This time of year!

Hello! Long time no write!

I haven't been blogging, as I haven't really had much to report on the ED side of things, and there's only so many stories you can tell about hiding bags of sick or eating an entire bakery! 

My reasoning for popping up today is just to say hi really! To let you all know that I'm still ok. I don't have a number of days to report (like I used to), but it's been roughly 19 months since I last acted on my Eating Disorder, otherwise known as ED! That's a flipping massive achievement and just last week, my Dad and I had an emotional moment thinking back to the terrible state my crazy mind was at 19 months ago! 

You know, it's weird, I'm in a fantastic place in my life at the moment, couldn't be happier, but I still can't bring myself to read back over my own blog! I tried, but I found myself feeling so sad and upset about how far down the path of self destruction I was in, how much I was hurting myself (mentally) and how depressed I was! 

This time of year is hard for me and ED. We spent many years looking forward to this time of year together - too much food, lots of opportunities to sneak off for private rendezvous in the toilets, over eating and not really having to hide it, as everyone is overeating, and yet, so much guilt at my secret life!

It's also a time of year that coincidentally both sets of my crazy lady sessions stopped! Bloody shit timing eh, but it just so happened that way, twice! 

Saying goodbye to my crazy lady therapist this time last year (who, when I told her that I referred to her this way, was hysterical with laughter) was like saying goodbye to a friend who I knew I was never going to see again! I think I harped on about this last year, so I'll save you the dramatics! 

And the most obvious thing! Christmas is about food and booze . yes I know it's really about the birth of our saviour and celebrating his life, but after I've finished praying and thinking about Jesus and doing Jesus(y) things, I'm left with a whole lot of amazing food to eat, a whole lot of parties to go to, and a whole lot of guilt of how much I'm enjoying all of these things! Not so much these days, but I do still struggle to not go over the top! 

I don't think it'll matter how any months or years that ED hasn't controlled my thoughts, I think I'll probably always struggle with him at Christmas! 

So yes I'm happy, I'm content, but there is also a tiny undercurrent that follows me around. Maybe it's always there, but just seems more prominent at Christmas! 

But the key is acknowledge it! And I do! 

As much as I hate ED, I still have to accept that he's part of my life, and just check in on him every now and then! Make sure he's not sharpening his knives too much, or plotting his revenge of my dumping of him! And he hates it when I pull him up on trying to turn me again! He's my bitch now! And I intend to keep it that way!

Anyway, like I said, it was just a little blog to pop up again! 

I know that some people who read my blog, do so because they relate to me. Not necessarily to the eating disorder, but the loneliness, depression, addiction! And to all of these people, I ask how you are? Are you on your way out of your dark place? If not, I want to help you! Please reach out to  me. I only dug myself out of this shit hole by reaching out to someone else, and she was a practical stranger who I met online - right dodgy character too - ha ha, only kidding, she's ace! 

And for those of you who have come out of the other side, I take my hat off to you! 

2012 as you know was a shocking year for me (and my lovely husband). I started 2013 with the intention to make sure it was a good one, and I tell you what, it's been cracking!!! 

I cry every single New Years Eve, always  have done. Usually because of thinking of my lovely Nanny Lil and her New Year's eve tradition of out with the old and in with the new back/front door opening, which I now do! But sometimes because i'm happy and for some reason 'Old Lang Syne' makes me feel emotional! Weirdo! 

Last NYE I cried because I'd just about survived a really shitty year, and was determined to not have another one the same! I haven't! It wasn't luck, it wasn't 'in the stars', it wasn't because of circumstance, it was because I, or actually, we, Steve and I made it! We got help from our guardian angels (Dad and Kristel and all of our friends and family), but we rocked 2013!!!!! 

If this year has been a shit one for you, make 2014 your year! It won't happen unless you make it!!!

Anyway, I want to wish you a merry Christmas and a very happy, healthy new year!!! 

May all of your dreams come true, and all of your wishes become realities!!! God I'm getting sentimental in my old age!!!!

Oh, and by the way, ED - Ya Mum!!!! 

Now I get it!

What a difference a year makes! Yep, I made it 1 year without acting on my Weird Crazy EDness! Not one binge, not one purge! I've been tempted, and come very close, but I managed to peel ED's rancid, moldy  scummy claws out of my still healing and sensitive skin, and tell him to piss off! 

Can I get a standing ovation? Maybe a Mexican wave in my honour??? 

So my last blog saw me saying goodbye to a really tough year that was 2012. It was a hard blog to write, digging deep over 7 months or so of battling with my ex, ED! But it felt good to be saying adios, and looking to a new year of feeling happy, feeling healthy and finally rebuilding my self esteem, learning to love myself and look after myself again! Let me tell ya...I have! 

I feel like a new woman and I'll no doubt bore you with telling you why! Don't worry, I'll try to throw in a bit of drama and depression to keep you gripped! Lets face it, no-one wants to just hear about how great everything is, do they? 

I'll start off with my amazing breakthrough in life! The title of this blog entry is 'Now I get it' The 'it' being 'healthy living' 

I always thought I knew it all. Always thought I knew what I was doing to my body, knew how to get slim, knew what to do, but always blamed being over weight on various factors. No will power, ED (mostly ED), lifestyle,circumstance, supermarket aisle arrangement, my PCOS (Polycystic Overy Syndrome), maybe I've got an under active thyroid, a slow metabolism? No time to eat healthily, blah blah blah! 

I still have crappy will power, my PCOS probably is a factor (a very small one), lifestyle etc etc, but I also know that the reason I was overweight, using ED as get out clause, is mainly because I had no idea of what I was doing to myself! The food I was eating, the amount I was eating, and the exercise I was doing was just not enough to counteract my intake! 

