Food, Food, everywhere!

When ED is present, everything is about food, weight and more food! It's like every single advert on the tele is directed at me - McDonalds, KFC, Dominoes, Slimming World, Weight Watchers, M&S food. And ED, well of course, he's the director. When I'm at work and driving along, every single bus stop has a poster that is directed to me. EAT ME, EAT ME! 'Go on, get a Burger King. It's fine, you can be sick as soon as you've eaten it!' And believe me, I have given into those temptations many, many times! And every single time, I vow it's the last time!

In my early days of Bulimia, I really thought that I could control when I stopped. I always thought that I was just using it as a way to maintain my weight, loose a few lbs before a holiday, wedding, party etc. It's such a strange illness, as ED makes you feel like you could never live without him. Like a abusive partner telling his beaten wife that she's not good enough for anyone else, and it's her fault she's being beaten. But then profusely apologising and saying that they will not ever do it again!  That's what ED does. He talks down to me, makes me feel ugly and fat, that i'm no better than a being a dumbass Bulimic! My self esteem gets crushed down, and so I give in and find myself binging, then purging. After, I vow that i'll never ever do it again! If only!

You know when you're on a diet, and all you can think about is how hungry you are? All you fancy is all of the naughty foods that you're not meant to be eating? My whole life feels like it's been a continuous diet where I just want the naughty foods. And with Bulimia, I have binged on these foods. A lot. 

 I've said before, I have done every diet in the book. I think I've been on a diet everyday since I was about 11. Looking back at photos, I wasn't even a chubby kid, just a run of the mill child. But I always felt fat. I always felt like I needed to loose weight, hated my body and constantly compared to myself to those around me, including friends and family, but mainly to what the media as perceives as perfection. Constantly fighting to get into the right size outfit, cursing my height, because if I were 3inches taller, I'd look slimmer.
I hated that I developed boobs at the young age of 9. I was in a proper bra and I wasn't even out of primary school yet. All of my girl friends thought it was cool, wished they could have a bra, but for me, it was just something that made me stand out from everyone else. I had lumps and I just thought that they made me look fat.

Anyway, getting back to food.
I actually love food. Eating and drinking is one of my favourite things to do. Entertaining people is when I'm in my element. Cooking gorgeous food for people and enjoying their reaction to it. I don't give myself too many compliments, but I can cook! And I think its because I have a passion for it. I'm not nervous with mixing flavours, trying new things, and even though I get slightly apprehensive that the receiver of my food won't like it as much as I'd hoped that they would, that's just part of who I am.
It probably sounds weird that someone would throw up perfectly good food even though they'd enjoyed it so much. Sometimes I think that's the problem though. I enjoy food so much that I don't want to stop eating. I get that full up feeling where you don't think you can finish the meal, but then ED switches on, and its like I get to have my cake and eat it, if you pardon the pun. I get to eat it all, because its so good, but not have to suffer the horrid full up, can't move, feel like you need a sleep bit!
But let me tell you, there is a difference between over eating and binging. Over eating is just that. Eating too much. Maybe 1 too many slices of bread with your dinner, having an extra portion after you've finished dinner even though you are full up.
Binging is a totally different thing. Its like there isn't enough food in the world to fill you up. I've had competitions in my own head before, challenging me to eat more than I did the last time I binged. 3 McDonalds meals in 1 sitting. 18 slices of bread, a whole quiche, sausage rolls, pitta breads...can you see a pattern here. Its mainly carbs. All of things that we've all grown up to 'think' are the bad food group. But let me tell you, no food group is bad. We need them all. Fats, carbs, protein, etc. That's why any diet where you cut one group out will never work, because your body actually craves it, needs it to function properly. Oh yeah, I know everything there is to know about nutrition. This ties in with doing every diet, and eventually getting obsessed with that diet! And having seen a dietitian once a week in my Crazy Lady Priory days! I know it all, well a lot anyway, but putting that useful, sensible knowledge to use, I let ED convince me that's its all crap!

