Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Definition: that which one person finds beautiful or admirable may not appeal to another.

I have low self esteem! Not all the time. Sometimes throughout the day, I can feel beautiful, then ugly, then beautiful, then fat, then thin. This can be from each time I go to the toilet, catch my reflection in a shop window, accidentally walk into a door frame (because I'm bloody clumsy) not because my arse is so big it can't fit through a door, or at least that's what ED tells me! 

If I said my thought process out loud as and when I (or ED) thought, people would probably think I was a complete nutter. My opinion of myself can literally change by the minute. 

Today has been an 'I look amazing/I feel so healthy/my hips look too big in this dress/wow I look good/far too spotty/hair is looking lovely/where are your collar bones/bum jigging as I walk/healthy dinner means I'm a hero' .kind of a day! 

God I feel exhausted typing it, but honestly that's my thought process! 

Today, I have felt like I've had every single person's pair of eyes on me, judging me. Then my inner hatred reminds me 'why would anyone look at you, you're nothing special' Then someone tells me I look lovely today, and I feel great again. 

See exhausting!

This is what I have grown to realise is low self esteem! When I can stand over myself and say 'yep, here we go again, another body crises' 

Maybe I did look good today. 

Maybe the compliments I got were real! 

I have been told by my psychiatrist that I have body dysmorphia, which means I see something different to what you see. I see huge hips when I've been assured countless times, 'you've got a lovely shape, and it's perfectly hourglass(y)' 

Are they trying to make me feel better about myself? Or just blatantly lying? 

Other days, I love my curves! 

At the moment, I'm in a bit of a body crises...well, actually I'm starting to come out of it, but only 5 days ago, I wasn't being very kind to myself! In fact, I was downright awful to myself! 

I am bridesmaid to my best friend in 2 weeks time, and I cannot wait! BUT, having stopped throwing up everything I eat for over 3 months now, I've put some weight on! Not a massive amount, and I know that the number isn't important! BUT I have gained a few extra inches! A small price to pay for mental stability and physical health, but still! 

So what do I do after a day of feeling fat/miserable/self loathing and getting over a fat weekend? I try my bridesmaid dress on! Yep, I'm that stupid!!!! And guess what??? It's too tight! It goes on, but all I can see is fat armpit, bulge around the midriff, pulling across the back! Monday was not a good day! 

BUT for the first time ever, instead of listening to ED in this type of circumstance, who's master plan was to just starve and purge for the next 2 weeks and the dress will look fine! For the first time in one of my ED fuelled crazy days, I text my sister Kristel! I told her how I felt, and what ED was planning for me. And together we made a plan! Steve came home shortly after and we sat and talked about it too. He agreed to help me as much as he could too (by giving up booze and not eating crap as well) and here I am 4 days later and I'm feeling 200% better after a few days of no booze, healthy food, gymming all week, and telling myself that I can do it! 

It just goes to show that 'you are what you eat!'

 

I've also had my lovely Work-Wife Lou helping me at work! We've been hitting the gym hard this week, and she's been encouraging me. Even on Monday when I was full of hatred and self loathing, she dragged me to gym and made me do a full 50 minute hardcore circuit training on my lunch hour! I felt amazing after!!! Love her! 

ED doesn't like it when I intervene in his master plans! And he especially doesn't like it when I share his plans with my support network! It gives him less power! And it makes me more powerful! Today i am powerful! 

What I find hard to distinguish is 'am I being just a typical woman, or are these ED thoughts'  I'm not sure I'll ever be able to distinguish, as I don't think I've ever thought like a typical woman. I know that these thoughts go through most women's heads, but how erratically I'm not sure. 

The whole 'I don't have anything to wear' saga....I go through that daily. Even half way through a day...'why on earth did you put this on, it makes you look enormous' 'It doesn't suit you'

As an educated woman, and one who has gone through rehab before, I wonder how I can let my mind take me on these awful adventures. But that's how powerful ED is! 

Anyway, in my last couple of blog entries, I mainly spoke about anxiety and depression, but ED is lurking again, and this is the first time I've written about him whilst he's in my head! I usually can't face up to admitting to my thought process when I'm actually in it! He doesn't usually allow this! But I guess I'm getting stronger! ED has won countless times...today I won! I look forward to the day when I can ignore him completely and get on with my life with these as just background noise.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

The reason i started this entry off with this saying, is because it's been ringing in my ears for the last month or so. 

When my nearest and dearest tell me that I'm beautiful, I find it hard to accept that they really think this. But I get it.

