Why would you choose to be sick?

Why would you choose to be sick? 

Yes, this question has been asked to me several times since I came clean about my condition. No one likes being sick right? Yes, you're right. I hate being sick... when i'm ill. Bulimia sick is different though. It's my choice, well not MY actual choice, it's ED's choice, but ED is part of me, and together, we make a conscience decision to bring the food from my stomach back up.
It's weird, because when i'm sick after eating, I don't even think about it as sick. It's just undigested food that is making me feel horrible in my mind and it has to come up! There is no sicky smell, as it's not been in my stomach long enough to digest, and the action is as easy for me as washing your hands.

Don't get me wrong, everytime I do it, I hate what i'm doing, but more for my mind's sake, rather than the actual physical action. I often give myself a talking to before or after, and berate myself for doing it again. This is another example of me being unkind to myself. I will say nasty things to myself, hate myself for doing it again and force myself to look into the mirrow where all I see is ugliness through the puffy cheeks, red face and snot!

Through my years of abusing my body, I could have brought a lot of dangerous effects on my body, some of which I haven't escaped, but I have been very lucky! I could have brought on anemia, decaying teeth, stomach ulcers, heart attack, Osteoporosis and many more nasty conditions. The side effects that I haven't escaped are more subtle, but still there all the same. I have seious IBS, in which I can go months without having a solid toilet. I have acid reflux, which when I get an attack, can be incredibly painful. When I had a bug last month, I ended up in hospital with these pains of rising acid in my stomach, which were more painful than labour! I think that I may have damaged my esophagus too through years of abusing it.

Panic attacks are a major side effect of my condition. These can be scary and sometimes very lengthy. It usually starts with me crying, but then I start to hyperventilate and if it's a very bad one, I will usually uncontrollably dry heave. Steve has been with me when I have had these attacks, and I can only imagine how horrible it must be to witness someone you love having a panic attack and not being able to do anything about it! Luckily these are few and far between at the moment.

Depression is also a major side effect, but unfortunately this isn't so few and far between. This is something that effects my life everyday. I think that unless you have suffered depression, or watched someone you love suffer with it, it's not something that I can descibe to you without going into detail.
Without the depression, I am a very outgoing, fun loving and happy person. When ED strikes and the depression kicks in, I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I feel like I have no-one in the world who loves me, that Steve and Amelie would be better off without me (again, this isn't me saying I want to kill myself), but that they would happier if I just left them. I feel paranoid about everything. If I text someone and they don't text back without minutes, I assume that I must have pissed them off. If I speak to someone and they seem slightly distracted or not overly friendly, I assume that it must be because of something that i've done. I go through weeks of not looking in the mirror, hating my body, my face. I can't bring myself to look at my body when I'm in the shower, and shy away from not wearing clothes in front of my own husband. I am very critical of myself and have a very low self esteem, but i'm working on it!
I panic at what to wear for the simplest occasions. Going to a friend's for dinner and i'm litterally trying on 6 outfits. Yes, just for a night sitting in my best friend's living room!
I constantly feel like everyone is looking at me, and judging me. Wondering why I would wear something like that, as it makes me look enourmous, doesn't do anything for my figure, or i'm too old to be wearing something like that! I get these pananoid thoughts about the closest people in my life. Seeing my sister, going to have my nails done at my best friend's house, sitting in doors on a Sunday with Steve and Amelie. How could anyone feel that paranoid in front of their nearest and dearest? ED is in charge of that. The voice in my head telling me these things - and unfortunately, he's a lot stronger and more convincing than me.

I take fluoxetine (Prozac) to help with these thoughts, and it really helps. I know there are a lot of people who think that there is a stigma attached to taking anti depressants, but hopefully I can explain why you shouldn't! I have an illness, something wrong with my brain. There isn't a pill that I can take to make me feel better unfortunately. It's not something that I can have removed. It's something that will always be part of me, but that I have to get under control. The way I get it under control is by having Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which addresses the dysfunctional thoughts and behaviours in my mind which lead to my bulimic actions. Basically, what is making me want to be sick. Whilst I have this therapy, I do a lot of digging into my past, into my present thoughts and it's hard work. Addressing things from my childhood that may be painful to bring back up, thinking about relationships and circumstances that surround my present life, problems that I need to talk about. The anti depressant makes talking about that a little easier. Like if you have a really bad migraine, you take a migraine pill and lay in a dark room. It never takes the pain away completely, but it helps you and takes the edge off right? Imagine trying to get over that migraine without with that little tablet. It would be horrendous right? The anti depressant makes my therapy a little easier. It gives me back my confidence that is in there somewhere, and it helps to keep my mind in a healthier place!

I don't look ill do I? As with people who suffer with Post Natal Depression, Bipolar, Depression, functioning alcoholics, functioning drug addicts, and many more psychological illnesses. It's easy to think that these people are fine. We don't wear a bandage, we don't need crutches, there is nothing physically different about our appearance right? This makes it harder for people to understand these illnesses I think. With Anorexia, the sufferer is obviously ill. This doesn't mean that someone with Bulimia suffers any less than those with Anorexia.

So, by now, I hope that i've given you some things to think about. I hope that you understand a little more about the condition of Bulimia. There are many layers to the illness and I hope to show you the different layers one by one.