Hello there! Sorry for the long delay again. It seems that life is very
busy at the moment, and I haven't had a lot of time to blog much.
Anyway, I've had a lovely summer, and guess what? I'm still ED free! Its
been over 4 months, and I have honestly stopped thinking about it every
day! I don't think about it after every meal, and only occasionally
does he rear his ugly head to remind me that he's still lurking! But I
have a secret weapon to slap him away with.... Healthy Living!
Its still going very well, and I've lost about 10lbs now. I think its
been about 12 weeks or so, so I'm really pleased! I have the odd day
where I have a few too many sneaky treats, but this is a life long
thing, so I don't want to deprive myself forever eh?
I feel more confident in my appearance than I have in a very long time,
maybe ever. And I'm no-where near the slimmest I've ever been, which
goes to show that weight loss and appearance is a huge state of mind!
Anyway, therapy has been getting tougher as the weeks have gone on. My
therapist has moved up a notch, and I feel like in the last 5 sessions
or so, I've overcome my trust issues with her, and let her in a lot more
than previous weeks. This has made exploring my mental health a lot
more in depth, which means the questions are harder, the answers a lot
harder to dig for, but I am growing so much! I'm understanding myself so
much more.
In recent weeks, we've explored my need for perfection. I've spoken
about this in previous blogs before, but it seems that my overwhelming
aim to appear perfect has held me back from being who I am! This might
sound a bit deep, so let me explore this with you!
Throughout my life I have struggled with rejection, struggled with
people not liking me, not getting a job, not making people happy, which
in turn has led to me wanting everyone to like me and making everybody
happy, even sometimes at the cost of my own happiness.
I go out of my way to please people, feel awful if it appears that
someone doesn't like me, and try to appear that everything in my life is
perfect!
Perfection is an unrealistic goal, but its always been my highest goal. Settling for ok, is not an option.
My house has to be tidy, clean, the pillows fluffed, the stairs
hoovered....when people come into my home, it shows that I have a
perfect home.
My relationships are perfect! For instance, my 1st boyfriend. Everyone
'thought' that we had this perfect relationship, because I would tell
people that we didn't argue, we never showed signs of weakness. So when I
finally cracked and split up with him, everyone was shocked, including
my boyfriend. Nobody could understand why I'd ended things! It wasn't perfect, it was far from perfect, as is any relationship, but on the outside, we were fabulous! On the inside, I was screaming out for attention from him, wanted more, needed more. Maybe i'm a princess, Steve may agree here? But I wanted my boyfriend to want me, need me and crave just me.... but he didn't. He wanted to be young, be out with lads and have fun, and I slotted into that life. I was out, with his friends, having fun and living his life. Then one day I was like 'hang on, I need more' But to everyone else, because i'd portrayed this perfect relationship, and I was walking away from it, I was the bitch. All of the friends that i'd made over the 3.5years we were together, all dropped me like a sack of shit.. i'd broken Rob's heart.
In the 1st few years of Steve's and mine relationship, I did the same thing. Everything is great, we don't argue, we love everything about each other...... wrong. Do you know what? Steve is the most amazing man in the whole world, but he's not perfect, as i'm not either! He snores... ok, so do I. He gets stroppy.... ok, me too. He leaves his dirty pants on the floor after he's had a shower (for the record, I don't ever have dirty pants, i'm perfect) and he gets on my nerves about the smallest thing. But do you know what... that's NORMAL. I get on his nerves too. We jar each other, but for the most part, we love each other with the biggest passion there is, we accept each others floors and we have some of the greatest farting competitions ever. Steve and I rock - even when we jar each other. We're not perfect, but we work.
I've realised that things don't have to be perfect to work... if only I can work that to the way I think of myself!
Anyway, the title of this blog Love me.... Like me.... Actually, take me as I am, except me for who I am.... Love me??? I go through phases of my life, phases of every day thinking 'why doesn't she like me?' to 'who cares what people think of me' Most of the time, it's the negative, it's the 'I need people to like me' saga. I'm not sure why. I just really like it when people like me. I like it when people appreciate the effort i've made, like what i've said, what i've done, enjoy my story. But I then realise that I can't please everyone. I can't be everyone's favourite choice. These are my strong days, when I think 'I couldn't give a fuck if you think i'm dressed like a twat' These days are few and far between, but i'm getting there..... well, i'm getting to a happy medium anyway which is a good thing.
This blog has taken me a while to write, as I had so much going on, I had a few bouts of illness, Amelie starting back to school, and then a big girly weekend away. So let me give you a heads up.. I'm 142 binge/purge free!!!! I'm so happy!
My girly holiday was a huge test for me in the 'who will like me' stakes. I was going away with 13 other girls. most of whom i've known most of my adult life and a few who i've never met. I had conversations in my head about how I would approach these other girls who I didn't know. How could I show my best parts off to them. But actually, I didn't ending up trying. I met them, they were all lovely girls, and I had the calm take over me. Take me as I am. I had to try really hard not to try to please people on holiday, not just the new girls, but everyone. I'm usually the 'mum' of the group. The one getting up, clearing up, doing the washing up, tidying up, making sure everyone's towel's are hanging up.... I actually went a little the other way, and didn't do anything. I spent the weekend pleasing myself. Not being Mum, not being Wifey, but being a lazy girl on holiday. It felt wonderful. And I didn't have the whole 'who likes me' attitude.... even when i woke up the next day not knowing how I got home and knowing that one of the other girls had to bring me home and put my drunk arse to bed! Actually, sorry about that girls!!!!
My self esteem comes in peeks and falls. One minute I feel like I can conquer the world, and the next, I feel like i'm so low and how can anyone like me. This is all part of my illness/depression.
It's hard for people to understand, especially if they haven't been through it. It's weird. But you know, I was watching Piers Morgan the other day, and he interviewed Denise Welch, and she said something that i'm sure most people would have bulked at. She has suffered with severe depression, addictions etc. She said that at one point she wished she'd had cancer instead of what she'd been going through. The audience gasped (including myself), what a horrible thing to say. She then went on to say.... with Cancer, it's a recognised disease. People can almost relate to it, even if they haven't been through it themselves. Depression/addiction is something that 'outsiders' can say to 'get over it/snap out of it/just have a drink and you'll be fine.
No, Cancer isn't the same as depression or an addiction, but they are both illnesses. You wouldn't choose to have either, but sometimes, you get unlucky. A lot of people get over depression/addiction, as do a lot of people get over cancer. It doesn't stop it coming back to bite you on the arse in a few years time. We can't control it. I think that Denise Welch made a very valid point!
xx