When my daughter says 'my friend said I look ugly coz I wear glasses and I think I'm ugly too' it literally breaks my heart! My daughter is the most beautiful person I've ever met, and to think that she's listening to some horrible little girl say she's not, and her believing it, makes me angry! 

When a friend says 'that's an awful picture of me, delete it' and I think 'Wow, I thought you looked stunning in it'

When my husband sent me a picture of himself this morning, and then said 'whoa, delete that, you can see all my chins' All I see was how gorgeous he is & how much I still fancy him after 15 years together.

I think that we all have a tendency to be hard on ourselves. My homework to myself is to stop being so hard on myself, Love myself a little bit more, and stop listening to ED's opinion.

In the words of Polonius in Hamlet... Shakespeare

'To thine own self be true'

However you interpret that phrase is up to you.

Meanderings on a Sunday morning!

Steve said something yesterday that made me think, and it made me want to write here.
 I think that a lot of people think that depression is wanting to commit suicide. Let me be very clear. I do not want to die, but some days I don't want to live. Make sense? No?? Let me explain.

There are days that I don't want to be me. I don't want to be Lou. I don't want to be Mum, Wife, Sister, Daughter, Friend or anyone. I just want to disappear. I want to get in my car, drive and drive and drive until I can't drive anymore (that wouldn't be long, coz if you ask Steve, I wouldn't have enough petrol in my car to get me very far). But seriously. I just do not want to have any responsibility, no need to offer advice (one of my fave things to do as we've established). I just want to be a stranger in a coffee shop that smiles politely at the next table, not have any need to talk, think or do anything. Just be. Alone.

Depression can be a very lonely place, but sometimes I just need to be alone.
Last week when I published my blog, I had an influx of texts from my nearest and dearest friends saying 'I'm around next week, let's meet up' 'You know where I am if you want to talk' And I appreciate it so much, coz it's always nice to hear that people care. But I was in a bit of a funk where I needed to just be alone.
I spent a whole day in my front garden making it beautiful, my earphones on blaring out some of the oldest garage tunes known to man, and lost in my thoughts. I actually started the day feeling quite sad and I ended it feeling really upbeat and happy. My intention was to cut the front garden grass, and it ended up with weeding the driveway, trimming hedges, ripping up old plants that were half dead... it was like my form of therapy for the day. I couldn't move the next day, but that's neither here nor there. It cleansed my mind for the day, and now I have a really pretty front garden.

I posted a little Meme on Facebook the other day. This is what it said.

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time.

It's the fear of failure but no urge to be productive.

It's wanting friends but hating socialising.

It's wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely.

It's caring about everything then caring about nothing.

It's feeling everything at once, then feeling paralyzingly numb.

You know when you read something in a book or online and you think 'wow, I couldn't have written that better myself.' Well, this really jumped out and spoke to me. And for someone without mental health problems, it's probably hard to understand. You don't need to understand, you just have to be empathetic.

I've thanked my long suffering husband many times over the years of writing my blog (and in person too by the way), but I do want to give a huge shout out to Steve. Without that man, I honestly don't know where i'd be. I fear that one day he'll think 'I can't handle this bullshit anymore' and walk away from me. God, I bloody hope not...who the hell else would put up with me and my weirdness...depression aside...i'm hard work.

Steve hates it when I go through one of these phases. He hates to watch me over analyse everything, crying for no reason, feeling completely exhausted with my own thoughts, spaced out on a new dose of anti depressants, being extraordinarily shouty with The Kid...the list goes on. But in all of his support to me, he's suffering too. He's carrying me, being the main parent to Amelie, working full time, having to make decisions that I usually do because I am far too overwhelmed to decide on anything right now. And then he says the wrong thing to me... how very dare he. Yes, i'm a bitch at the best of times, but now I'm completely irrational too. And he has to put up with that as well. Fuck, how the hell have we been married for 12 years. I must be really good in bed or he really likes my cooking or something.

Sometimes, Steve will say the 'wrong' thing, and sometimes I bite his head off because of it. Sometimes, I just nod and walk away, have a cry and then realise i'm being over the top. (Steve much prefers it when I do this). But I've got to hand it to the Big Fella. He's a bloomin diamond, and I know that everyone who reads this and knows him will agree with me.

All together now...

For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow......

Anyway, a quick update on my state of mind today. I'm feeling good. I didn't sleep wonderfully, which is kind of a thing at the moment, so at 6am, I decided to come down stairs, puff up the cushions in the living room, put some washing on, and write in my blog.

