Today is a strange old day. I've had the best weekend with my family. We
celebrated the Diamond Jubilee, went into London to watch the boat
parade, had a couple of lazy days and it was just so lovely. Me and
Steve made a decision not to over eat as we'd been so good last week
with eating healthily and not drinking. We decided no take aways, which
is usually our weekend treat. And we didn't! But, I do feel like I ate
too much. Everything is mainly healthy, with the odd slice of bread too
many, a bit too much wine, but we thought that we'd enjoy the weekend!
I get up this morning and was feeling really good. Its been 12 days
since I was last sick, although let's face it, ED has been there trying
to tempt me, but due to my strong state of mind at the moment, I was
able to beat him out of my mind! I think that's another point to me
right?! But hang on, why am I feeling so crappy at the moment then? Oh
that's right! Because I weighed myself! Damn you scales! I was feeling
slim this morning, feeling ready to face this short week, and HE
appears. Why do I do it to myself? "Get rid of the scales" I hear a chorus
of readers shouting at me.
I've done that before. Got rid of about 10 sets of scales, only to find myself in Boots weighing myself, or Argos buying another set.
I've done that before. Got rid of about 10 sets of scales, only to find myself in Boots weighing myself, or Argos buying another set.
Scales are the strangest thing to someone with an eating disorder. They
can be your best friend, or your worst enemy. Now most people reading
this will think 'that doesn't just apply to someone with an eating
disorder' No, you're right, but with ED its not 'just a bit of a bumma'
you've put on 2lbs in a week due to over indulging, its not a case of
'oh shit, I'll just have to make up for this week, maybe walk to the
station instead of taking the bus'. For me, its like I've just been told
I've put 2 stone on overnight! My whole mood can change in the 2
seconds it takes for my new weight to flash up. Do you know what, this
morning's weight wasn't even that much more. It was 6 oz. Yes, 6 measly
ozs. And after the long weekend of a bit too much, I should be pleased
right?
But ED is there offering his take on things! 'Monday to Friday last week, you were so good, a couple of glasses of wine on Friday, a total of about an hour and half on the exercise bike through the week, together with your physical job of walking, and you still manage to put weight on'
Its here that I have to remind myself that if I'd eaten crap all of last week, drank all week, and indulged in those take aways and treats, I'd probably be 3lbs heavier this morning!
As you can see, I sway between total irrational thoughts and being realistic. This proves that ED is still present, but that somewhere in my mind, it means that I know that ED is wrong.
The irrational thoughts sometimes take over though. So this weighing session could spark off a binge, it could start off a week of surviving on redbull, but mostly it sparks off the need to prove those scales wrong. Some of the array of arguments I post to ED when he's unhappy with my weight. 'Well, I did eat quite a bit late last night, so that probably didn't digest in time for me to poo out this morning' 'I drank a cup of tea before weighing myself, that must be at least 2lbs of liquid right there' 'My pyjamas must weigh 3lbs'
ED: 'prove it'
This leads to a series of events. Stripping off my pyjamas and weighing myself again, weighing my pyjamas. Well, the scales must be broke or something, as they weigh practically nothing, Pouring out a fresh cup of tea and weighing that. I must have had 2 cups and forgot. Going to the toilet again, and re-weighing. This isn't always straight away, as I obviously can't make myself poo, so until then, I don't eat or drink, just to make the experiment totally accurate.
Any doctor will tell you to weigh yourself once a week, at the same time, wearing the same sort of clothes. ED tells me to weigh in at least 2 times a day. With all of the above goings on, I've weighed myself 8-10 times in a day. My weight going up and down by 0-3lbs. I ignore the higher weights, and only note down the lower weights. Not exactly accurate right? Not that healthy either!
This doesn't happen everyday, but it happens more often than I like to think of. It happens a lot less when my mind is healthy too!
Its not just weight that can ruin my day. Its clothes. Now I know all girls, women and even men have a 'I have nothing to wear' day every now and then. I have them a lot. But for me, its like 'How on earth did you wear this last week, you are much too fat for this dress' 'Oh my God, you are enormous' 'That colour does nothing for your large arse'
This can go on for ages. By the time I've found something to wear, I'm so pissed off that I don't even want to go out. On a day like this, I usually end up wearing one of my 'safe' outfits. A maxi dress that hides my bulk, a big cardy to cover all of my fat bits, a big jumper to hide under, you get the picture?
Yet tomorrow I get up, and that dress that made me look fat yesterday, is now my favourite dress and I look great! These are my Kate Moss days. Where I feel gorgeous! I won't name which celeb I feel like when I'm having a fat day, just in case they read this and I offend them! Of course celebs will read my blog - ha ha... yeah right!
But ED is there offering his take on things! 'Monday to Friday last week, you were so good, a couple of glasses of wine on Friday, a total of about an hour and half on the exercise bike through the week, together with your physical job of walking, and you still manage to put weight on'
Its here that I have to remind myself that if I'd eaten crap all of last week, drank all week, and indulged in those take aways and treats, I'd probably be 3lbs heavier this morning!
As you can see, I sway between total irrational thoughts and being realistic. This proves that ED is still present, but that somewhere in my mind, it means that I know that ED is wrong.
The irrational thoughts sometimes take over though. So this weighing session could spark off a binge, it could start off a week of surviving on redbull, but mostly it sparks off the need to prove those scales wrong. Some of the array of arguments I post to ED when he's unhappy with my weight. 'Well, I did eat quite a bit late last night, so that probably didn't digest in time for me to poo out this morning' 'I drank a cup of tea before weighing myself, that must be at least 2lbs of liquid right there' 'My pyjamas must weigh 3lbs'
ED: 'prove it'
This leads to a series of events. Stripping off my pyjamas and weighing myself again, weighing my pyjamas. Well, the scales must be broke or something, as they weigh practically nothing, Pouring out a fresh cup of tea and weighing that. I must have had 2 cups and forgot. Going to the toilet again, and re-weighing. This isn't always straight away, as I obviously can't make myself poo, so until then, I don't eat or drink, just to make the experiment totally accurate.
Any doctor will tell you to weigh yourself once a week, at the same time, wearing the same sort of clothes. ED tells me to weigh in at least 2 times a day. With all of the above goings on, I've weighed myself 8-10 times in a day. My weight going up and down by 0-3lbs. I ignore the higher weights, and only note down the lower weights. Not exactly accurate right? Not that healthy either!
This doesn't happen everyday, but it happens more often than I like to think of. It happens a lot less when my mind is healthy too!
Its not just weight that can ruin my day. Its clothes. Now I know all girls, women and even men have a 'I have nothing to wear' day every now and then. I have them a lot. But for me, its like 'How on earth did you wear this last week, you are much too fat for this dress' 'Oh my God, you are enormous' 'That colour does nothing for your large arse'
This can go on for ages. By the time I've found something to wear, I'm so pissed off that I don't even want to go out. On a day like this, I usually end up wearing one of my 'safe' outfits. A maxi dress that hides my bulk, a big cardy to cover all of my fat bits, a big jumper to hide under, you get the picture?
Yet tomorrow I get up, and that dress that made me look fat yesterday, is now my favourite dress and I look great! These are my Kate Moss days. Where I feel gorgeous! I won't name which celeb I feel like when I'm having a fat day, just in case they read this and I offend them! Of course celebs will read my blog - ha ha... yeah right!
Anyway, i've decided to put the scales out of reach for now. I'll ask Steve to hide them tonight, so that I can have a few days of respite from the evil morning weigh in. As much as I have really good days at the moment, and ED is not so strong, the scales will always hold a certain amount of power over my mind.
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