Getting back to the present, its 14th June 2012 today, and I'm 3 weeks behaviour free, wohooo! But I have to say, its been an up and down week. Times where what I'm eating isn't really an issue, but times where I'm all consumed with food. Again, its the posters at Bus Stops advertising the latest meal deal at KFC, smelling fish and chips when I pick Amelie up from school and all I can think of is how hungry I am, and today, walking around the supermarket and looking at all of the foods that I've binged on in the past. 
Even though ED isn't always in control, he's always lurking in the background. Always there with his opinion of how I look, what I should eat, how much I should eat.
As I get stronger in mind, I find it easier to ignore ED a lot more. But it's a constant battle, and even at my healthiest time (in mind), I still had daily visits from him.

At the moment, i'm a really good place. I'm eating healthy, allowing myself treats and basically getting on with life. My therapy is doing me the world of good and i'm learning so much! I'm understanding where this behaviour has come from. I won't bore you with my therapy details, as it's very personal and very raw. I may delve into at times, but for the moment, lets just say that i'm digging up a lot of old crap and sorting it out.

For anyone who hasn't had therapy, let me tell you what's it's like. Its all about me. I don't think of myself as a selfish person, but my therapy is all for me. An hour of talking about what I want to talk about. Focus on how I feel. I'm not someones child, someones friend, i'm not a Mum, a wife or an employee. I'm Louise, and I can spend the entire session talking about what makes me happy, sad, what I want from life, what I want to achieve in the 20 sessions that I have. And it's great.
Don't get me wrong, it's bloody hard work. I always wear waterproof mascara on therapy days, as I know, chances are, I will have a cry about something or another. Sometimes I cry because i'm so happy, and I've had a brilliant week and feel so positive. Sometimes I cry because the memory that i'm talking about that particular session is very upsetting. Or thinking about how I got into this mess in the beginning, wanting more for my own daughter, and feeling upset that one day she's going to know that her Mum has a problem, and wandering if she'll follow in my footsteps. I've been told it's not hereditary or even learnt behaviour, but it still scares me everyday that Amelie might have to deal with this shit too. This is why I got help in the beginning.

Writing this blog has also been a huge therapy for me. The reason I started to write about it, was basically because of how I felt when I came out of my 1st therapy session about a month ago. I felt dreadful. I was confused, upset and just thought 'this is the worst I have ever felt'. Believe me, it wasn't. I read my old diary from when I was in the Priory. From my sessions back then, 4 years ago. And I realised how bad I was then. How low I got, how I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders! And it made me realise that I didn't always feel like that, and eventually, i'll have more good days than bad days. So I started to write a diary again, just so that I can look back and see how far i've come this time too!
That then turned into deciding that I wanted to let you read my thoughts. A very brave move, considering what i've told you so far. Very, very personal details of my life. Some that I know people will wonder why i've dug so deep in such a public way. My reason.... I want people, you, to understand how my mind works. And not just mine. Millions of other people out there who are suffering with Bulimia, Anorexia, Over eating. And many more mental illnesses. I've had the most amazing response to this blog, and it's blown me away. I've had messages from complete strangers congratulating me, telling me how inspiring I am to be so honest. People admitting to me that they too have a problem, sometimes not an eating disorder, but depression, too much booze etc. If i've helped a handful of people in sharing my experiences, then that's all that matters. It sort of means that my Eating Disorder wasn't in vain.

And for all of the messages that I have received, thank you so much. It means so much to me that you are following my story with interest, intrigue and learning about this very secret illness. And I really hope that i'm taking the stigma away from it too. It's not embarrassing, it's not disgusting, it's an illness.
All of your messages, tweets and texts have spurred me on to keep going. You are helping me through this shitty time, just by reading it. And I will continue to blog until i've bored you to tears, told you every aspect of the illness and how it effects my life. So stay tuned! Chapter 7 is on it's on way!  x