God, I'm gonna sound like a real no-it-all now, but I really want to share my developing mind. 

So it's been 4 months since I started to understand properly! You might remember last year I said I was following a calorie controlled plan, using My Fitness Pal app on my phone. I wasn't really following it to the tee. I was being honest about my food and alcohol intake from Monday to Thursday night, then taking the weekend off! So my weight was bouncing up and down by 3-4lbs and not really getting anywhere. 

So the beginning of Feb, i had a bit of a meltdown to Kristel. 'Why aren't I loosing any weight, what more can I do?' She explained how the plan worked. Kristel is THEE My Fitness Pal spokesperson by the way. Not officially, but she should be paid for all of the help she's given other people for explaining it, and for for loosing 4.5stone on it herself. Can we get a round of applause for my skinny sister? 

Anyway, I could still eat a bit more at the weekend, still have a boozy Saturday if I wanted, but I had to still log everything I was consuming...,Monday to Sunday. See what my weekly average of calorie consumption was. 

It took me a few weeks to get my head round it and believe that I could actually loose weight, even though I had a mega weekend... but it was because i'd saved my calories up through the week, doing more exercise to earn extra calories so that I didn't feel guilty about my Saturday night take away! 

It's the healthiest i've ever been towards food and exercise. It's like something inside me snapped and was like 'This is what most people actually do to loose weight, then maintain it'
 I've spent my life with my weight either being low or high and never the same for more than a few months at a time. I was either on a diet or not! 

I'm allowing myself big blow out days if I have days where I don't eat as much. 

My weight loss is averaging around 2lbs a month! Not a lot right, but you don't see me holding back on a night out, trying to survive on a poxy salad when I actually want spaghetti Bolognaise. So if you've read my blog from day 1, going back to last year, you understand what a massive breakthrough this is. 

The old Louise would need to see at least a 2-3lb weight loss every week! The old Louise would be despairing in a restaurant because I couldn't work out the exact Point/Syn/Carb value, and feeling particularly unsatisfied with my choice whilst everyone happily eats their 'treat for the week'

 

Like I say, the weight loss is slow, but this time by Christmas, I'll be another stone lighter! As they say, slowly does it!  

My exercise level has quadrupled too, which helps to earn calories, as well as totally transforming my body, and my mind if truth be told. 

They say that exercise encourages natural endorphins, it's true. 

I was always one if them people who hated the gym, forced myself to go swimming, convinced myself I enjoyed doing work out DVDs at he. Do'ya know what, I despised it! 

But I've found MY exercise that I love doing, and I've shocked myself. Bootcamp! Bloody hard work, but I love it. 

And walking! As you might know, Kristel and I are training for a 50k walking challenge in September. The training is great. We walk along (Usually some part of the Thames Path), and talk crap for hours at a time! 

The Challenge is The Thames Path Challenge (50k), and our justgiving page www.justgiving.co.uk/blisters50k if you'd like to read more. 

Anyway, getting back. I still have weird days, I still have down days, but when I look back to a year ago, I know how far I've come. 

I look forward to a future of No ED at all. It seems like a less impossible thing these days. I never thought he'd be completely gone from me, but I look forward and he's not there! 

As I say, I still have shitty days, but I'm a person, I'm a woman, I'm a Mum, a Wife etc. doesn't everyone? The problem with having had depression, is that when you have a bad day, your nearest and dearest worry that it could be depression creeping back. Especially if you have a few bad days on the spin, seem more snappy or emotional. 

I hope Kristel won't mind me mentioning a particular incident when this came up. 

I'd just had my Big Fat 30th party, and after planning it for months....okay years, it was all over. You know me, I do like to have something to plan, and I had nothing. 

 

I was looking for a job, which I quickly learnt was gonna prove harder than I thought, and be a road of rejection (an emotion I don't deal particularly well with) and the road seemed very long. 

I was being turned down from even joining job agencies given that I'd 'been out of the game' for over 3 years. 

It got me down, if I'm honest, I was well and truly pissed off. But it was just that, I was pissed off. 

I was maybe drinking slightly more than I'd got my alcohol level down to, and so my weight loss had plateaued, which pissed me off even more.

 

Kristel became worried, she was worried that I was slipping back into a mild depression. So as sisters do, we had a good chat. She told me that she was worried that I'd been down quite a bit lately, and was it a good idea that I was lowering my crazy lady meds. 

I explained that I was just having a few down days because of looking for a job, having no money, Amelie was acting up quite a bit (probably with the anticipation of change on the horizon), and it was just general feeling down, rather than my old depression creeping back in. 

I know that given my history, and how quickly I went from being 'Louise' to being 'crazy Louise who needs crazy lady drugs and councilling, TWICE' I know that my nearest and dearest are probably on high alert. And I love that Kristel was caring for me, and just looking for the old signs. But it was just regular, 'not that crazy Louise' feeling pissed off. 

Anyway, I mentioned that I was coming off my Crazy Lady Meds. It was something I done with my doctor, a process we did slowly, and I knew inside that I was ready. 

I was on 40mgs before Christmas, we then went down to 20mgs for 6 weeks, them to 10mgs, down to 10mgs every other day. I've been off them for about 6 weeks now, and no sign of bring completely unstable without them, so here I am, pill free. 

The pills aren't something I ever felt shame taking. They bloody well helped me to stay slightly less over the edge crazy that my eating disorder had driven me to. They gave me a ledge to lean on when I really couldn't stand alone. And to Prozac, I thank you. 

Anyway, I've gone on enough. I wanted to blog on my year anniversary to celebrate what a long way I've come, to show any sufferers out there that it can be done. Encourage anyone with an addiction, depression or whatever it is, that with hard work, a year from now, you could be in a very different situation.