I said above, I was really good at hiding it! It was no-one's fault. I got the courage to tell my family and friends, and finally got the help I needed from the professionals! Right at the right time too. I was a new Mum to Amelie, and had to get better, if not just for me, then for her!
I won't go too much into the 1st time round, as my whole point is to talk about this time round. But I often compare the 2 times I have begun my recovery. There is no comparison. It's so completely different this time, and at first, it threw me. 4 years ago, I went cold turkey from bingeing and purging. This time, I can't seem to control it as well. Through my therapy, i've learned that its very unrealistic to just stop, and that the only way I will stop, is to understand why i'm doing it in the first place.
I have many triggers that set me off. I go through stages of not being able to read glossy magazines, as reading about the latest celeb diet might get me going. Eat nothing but cabbage for 3 days and loose a stone, drink 20 pints of water a day and wee out the excess calories, no carbs, no protein, Atkins, Weight Watchers, Slimming World, Slimfast, Tony Furguson, high protein, low calorie, excess exercise - You name it, i've done it! And guess what? None of them work? The only diet that works is a healthy diet. I know that, yet, doing it is so hard. But then I guess "normal' people feel like that too right? But in my mind, I can start all of these diets (the less faddy ones anyway), and loose a good amount of weight, then the shines rubs off, and like everyone else, I start cheating at the weekend, eating too many syns etc. This is where ED comes out to play. Most people would take a smack on the wrists at the weigh in, admit to their leader that they over indulged at the weekend and would make up for it this week. I spend 3-4 days beforehand starving myself, taking as many laxatives as my poor body can manage - I got upto taking 20 a day once - God knows how i'm still alive! I go to the weigh in, and magically i've lost 3lbs - ED perks up in my head - 'see, you got to eat whatever you wanted at the weekend, enjoy yourself, eat normal food again, and you still lost 3lbs - well done girl'. All of a sudden, the 3-4 days of starving myself, throwing up, and shitting through the eye of a needle are vanished from my mind! I'm 3lbs down! And so the cycle goes on. I don't think i've ever done a diet when this hasn't happend. So, I will no longer ever diet again - and do you know what? It's a huge relief to say that. On the downside, i'm overweight and need to loose weight.
I have many other triggers, including money worries and feeling lonely, but the main trigger is weight, and how I think i'm perseived by others. The media, and what that tells us we should look like, the government and the guidelines they give us to live by. I am obese as far as my BMI says, but I don't actually look in the mirror and see what I think is obsese. Obese is one of them people who need to be craned out of their homes, people who eat 3 take aways a day and have rolls of fat. I'm not like that? Am I?
Anyway, I am going to end my 1st blog on a high note. Today is a good day, and I beat ED again. I am off out for a meal with my sister and best friend tonight and feel good.
I will be back tomorrow no doubt, as this blogging seems to have become my new addiction! x
