Getting healthy in mind and body!

Hello there, sorry its been a while since my last blog, I've been really busy with work and getting ready for my holiday!
I'm glad to report that I am still Binge and Purge free and I'm feeling really good. That's 47 days! Not without temptation of course!

As I've been writing this blog, I've been getting stronger and stronger and feeling so much healthier in mind. I am however still overweight, and together with my sister Kristel and Steve, who are monitoring me quite closely, and with the support from my lovely therapist, I've decided to start getting healthier in body too.
Now, before anyone thinks I'm on a strict diet, I'm not. Diet is not a word that I will use again, and restricting food groups is out of the question. I am simply taking care of myself and hoping to change the way that I look at food. Rather than thinking that carbs are bad for you for instance, I need to train myself that carbs are a source of energy, and I need energy to live. Rather than thinking that having a Chinese on a Friday night is going to have undone all of the hard work I have done all week, think of it as a treat and not to get up on Saturday morning and say 'oh well, I've fucked it up now, I may as well have a fry up, Mcdonalds etc', and just start again on Monday!

How many times have you had a bad day on the diet, and you say 'I'll get back on it on Monday'? I must have said that every single week for most of my life! And I know that I'm not alone!
But I think for me, I have it in my head that if I'm going to fall off the diet wagon, I may as well enjoy it, and before I know it, I'm pigging out!

I said that I'd done every diet in the book right? Well actually, I haven't. The one that I haven't done and the one that is the most effective is what I'm doing now, although we don't call it a diet. Its just healthy eating, and I have a realistic, albeit very small, goal in mind.
Who starts a diet and wants to loose at least 2-3lbs a week? Me!!!!!!
Do you know how much 3lbs is? Its a lot, and unless you're really overweight, which I don't consider myself to be, that's an unhealthy weight loss. Its taken me a long time to get my head round this, and some days I'm not totally convinced, but my aim is loose around 1/2 lb a week. This has been agreed with my therapist and she's happy with such a sensible goal.
I feel relieved actually, and I'm eating really well, still allowing myself what I want, but being sensible.
I have also cut the booze right down too, and I feel so much healthier. Cutting the booze down is not just for the healthy side of things, as I said earlier on in my blog, I was drinking too much!

I've been eating like this for a few weeks now, still enjoying a bacon sarnie on Sunday morning, home made pizza, jacket potatoes etc, and I'm about 3lbs down I think.
If I'm completely honest, I think, 'if I was doing Slimming World, I'd be at least half a stone down by now'. But I can't think like that.

I have to think about this long term and know that this is a change for life.
I'm not the sort of person who goes into a restaurant and orders a salad, or the baked salmon. When I go into a restaurant, I want the biggest, nicest thing on the menu, and this new way of eating, allows me to do that. Ok, maybe not the biggest thing on the menu, but you get my drift.

Let's say its 3 weeks that I've been eating like this, and I don't feel deprived of anything. I've had days out eating and drinking what I want, nights in with a cheeky glass of wine or 2, and I've still managed to loose a few lbs.
Why haven't I ever done this before?????

And I feel super healthy by the way!

My mind is getting healthier with this new way of thinking, but I think that there will always be part of it that's broken, and not sure how I can ever fix that part. Even with therapy!
The part of my brain that is somewhat warped, is the way I will bring up Amelie, and any other children I may have.
I am so scared that Amelie will grow up to have this same condition as me, that I actively don't say certain words in front her. I don't use the scales when she's in the room, I don't allow her to say certain things; ie, 'look at my big fat tummy' after eating a big meal.

Anorexia, Bulimia or any other eating disorder isn't hereditary, but it can be learnt behaviour. I talk from experience. I grew up with a bulimic step mum. I used to be able to hear her throwing up every meal, then when I questioned her about it, was told I was imagining things.
I'm sure that if you've read my blog so far, you'll know that listening to someone be sick, didn't lead me to become bulimic myself. Its a psychological illness caused by many factors. This contribution wasn't very helpful I admit!

But the way that the media portrays beauty these days, is a sight more scary than when I was a kid. Models of a size 4, celebs on the latest cabbage diet, thinspiration, pro anorexic websites, headlines with 'Obesity on the rise'. This leads into how I feel about Amelie growing up with these unrealistic images surrounding her, partnered with the fact that her Mum is a bulimic!

As I've said before, I always felt fat, even though I wasn't. I was a healthy child and I liked my food, including fruit and veg. My fear of Amelie growing up to think that she's fat, scare the crap out of me.

