Jubilee weekend!

1st June 2013

So it's the Jubilee weekend this weekend, and i'm feeling really patriotic. I am going to buy some flags later today and hang them up outside the house and Amelie is most excited!
But having been really good foodwise/alcohol this week, i'm a little anxious about ruining it all over the weekend. We've decided not to get any take aways, and i'm going food shopping in a bit to get in some lovely food to make sure we don't break and order a chinese. Problem is, it's a 4 day weekend, and i'm wondering how I will be with trying not to overeat! But Steve is also trying to loose some weight, and he's very determined, so he's there to keep me propped up eh?

For some reason, i'm having a 'fat' day today. Even though i've been sticking to my food plan this week, doing lots of exercise etc, I just feel enourmous! Like I need to be craned out of my house! God knows why my brain does this to me! Maybe the thai meal I had last night out with Kristel and Jessica didn't help! But without ED having his say here, I didn't overeat. In fact, I think I was very controlled considering the food was so God damn lovely! I can't wait to get home from work already, just so that I can have a bath, exfoliate and put on my PJs. For some reason, exfoliating and taking off all of my make up/jewellery etc makes me feel all new again! Weirdo I know.

The 1st time (this contains lots of details of my actual habits)
 The 1st time I was sick, I was 16. I hadn't intended on doing it, and when I got the 'urge to purge', it was a very strange feeling. Me and my then boyfriend Rob were in doors one day. I think that I may have bunked off school, and he off work. We had just had a day of watching films and being lazy, and we decided to order a pizza. Papa Johns. They had this deal mid week, Buy One Get One Free! I'm sure you've heard of the deal a million times! So we decide to have a pizza eating contest. A pizza each. An extra large pizza each. Ok, let me paint you a picture here. I was 16, I'm 5ft 3, I probably weighed about 10 stone and was a size 10-12. My boyfriend was 6ft 3, and let's face it, a man. This isn't the 1st time I'd had a pizza eating contest, to which my brother and sister will confirm. But this was the 1st time I'd eaten this much pizza. And I done it! I felt ill. Not just full up, I felt like I was going to explode. For an hour or so I lay there, feeling utterly disgusted at myself, so I take myself upto the bathroom and try to poo. Nothing. I pace the bathroom wondering how I'm going to stop myself feeling like this, and then have a flashback of a film I'd watched with this young gymnast who turned to bulimia when her coach told her she was too overweight (I think she was about 7 stone). I get down on my knees and open the toilet, my mind is racing 'what the hell are you doing?' Let me now introduce you to ED. 'Go on Girl, just stick your fingers down your throat, its easy. Then you'll feel better'
I didn't know this was ED at the time, it took me a few years to get completely acquainted with him.
I lean over, stick my fingers down my throat and heave. A big loud heave! My face shoots with bright red embarrassment. What if Rob could hear me from downstairs. I listen for footsteps...nothing, just the mumble of a film downstairs. I try again. This time, I feel the stirrings of something rising, but its stuck. I lean my head over the bathroom tap and drink greedily from it. 3rd go lucky, I heave and up comes some pizza. I keep going until my body is exhausted, my face bright red and my stomach...empty.
Rob obviously curious as to why I was gone so long asks if I'm ok. I lie and tell him I think I've got a bug as I was just really sick - already making the excuse just in case he'd heard me. He hadn't!

I felt great! I felt exactly how that bulimic gymnast had described how she'd felt. I got to eat what I want, and not have the guilt! And I was probably going to loose some weight! I did, a lot. I started making a habit out of it. Overeating on purpose and then sneaking off to the toilet to empty myself. Everytime I did it, it got easier, and the easier it got, the more I wanted to do it.
Within a couple of years, I was secretly bingeing. Buying high fat foods on my way home from school and having a party of my own. I knew it wasn't right, but I had this secret thing, that no-one knew about, and I was really good at it! Ok, let me point out here, that this is EDs words! I didn't know how utterly hypnotised I was by him already. I thought that I could stop whenever I wanted to. And I didn't want to just yet! I wanted to loose more weight, then I'd stop! I promised myself! ED had other ideas!

