Definition: that which one person finds beautiful or admirable may not appeal to another.
I have low self esteem! Not all the time. Sometimes throughout the day, I can feel beautiful, then ugly, then beautiful, then fat, then thin. This can be from each time I go to the toilet, catch my reflection in a shop window, accidentally walk into a door frame (because I'm bloody clumsy) not because my arse is so big it can't fit through a door, or at least that's what ED tells me!
If I said my thought process out loud as and when I (or ED) thought, people would probably think I was a complete nutter. My opinion of myself can literally change by the minute.
Today has been an 'I look amazing/I feel so healthy/my hips look too big in this dress/wow I look good/far too spotty/hair is looking lovely/where are your collar bones/bum jigging as I walk/healthy dinner means I'm a hero' .kind of a day!
God I feel exhausted typing it, but honestly that's my thought process!
Today, I have felt like I've had every single person's pair of eyes on me, judging me. Then my inner hatred reminds me 'why would anyone look at you, you're nothing special' Then someone tells me I look lovely today, and I feel great again.
See exhausting!
This is what I have grown to realise is low self esteem! When I can stand over myself and say 'yep, here we go again, another body crises'
Maybe I did look good today.
Maybe the compliments I got were real!
I have been told by my psychiatrist that I have body dysmorphia, which means I see something different to what you see. I see huge hips when I've been assured countless times, 'you've got a lovely shape, and it's perfectly hourglass(y)'
Are they trying to make me feel better about myself? Or just blatantly lying?
Other days, I love my curves!
At the moment, I'm in a bit of a body crises...well, actually I'm starting to come out of it, but only 5 days ago, I wasn't being very kind to myself! In fact, I was downright awful to myself!
I am bridesmaid to my best friend in 2 weeks time, and I cannot wait! BUT, having stopped throwing up everything I eat for over 3 months now, I've put some weight on! Not a massive amount, and I know that the number isn't important! BUT I have gained a few extra inches! A small price to pay for mental stability and physical health, but still!
So what do I do after a day of feeling fat/miserable/self loathing and getting over a fat weekend? I try my bridesmaid dress on! Yep, I'm that stupid!!!! And guess what??? It's too tight! It goes on, but all I can see is fat armpit, bulge around the midriff, pulling across the back! Monday was not a good day!
BUT for the first time ever, instead of listening to ED in this type of circumstance, who's master plan was to just starve and purge for the next 2 weeks and the dress will look fine! For the first time in one of my ED fuelled crazy days, I text my sister Kristel! I told her how I felt, and what ED was planning for me. And together we made a plan! Steve came home shortly after and we sat and talked about it too. He agreed to help me as much as he could too (by giving up booze and not eating crap as well) and here I am 4 days later and I'm feeling 200% better after a few days of no booze, healthy food, gymming all week, and telling myself that I can do it!
It just goes to show that 'you are what you eat!'
I've also had my lovely Work-Wife Lou helping me at work! We've been hitting the gym hard this week, and she's been encouraging me. Even on Monday when I was full of hatred and self loathing, she dragged me to gym and made me do a full 50 minute hardcore circuit training on my lunch hour! I felt amazing after!!! Love her!
ED doesn't like it when I intervene in his master plans! And he especially doesn't like it when I share his plans with my support network! It gives him less power! And it makes me more powerful! Today i am powerful!
What I find hard to distinguish is 'am I being just a typical woman, or are these ED thoughts' I'm not sure I'll ever be able to distinguish, as I don't think I've ever thought like a typical woman. I know that these thoughts go through most women's heads, but how erratically I'm not sure.
The whole 'I don't have anything to wear' saga....I go through that daily. Even half way through a day...'why on earth did you put this on, it makes you look enormous' 'It doesn't suit you'
As an educated woman, and one who has gone through rehab before, I wonder how I can let my mind take me on these awful adventures. But that's how powerful ED is!
Anyway, in my last couple of blog entries, I mainly spoke about anxiety and depression, but ED is lurking again, and this is the first time I've written about him whilst he's in my head! I usually can't face up to admitting to my thought process when I'm actually in it! He doesn't usually allow this! But I guess I'm getting stronger! ED has won countless times...today I won! I look forward to the day when I can ignore him completely and get on with my life with these as just background noise.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
The reason i started this entry off with this saying, is because it's been ringing in my ears for the last month or so.
When my nearest and dearest tell me that I'm beautiful, I find it hard to accept that they really think this. But I get it.
When my daughter says 'my friend said I look ugly coz I wear glasses and I think I'm ugly too' it literally breaks my heart! My daughter is the most beautiful person I've ever met, and to think that she's listening to some horrible little girl say she's not, and her believing it, makes me angry!
When a friend says 'that's an awful picture of me, delete it' and I think 'Wow, I thought you looked stunning in it'
When my husband sent me a picture of himself this morning, and then said 'whoa, delete that, you can see all my chins' All I see was how gorgeous he is & how much I still fancy him after 15 years together.
I think that we all have a tendency to be hard on ourselves. My homework to myself is to stop being so hard on myself, Love myself a little bit more, and stop listening to ED's opinion.
In the words of Polonius in Hamlet... Shakespeare
'To thine own self be true'
However you interpret that phrase is up to you.
