Coming Clean!

For anyone who has demons to fight, admitting these things to yourself is the hardest part of the start of your journey into recovery. It could be depression, drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling.. Whatever it is, its hard to admit to yourself! I hid from my demons for over 10 years! Maybe more! I was conscience of the problem, but ignoring it is always the easier option...but not in the end, because that issue just gets bigger and bigger. You stick your head in the sand for long enough and soon enough you'll suffocate! I was at suffocation stage in 2008!

2008 started off the best year of my life! On 13th January, I gave birth to my long awaited baby girl. It was the proudest and most loving feeling I have ever had! Amelie came along and made this huge impact on my life! She changed the dynamics of my outlook on life. Even before she was here, she changed me. From the day I found out I was pregnant, ED left me. No arguments, he literally just upped and left! My body was no longer up for abuse, I was the keeper of my little bundle of joy, my little Tarquin, which was the name we referred to Amelie as the whole time I was pregnant!

During my pregnancy however, I felt completely out of control of my body. I was growing by the day, and my appetite was huge! It was the 1st time in my whole life that I ate and ate and didn't feel guilty, didn't have the urge to get rid. But on occasions when I'd weigh in, and see a few gained lbs, turn to 5 stone, I did feel pissed off with myself that I'd let myself gain so much weight. But hey, I'm pregnant! Oh well. I guess ED may have had a little role in these thoughts, but I think it was mainly of a young woman who just put on a little too much weight.

Going back to Amelie. She arrived, and I basked in my new found happiness! It was honestly the best time of my life.
I gave myself a week after having had Amelie to just eat whatever I wanted, and to start to reign my diet in after that. It worked, for a while. I started to loose weight, but it was too slow. And my body shape had changed. I had this droopy, stretch mark laden belly. Now, even at my slimmest, I've never had a super model belly, but this disgusted me. I didn't even want Steve to look at it.

Soon enough I started laxatives again. I don't remember being sick for the 1st time after having Amelie, but I do remember that as soon as I done it, that it was it, and I was hooked again! I went from 15st 9lbs (at 42 weeks pregnant), down to about 11 stone in about 3 months. That's a lot of weight to loose.
I remember feeling this weird nagging in my head that wasn't me and wasn't ED, it was what I became to know as recovery looming. Up till this point, I always I had a problem, but it was only now that I was serious about stopping it.
But hang on, we've got a holiday coming up in June, our 1st as a family. I can't tell Steve about this now, it'll ruin our holiday, besides, I'd like to be a few lbs lighter before we go anyway! I'll come clean after we get back! Another excuse!

All of this time, I was still so blissfully happy in my new role as Mum, but the EDness was always lurking.


As most people will know, I was a member of an online forum for a long time. When Steve and I decided to start trying for a baby, I joined an Actively trying forum of which we were on for a year. Then when we got a glorious news of pregnancy, moving onto the January 2008 forum, for this was when Amelie was due to be born. This forum was Babycenter! Now, I don't know if I would have ever come clean about my eating disorder if it wasn't for this website! That is the honest truth. Well, I probably would have done, but not at that time!

I joined the January 2008 Birth Board in 2007 and become friends with hundreds of strangers. We shared our happy stories of pregnancy, our woes of morning sickness, strange things happening to our bodies, and it was the most open way I had ever spoken to strangers about such personal things. They were faceless people. And all from different walks of life. You'd always find someone to relate to you, or help you. Now, we all chatted everyday, sometimes, all day.... Hope my ex boss isn't reading this! Woops.
So as you can see, we all grew really close.
Our pregnancy stories turned into birth stories, which then turned into baby stories, sharing tips, asking for advice, or just going on for a moan because you hadn't slept for 3 days!
This is where my recovery began. By this stage, I had returned to work. Leaving my baby at only 6 months old! This caused another bout of self abuse...starvation for days on end. Surviving on diet coke! Yes, DIET coke!
I was at work, in my role as a PA at JP Morgan, it was a particularly quiet day in the office, so I flicked over to Babycenter. A discussion about loosing baby weight looked like a very popular thread, so I started reading through the posts. Everyone was sharing their tips on weight loss, toning up, struggling with weight loss, struggling with 'old behaviours'.... oh, hang on, what's that? Old behaviours? Of what? One of the girls used to have an eating disorder, Bulimia! I read and read about this woman who was struggling with trying not to starve herself, or was eating, but was being sick for fear of not loosing her baby weight.

I'M NOT ALONE!

As I sat there reading this woman's description of hating this illness which looked like it might be returning after years of being in recovery, I began to cry. She was talking to openly about it, on a public forum. I envied her for being so honest! I hated myself for being such a liar.
I didn't post on that particular thread. I just read with interest.

I spent the rest of the day in a bit of a haze! What if I could one day come clean and not be haunted by this evil ED! I could be that lady on Babycenter who reached out and help someone else!

At this stage, I was being sick upto 10 times a day. I'd have a cup of tea, and throw that up. I was consuming around 4000 calories a day I'd estimate, and thinking I'd thrown them all up. I wasn't loosing weight, but staying the same! As I said before, calories are consumed on the way in! I was probably only getting rid of about half of what I was eating, hence the stagnant weight!
I was miserable, my face was bloated, I had cracked blood vessels in my face, my throat constantly sore, I had hemorrhoids from the laxative abuse, I couldn't go anywhere, do anything without thinking about food!