Now, Amelie is actually very petite, but the amount she eats is enough to feed a grown man! And a simple comment from Steve to Amelie, like 'I can't believe you ate all of that dinner, where did you put it all?' Sometimes sends me into an irrational spin!

I don't allow the use of the word Fat in front of her. Its like a swear word in our house. I don't ever talk myself down in front of her, because I want her to have a good self image, not the weird way I look at myself.
If Amelie ever catches Steve and I weighing ourselves (which isn't often), she always asks if she can get on the scales. This makes me wince! Even though I know its just a child wanting to copy her parents. She doesn't yet know what weight is!

I was speaking to my friend Jessica the other day about this, and asking if its normal to try to protect Amelie from such 'language', and she assured me that most parents talk to their children about weight. Most children will ask to be weighed, and its not such a bad thing. I guess the irrational side of me thinks that she'll end up like me!

So what is 'normal'?
I don't agree with children being overweight, and by overweight, I mean obese, greedy, eating fried food everyday. So when I see these items come on Daybreak for instance, and a poor 8 year old child, who weighs 12 stone is put on a strict diet, I cringe!
How do people let their children get that overweight, then put them through the turmoil of going on a diet? And displaying it on national television! In my opinion, that's asking for trouble.

I know that children have different size appetites, different metabolisms etc, but just being sensible with them is the start right? There are ways of helping your child loose weight, other than putting them on a strict diet!

I was about 12 and my step Mum told me that I had started to put weight on, and I needed to be careful now that I was becoming a woman. I had to start watching what I ate.
Honestly, I was mortified! And do you know what I did, I went on the equivalent of The Duken Diet, although a lot less healthy than The Duken Diet!
My diet consisted of
Breakfast - Scrambled eggs (no milk, cheese or salt, just added water)
Lunchtime - grilled chicken and a boiled egg.
Dinner - Steak and poached eggs.
No vegetables, no snacks, no nothing, except protein!

I was 12 for God's sake!!!! How the hell did that stupid woman let me do that diet!? I lasted 4 days before feeling like I would simply faint! I lost 9lbs! In 4 days!

Do you know how long it took me to put 9lbs back on? 2 days!!!!!!!
What a waste! And how unhealthy?????

I'd just like to point out here, that my Dad was away travelling, and my big sister had probably been given the same talk and was doing the same diet!

Obviously this is the extreme of unhealthy teaching in diet to your child, and not something that I hope any child has to go through, but I ask again, what is normal? Because I don't know! Hopefully by the end of my treatment, and over the years of normal behaviour around food, will teach me to relax with how I am with Amelie, and feel more comfortable with these things.
I will also be honest with her, when the time comes, and I feel she's old enough to understand. I'll tell her about my condition and hopefully have the tools to educate her enough to not follow in my footsteps!

Anyway, I'm off on holiday with Steve, Amelie, sister Kristel and brother in law James tomorrow, and guess who isn't invited? ED.
Actually, ED seems to gone on holiday himself lately. I think he got fed up with waiting for me to break! I'm not stupid enough to think he's gone too far, as he must have concord or something, as I know the second I falter, he'll be there with his arms open wide!
This is something I need to keep in check, keep my eye on, and not get too complacent with being 'ED free', because one simple thing can throw me over the edge. It might be tomorrow, it might be in 3 weeks time, or it could be in 6 years time. Hopefully never, but this isn't something I take for granted, not anymore. And with this new healthy body, healthy mind attitude, I grow stronger!

Will I ever be free from ED?

The longest I went without being a victim of ED was just under 3 years! If you have suffered with an eating disorder, you will know what a huge achievement that is. If you've read my whole blog so far, you will understand how hard it was!
Falling off the wagon in July last year was tough, I fell really hard, and it hurt. I was 6 weeks off being binge/purge free. I used to say ED free, but I think that ED will always be part of my life, plus, I'd dabbled quite a bit in starving myself for days on end after a heavy weekend, so to say that I was ED free would be a lie. But being sick and using laxatives again was where it grabbed hold of me like a noose round my throat!

At 1st it was only once a week or so, then it got more and more frequent, really quickly! ED has a habit of taking control as soon as he sees the weakness. I don't remember binging at all, but I was definitely over eating on purpose and using a lot of laxatives and being sick again.

I remember thinking 'what a waste the last (nearly) 3 years have been! Well ED was thinking that anyway, I was breaking down inside. But I kept my smile in place, and the bathroom door locked!

I'd sit on the bathroom floor after being sick, and berate myself for giving in, for letting that evil Man back into my life.

I knew that I had to get help again, but I think ED had already started to control me by the time I thought about help. The reason I think this, is because I allowed myself to have a fling with him. For a couple of months anyway. I thought he could he help me loose weight.