My relationship with Rob was my 1st, and I loved him, he was my 1st love and I had a fabulous time with him, but it was also quite bad for me at the same time. I was with him all of the time, him and his friends, who all became my friends, but they were all big blokes. And 3-5 years older than me. I tried to keep up with the lifestyle of a 6ft 5, 20 year old man. All day drinking sessions, late night curries, hangover cure fry ups. I was 18, and I was drinking everyday... a lot. Wine, alcopops, shots, beer, whatever was going! The lads called me Lenny, coz I could keep up with them. I could drink and eat like a man. I could beat some in eating competitions. Little did they know I was being sick throughout the day to try to get some of the alcohol and most of the food out of my system! And it meant I could stay out all day! I've never done drugs....this was my drug. My secret drug.

I didn't realise how out of control my life had become until I ended up in hospital having taken an overdose. I didn't want to kill myself. I wanted Rob to start taking notice of me as his girlfriend, and not as one of the lads. I wanted my family to worry about me, because as far as I was concerned, they were all off living their own lives and couldn't give me a shit about me. In fact, they did give me a shit about me, but all had their own problems and lives going on
. As soon as I took the pills (about 18 I think), I regretted it. A friend of Rob's took me to the hospital and I was left to get over the world's worst hangover! And the complete and utter shame I had brought on myself. I wasn't happy in my life, but I certainly didn't want to be dead!

A few months later my relationship came to an end with Rob, and I met this lovely bloke whilst at work. He was the courier guy and I see him everyday at work. He was lovely and soon enough I asked him out. This lovely man, is the man who I'm married to now, my gorgeous and wonderful Steve!

ED didn't like Steve! Really didn't like him, coz I stopped listening to his words, I stopped being sick, and gradually, I started thinking like a normal person. ED felt like a distant memory for about a year! I'd have the odd fling with him if I was too full up, but ED didn't dominate my brain anymore. Until..... I went shopping as I needed new clothes. I knew that I'd put on a bit of weight, but I was still convinced I could squeeze into a size 12. I couldn't! I couldn't squeeze into a size 14. I tried a size 16, and bang...they fitted, but BANG, ED was in the changing room with me, and THOSE size 16 trousers. He laughed at me, mocked me and told me that because I'd left him behind, this was my punishment!
I cut the label out of them trousers as soon as I got home. I was disgusted at myself! I'd let myself go!

A wave of strength came over me after that, and I vowed that ED wouldn't be coming back as easy as that. So I joined Weight Watchers with my friend Cat from work. I followed the plan, and I lost all of the weight I wanted to! Keeping it off though..., ah, that's when I let ED sneak back in. I was getting married afterall, so thought that a few months with a little help wouldn't be so bad....wrong. I thought that it was my decision to let him back in, it wasn't! He was back with avengence. I wasn't just purging what I'd eaten, I was deliberately bingeing, everyday, lot! I was using laxatives again, I was spending money I didn't really have, on food! I knew that I had lost control, but was too scared to do anything about it!

"How do I stop????" ED: "YOU CAN'T!"

I will stop. And I did, for a week or 2, then he was back.

From what I've learned, an eating disorder doesn't just disappear, you have to work hard to get rid of it! And everything that I'd read about recovery said that I'd have to tell my doctor, my husband, my family! NO WAY, they would kill me, they would be disgusted with me for lying for so long. Looking back, I couldn't have been more wrong! But I'll go more into detail about my recovery later!

This is my journey through Bulimia - i'm sure that everyone is different and has their own demons. For me, ED was always there, and still is. Even when I thought he wasn't - he was! He controlled every thought I had about food, exercise, calorie content and anything that involved putting on or loosing weight.
In some of what i've written above, it seems like I enjoyed having ED in my life. I got to loose weight right? WRONG! I hated every second of it, and if at any moment I could go back and drag myself out of that abusive relationship - I would. Oh, and the myth that I would loose weight by throwing up food - that's exactly what it was! A myth. Calories are consumed on the way in - something I found out during my first stint of therapy! And I was usually consuming 2 times the amount that I should, hence my weight gain! 

Just to remind myself here, as I end this chapter - ED can be beaten - I have beaten him once, and I will beat him again.
When I first 'came clean' about my condition in 2008, I counted every single hour that i'd gone without being sick, and it helped me through my recovery. I counted every single day, and before I knew it, it turned to months, then years.
This time round, it's been a lot harder to 'go cold turkey', but at the moment, i'm 7 days behaviour free. Behaviour is the act of an eating disorder (bingeing, purging, restricting etc). I've done 7 days without being sick, and i'm very proud of myself.
I'm now off to have a lovely romantic night with my husband and start the Julibee weekend!