As I look around my beautiful home and down into my amazing garden, I feel good, I feel happy (that's today by the way...who knows what crazy bat shit i'll turn into tomorrow), and I know that today is going to be a good day. Steve is going to work for a few hours, so Amelie and I are going to do a little gardening, maybe go out on the bikes and spend some time in the fresh air, and then we'll have a nice evening together when Steve gets home.

It's half term next week, so i'm booked off work and going to spend some quality time with my baby girl (who hates being called baby girl at 9 years old) and prepare myself for my return to work next week.

I don't think that this blog edition is speaking about anything in particular, just a mixture of thoughts and emotions, but something made me want to write this morning. And writing is excellent therapy. So until next time...stay healthy... in Mind, Body and Spirit.

What is Depression? I still don't know!

Depression. It's not something that I can fully explain. It comes and it goes. Well, for me it does. I've had therapy, and I have dealt with all of my childhood problems, reasons for ending up in therapy, and learned so many new ways of dealing with it. That doesn't mean it's gone for good. That doesn't mean that when it pops up suddenly I can say 'oh hang on, I've already dealt with you' or 'wait there whilst I meditate this out of me' 

I'm in the throes of a bad cycle again and I'm fully aware of what I need to do to get back on track. 

I've spent the last few days feeling very sorry for myself (mainly coz I've been struck down with yet another cough/cold), but also feeling down, lost, upset. 

I've been speaking to steve about it very openly, and I've been to the doctor who has upped my anti depressants, given me sleeping pills and referred me back to counselling! He wanted to sign me off work, but I wanted to carry on as 'normal' 

I know that the inevitable question is on everyone's lips. 'So is ED along for the ride?' Of course he is, but not in the way he likes to be. 

I'd been casually using him on and off for months last year, having weeks or freedom from him, bouts of binging on him, but since this new little blip, no, I'm not acting out with him. I've been the longest ED free recently than I have in a while. So I'm really happy that He is loosing his power. 

He's still there every morning telling me to weigh myself, that those trousers look hideous coz they show far too much fat hip. But I now have out loud conversations with him and tell him to Fuck off! I'm pretty sure amelie thinks I'm crazy! 

Steve has been amazing at helping me, but sometimes he just doesn't get it. Which is why he's going to be joining me at a few of my counselling sessions. So he can understand why, or better yet, see a professional and see how I talk to them, see how they talk back to me. 

As life is what it is, it's not exactly easy at the moment. Family problems, work problems, having a pre-adolescent 9 year old, loosing my lovely auntie Patty. I guess there comes a time when enough crap is too much crap. 

I'm great at supporting other people. I don't like to sound all self praise here, but helping other people is what I do best. I've recently been told by a friend that I would be a great counsellor myself! Advising other people comes naturally to me, it makes me feel good when they follow a piece of my advice and it makes them feel better. I've been doing this a lot lately, with a lot of people. I guess I'm not the only person with problems. 

And whilst I have been doing my best to support my friends and family, it's easy to let my own problems falls wayside! I guess that's why I like it so much. If I focus on someone else's shitty problem, it stops home overthinking my own. 

I had a spiritual reading in January, and this came up a couple of times. 

'You're not looking after yourself'

'You think you can cure everyone else's problems' 

'Stop focussing so much on other people' 

Well, she was right. The problem is, I'm a bit of a control freak. So whether you want my advice or not, you're gonna get it! Sorry about that! 

I've since been realising that how someone else could tell me how to get over my depression/bad patch/ED, it's only for me to want to go out and tackle those things and deal with my own thing in my own way. And I need to respect my friends and family enough to do the same! That's not gonna stop me still trying to advise you....but for my own sanity, not expect you to do it just because I've told you how to! 

Well, life is really getting me down at the moment, and after a major breakdown at work on Monday, decided that getting signed off for a couple of weeks was probably best. I need to let my mind heal from this latest bout of crap, so a week or two at home, focussing on my needs, letting my new dose of tablets kick in, and getting my brain ready for the next adventure in my life. 

By the way, if you do see me and I'm staring blankly at you, that'll be the meds! I'm like a God damn zombie at the moment! 

I don't usually blog when I'm in the throes of a bad cycle, so I'm sorry I don't have happy ending for you today. But I will still continue to write, and hopefully in a few weeks you'll see progress!!! 

For now, I'm going to watch the sun rise and have a cuppa whilst listening to the woodpecker in my garden!!!