I spoke to Steve about it, and we made an appointment with my lovely GP. He has been amazing and really helped me.
At this stage, the binge/purge cycle wasn't too bad. And now that Steve knew, and my close friends and family, I knew that I couldn't betray them by sneaking off to the toilet after dinner. In my naivety, I thought that just telling Steve, admitting that I had a problem again, would make ED vanish.
He didn't, and in the 3 months it took to get a referral, and then the subsequent 5 months it took to start my therapy, ED got stronger and I got weaker.

The 1st time round (in 2008) when I went to the GP with my problem, I was referred and was receiving intense treatment within 2 weeks! I had private healthcare and was a day patient at The Priory.
Man, I miss private healthcare.

Anyway, in the lead upto Christmas, EDs presence was mainly in laxative abuse, the ocassional binge/purge episode. But then its like he found some new powers and all of the treatment I'd received in The Priory, in the way of Self Image Group, Confidence Building Group, ED Group and various others, I'd forgotten how to fight him off.

I was back to be being Fat, and Ugly and un deserving of anything nice. I started to hate myself again. The depression that ED brings is Self Loathing!

I started to loose my confidence, I didn't want to go out with friends, I started avoiding people.
To me, everything was about food, weight, exercise and how I should be doing more. Everyone's status on Facebook was aimed at me
'Caroline is going to the gym'
'Sid has just started Slimming World'
'Gary needs to loose weight'.
Names have been changed to protect my friend's identity, ha ha! Now you're wondering if its you right???

I honestly thought that everyone was ganging up on me.
For those of you who know me; remember my Facebook Break? This was why! I couldn't bare to hear about other people's lives. How happy someone was, made me jealous it wasn't me. How miserable someone was, made me feel like I should be more miserable.

Do you see how ED can affect the mind of someone with an Eating Disorder and Depression? Its totally warped, and only now that I'm getting more healthy in mind do I see how ridiculous I was to think these things about my friends!!

I started binging and vomiting in secret, when I was alone in the house. I had a lot going on with debt, childcare and various other things, and I used ED as a way of coping with them. He's good at that, helping you forget about your life.... for all of 10 minutes! So not that good really!

I started to wear baggy clothes again, to hide my 'huge bulk' as I used to refer to it. I didn't like anyone looking at me, I didn't want my photo taken, and I stopped being 'me'.

Steve is probably the only one who knows the full extent of what went on. He see the depression, the tears before going out with a friend as I just couldn't find anything to wear, I looked fat. I'd sit in bed at night desperately trying to sleep, but my mind raced with ways to try to stop what was happening to me.
Steve see ED slowly picking holes in me, and no matter what he said to try to persuade me otherwise, ED always won!

Even my close family and friends only got to see glimpses of how low I got, as ED makes you this Oscar winning actor. I could suck it up and put a smile on my face, go out, be the life and soul, but inside I was a wreck.

Can you see that I'm referring to how I felt in the past contents? That's because I don't feel like that anymore. I have days where 'nothing fits', hey doesn't every woman? I have days where food is all I can think about, but I guess I have to accept that most normal people have days like this too!

Today is 2nd July 2012, and I am 39 days binge/purge free! How flipping great is that?
I am so proud of myself!
I also got weighed at hospital last week, and have managed to maintain my weight! That's a huge achievement, as its so easy to start putting weight on when you stop throwing up!
I had blood tests as well to check how everything inside was doing, make sure I hadn't damaged anything, and I also got the all clear from that!

So, will I ever be free of ED? Probably not. I think he'll always be somewhere in my mind, lurking in the aisles at the supermarket, whispering in my ear when I'm having a Friday night chinese with Steve. But at the moment, I'm finding the strength to ignore him. I'm stronger than ED!
Do you know how great it feels it feels to say that I'm stronger than him?

Since writing my blog, I've had the most amazing amount of support from my friends and family, lovely messages saying that they didn't know the extent of my illness and thanking me for putting the word out there and being so honest. I've also had messages from complete strangers, people who have also suffered with an Eating Disorder, and have stumbled across my blog in a search engine, on Twitter or through a mutual friend.
A lovely woman in her 40s gave me a huge amount of determination to keep fighting, to keep writing. She had also suffered with an eating disorder as a young woman, but managed to shake him off, managed to deal with it and bury it! She has been ED free for nearly 20 years now!
That could be me!! NO wait, that WILL be me!!!!

Message to ED. You may not like me very much, I may not be what you want, but I have a lot of people who do, and with their help, I'm going to get rid of you, and learn to start loving me for me again!