My last blog of 2012. I'm going to take you on a journey of my inner most feelings, ups and downs and then look forward to 2013!
Well, shall we start at Midnight on January 1st 2012??? 'Happy New Year!!!!!!' I simultaneously kiss and cuddle my gorgeous husband and beautiful daughter! I turn to my Sister and have a cuddle, make my way through the room, kissing and cuddling everyone, doing Auld Langs Syne, all the time, with a smile plastered on my face! A fake smile! Don't get me wrong, I had a brilliant night, but my state of mind was at it's height of crazyness! And 'Happy New Year'? REALLY??? I wasn't happy, I was far from happy. I was just about to embark on one of the scariest processes of my life! Therapy Round 2! Getting to know my therapist, learning to trust her, opening up about the all of the demons stored in my big crazy head!
The beginning of the year started in a haze, I was so mixed up, depressed, not with it. I felt like I was constantly forgetting things, had no zest for life, I was tired, snappy, jealous of people, sensitive to the smallest of things, and ED was rubbing his hands together! It was his time to shine! And boy did he!!! I was back upto bingeing and purging at least 2 times a day! I was lying about my food intake, eating in secret, and being sick until my stomach hurt!
I was also having quite regular panic attacks. A very memorable panic attack came on Thursday 2nd of February. The day started really well, a normal day. I was doing my regular cleaning job at my Sister's house, ipod blasting in my ears whilst I dusted the dining table! Then a song came on... Jessie J, Who you are. I started to sing along to the song, then realised that the song was about me. It was like Jessie J had gotten in my head and wrote this song for me! Here are the lyrics in case you don't know the song!
I stare at my reflection in the mirror
Why am I doing this to myself?
Losing my mind on a tiny error
I nearly left the real me on the shelf
No, no, no, no, no
Don't lose it all in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving,
dreaming is believing
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing
Everybody's bruising
Just be true to who you are
Who you are,
who you are,
who you are
Who you are,
who you are
Brushing my hair,
do I look perfect
I forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah
The more I try the less it's working, yeah, yeah, yeah
'Cause everything inside me screams
No, no, no, no, no
Yes, no's, egos, fake shows like boom
Just go and leave me alone
Real talk, real life, good luck, good night
with a smile, that's my home, that's my home, no
No, no, no, no, no
Here is the link to Youtube if you want to listen!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2WWrupMBAE
It goes on, but I won't bore you with the repeating bit!
Can you see how this song meant so much to me??? Its ok not to be ok. Yet, I felt like I was putting this facade on. I was pretending I was ok, when inside I was an emotional wreck!
Back to the panic attack! As the song ended, I was a heap on the floor, sobbing, not able to catch my breath. I NEEDED help. I needed someone to help me!
I pick up my phone....
I can't phone Steve, he has his 1st ever major exam in the morning. I can't put this on him when he's already feeling so stressed out himself!
I can't phone Kristel. She was having her hair done and I know she doesn't get service in her hairdressers.
I can't phone Emma or Jessica, as they're at work and I know not able to take a call or reply to an email that quick.
EJ - I can't phone her as she is also at work, but I know she will reply to an email instantly.
With tears streaming down my face, my breathing just returning to a slightly less heart attacky speed, I begin to type. I can't even remember what I said. I don't even know what I thought i'd gain out of sharing this with her, but as I wrote, I began to realise how low i'd sunk. I was on the edge. I blurted out how bad it had gotten again, I explained my utter petrifying fears of going into therapy again.
EJ replied very quickly telling me that everything was going to be ok.I was going to get through this and
i'd done the right thing in just blurting it all out. So, I want to thank EJ for this... a lot.
Writing this part of 2012 has just made me really cry. The emails back and forth were a lot more detailed from I remember, but its so hard to recount how ill I was back then, so please forgive me for missing bits out!!!!
Another huge panic attack came from an incident at my nurses office. I am still incredibly angry about this, but here goes.
I hadn't started actual therapy yet at The Maudsley, but I had had a consultation there, been assessed for what sort of therapy i'd need, and weighed ect.
Ok, so it's my pill check appointment with my nurse. I know the process, so I went in prepared. She asked me if I smoke, how many units of alcohol (I daren't tell her I was on about 3000 a week - ok, not 3000, but a lot), and then the dreaded scales. The conversation went like this.
N. hop on the scales
M. I'd rather not know my weight if that's ok
N. OK, why?
M. I'm currently receiving treatment at The Maudsley for Bulimia and my weight is a huge issue and i'm really struggling with it.
N. Shocked face at looking at the scales You have put on 5kgs in the last month Mrs Hirst, How is that even possible? You are now **KGs!
M. Thank you Nurse, but I asked not to be told my weight.
N. with a weight gain like that, something must be wrong
M. Yes, I am bulimic and have been trying my best not to throw everything I eat up, hence the sudden weight gain.
N. You need to go on a diet. You are Obese.
M. Still trying to keep myself under control. I am receiving treatment from the Eating Disorder Unit and will be put on a special plan where I will be monitored and received support.
N. You should go on Weight Watchers or Slimming World.
M. That's what's got me into this mess, is poxy fad diets. Now are you going to prescribe me the pill or not? Because if I'm too bloody fat for it, then fine, but this conversation is over!
I then grabbed my prescription, went outside, got into my car, and proceeded to have a huge panic attack! I couldn't breathe! Oh, let me point out, that my 4 year old daughter was here to witness this. Something I will forever hold against that horrible, unprofessional nurse!
I ended up having to pull over, get out of the car, and sit on the pavement. I called Kristel. All she could hear was my frantic breathing, crying and heaving. She asked me a series of questions for which I grunted answers. 'is someone dead?' 'Is Amelie OK?' 'Are you physically ok?' I got myself under control enough to tell her the story.
>>>>>>Enter, Big Sister with a plot to take down the horrible nurse.
If it wasn't for Kristel calming me down, I'm not sure if I'd got over that incident!!!
As you can imagine, a few very strongly worded letters of complaint were sent to my surgery, which was my compromise to Kristel and Steve that they didn't go down to the surgery and put the nurse into hospital with several broken bones.
Ive written about how my therapy started, how nervous I was in the 1st few sessions, how I learnt how to trust my lovely councillor Hana. She helped me so much. But giving myself a pat on the back here, she helped me to help myself!!!! She taught me how to help myself. Therapy rocks!!!!
24th May - The last time I was sick!!!! That's just over 7 months ago!!!! No binge or purge sessions in 7 Months - Can I get a Hey, Can I get a Ho, Hey, Ho, Hey, Ho!!!!! I rock!!!!!
It was around this time, that Kristel decided that she wanted to loose weight. She didn't talk to me about it, as she knew what a huge thing weight loss was in my world. But I started to notice she was scanning items with her phone just before eating them. I was like, 'What you doing?' It turns out, she had downloaded an app on her phone to help her calorie count. My Fitness Pal. She was exercising more and started to loose quite a bit of weight.
I knew that my weight loss needed to kick start, being that I was overweight, and I thought, what better time to start it, with the support of having my Crazy Lady Appointments. I knew that I had to do this the sensible way, so I spoke to Hana (my crazy lady therapist) and we agreed on a very low drop in my calorie intake, just to see how I got on. The average woman should eat 2000 calories a day, so I dropped to 1860. I was pleased with that. I also started to drink less. I was feeling great.
Together with Kristel's help, Hana's guidance and Steve's participation, I started to loose about 0.5lbs a week! A small, but steady weight loss. And I didn't, and still don't call it a Diet. It's just my Healthy Living Plan. I've continued this Plan since the summer, and managed to loose about a stone!!! But with the extra exercise, I've lost inches and feel so much better in myself!!!
Now, as I said, this blog was about the ups and downs. So far it just seems like a very down year, which it has felt like, but the ups have been there, even if few and far between.
Steve and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary of being together. (In style I might add, in Gordon Ramsey's restaurant) My daughter started school. I've made new friends, who are friends for life. Steve, Amelie and I had a brilliant family holiday in The Lake District with Kristel and James. I had the best girly holiday ever in Marbs with some of my favourite people. But, here is the icing on the cake. As crappy as 2012 has been, it's also contributed to making me more determined than ever to healthy and happy. It's shown me who I am. Through therapy, I've learnt so much about myself, the good, the bad and the ugly! I've turned into the person who I want to be.
Now, here is where I get all mushy. My thank yous. I can't name everyone, but the one's who have helped me the most are here.
My Internet friends. This includes my BC girls and My Facebook friends
My gorgeous family. From my Mum, Dad, Step Dad, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles... I could go on! For everything you do!!!!!! Am I mean it!!!
My Fitness Pal - for helping me loose weight!!!!
All of my friends - From a simple text, a night out, a joke on FB, support, advice and making me happy.
My bestest friends -
Suzy -Texts to check up on me, cheer me up and help me get through some pretty grim times. Lovely weekends spent together which mean more to me than you know!
Jessica - Whilst doing my nails, listening to my stories, advising me, letting me cry and snot all over her perfect hair and being there for me always!!!!
The Edge - Billions of texts per day, random talks about Aubergines (you know what I mean), visits to me and my family to shop, eat and drink and understanding me and my crazy ladyness!!!!
Emma, Well, she's saved me from many a dark evening on my own, listening to my randomness, cheered me up, bought me out of dark places, advised me, kept a close eye on me and complimented my chicken legs quite frequently.A true, true friend who I can't live without! And 2012 has seen Thursday Club born! What would I do without my bestie????
My Blister - Without Kristel, I fear for what would have happened to me. You helped in a way I can't describe. Billions of phone calls, mostly random to talk about nothing, trillions of texts per day, again, talking about nothing and everything. A stern talking to when I needed it, head to head kisses (no one says goodbye like us), advice, much needed support with my slow weight loss, nights in/out, company when I'm lonely, talking me down from a panic attack or 2 (then calling me a drama queen after, just to keep it real - in the nicest way possible of course) Should I go on??? You're my best friend!!!!
The Husband - Where the hell do I start? I'll start by saying Thank you. God, this man has had a year to remember, or to forget. Lets not forget he's doing The Knowledge. Can we get a round of applause?? He started his exams (appearances) this year, AND had to deal with his dramatic wife! What a ledge!!!! He's seen me at my worst, sometimes for days on end of utter depression, listening to my 'i'm having a fat/ugly day' (quite a lot), or 'why hasn't so and so text me back, I text her 30 seconds ago, she must hate me' 'When will life give me a chance?'. He's woken me from horrific nightmares which unfortunately comes with the territory of taking crazy lady meds and digging into your past. He's cuddled me when I need it, cancelled plans when i've had 'a moment', he's honestly been there for me at every single pitfall, and there to love me through it all! You really are the best husband in the world!!!
Right, 2012 ends in 30 hours, and i've got to say, i'll be glad to see the back of it!!!!
2013 is the year of Louise - just so you know. It's going to be happy, it's going to be healthy and it's going to kick ED straight in the crotch!!!
I have so much power over ED right now, and he hates it. He is a small, pathetic little man, cowering in the corner of my mind, and i'm so strong that he can't even begin to penetrate my happiness!!!!
I hate ED like a cancer, but without him, I don't know if i'd be the person I am today! They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.... I think that I am a perfect example of this saying!
I end this blog with tears in my eyes, but they are tears of happiness. They are tears of impending prosperity that I know 2013 will bring!
Happy New Year to you all!!!!!!