I went home and sat at the computer and composed a private message to this woman. A message of complete honesty, my 1st and most courageous moment in the start of my recovery! I spilled my heart out to this stranger, told her everything. I don't remember what I wrote, but it was probably a mass of jumbled sentences. I cried the whole time I wrote it!

SEND

WAIT
WAIT
WAIT
WAIT

Ping!
By this stage, I was pacing my house, I was a wreck. Steve wasn't yet home from work, and Amelie was napping. I was in bits. I opened this message expecting a mass of abuse, 'how dare you jump on my band wagon'!
I got the best message ever. I don't remember what this message said in detail, but I do remember that this woman reassured me that I was not alone, that I was not doing anything wrong, I had an illness and that with the right help, I'd get over it! She congratulated me on being so brave! Brave? Me? Really?

I was shaking, but this time, with elation! I could get better! I wasn't this liar that ED had made me out to be. I wasn't disgusting, I wasn't shameful, I was ill.

We messaged each other a few times, and I just felt amazing. I wanted to reach into the computer and kiss her! If she's reading this blog, she'll know who she is, but I don't think she'll know how eternally grateful I will always be to her!

After that, I had to pluck the courage up to tell Steve. How would he react? Would he be angry with me for lying for so long? Would he be disgusted with me?
I kept imagining myself telling him, and just couldn't imagine any situation other than him being angry.
I couldn't do this!

One day, I sat and wrote a letter, not to Steve, but just to whoever. A massive confession of what I'd been dealing with for 10 years. How alone I felt, how depressed I was getting. I never had any intention of giving this letter to Steve. How could I confess to such a huge thing in a letter? No way. I would tell Steve, I would sit down with him one day and tell him everything.

The days ticked by, and ED was getting more and more aggressive. He must have known that I was about to give him the boot, so he put me through the mill. I was surviving on practically no food, when I did eat, only eating half of what I'd dished up. My weight dropped by another stone or so.
Steve kept asking what was wrong, I'd sunk to a new depth of depression. I blamed it on having to be back at work and struggling with being away from Amelie. He was brilliant! He cuddled me when I needed it, and stayed clear when I needed space!

The day came when enough was enough.
25th August 2008! Bank Holiday Monday. Steve had been out to work that morning and I decided that today was the day. I was going to tell him.

He walked into the livingroom where I sat on the sofa, shaking like a leaf! Amelie was asleep. Steve's 1st reaction was that of worry. 'What's wrong?'
I couldn't talk. I began to hyper ventilate. I was hysterical. Steve was getting more and more worried. I handed him the letter. There was no way I could talk, let alone confess!

I watched at his eyes read this letter. The confusion in his face, the scared look he gave me. All I kept saying was 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry' over and over. Steve stopped after what felt like an hour and cuddled me! He asked me why I was saying sorry. I said that I had been lying to him for so long and how could he ever forgive me.

'Louise, you have nothing to be sorry about, you are ill'

This was the best thing he could have ever said.
He said that he didn't understand, but that he'd help me as much as he could.
We talked for hours, I explained a few things, he asked questions and Steve learned a lot about my secret life!
He was angry at himself for not knowing, for never catching me, for not seeing any signs.
I was angry at myself! Steve is the most amazing man in the whole world, and here he was blaming himself.

The week went on to be really hard. I called into work sick as I was not in a very good place at all.
I made an appointment with my doctor, and on the Thursday of that week, Steve came with me to see him. It was very hard work. I had to say the words out loud! I have an eating disorder!
My doctor was amazing. Steve was amazing. I was assured that I'd done the right thing and that I would get better! I was prescribed Citalapram (an anti depressant), and referred to The Priory. I was very lucky to have private healthcare! Very lucky!

Then I had to make the call to the EDU (Eating Disorder Unit) at The Priory. They are obviously very used to dealing with such sensitive cases, and asked me lots of questions that I only had to give yes/no answers to.
I had an appointment within about 2 weeks to see a Psychiatrist!

The next 2 weeks were a hard slog! I was like a zombie. I didn't realise that I was having quite a bad reaction to the Citalapram, and just felt like I was drifting in and out of work, zoning out, and sinking further into a haze!

In this time, I told my family. I told my sister 1st. Kristel is the closest thing to me, and she also knew something was up with me. So I told her. All of the time, shaking and wondering if she was going to turn her back on me for lying for so long! I couldn't have been more wrong! She grabbed me and cuddled me so hard, whilst crying with me. She also felt angry at herself for not picking up on it. We talked for an hour or so whilst sat in my car and again, I answered questions and explained things.

I couldn't tell my Dad myself. I just thought that he'd be so disappointed in me. Kristel was kind enough to do that job for me!
And I received a phonecall later from Dad assuring me that I'd done the right thing! He was so caring and said all of the right things to make me feel better!
I think that I found it so hard to tell my Dad as I look upto him so much, I want to please him, and the thought of making him feel angry towards me, or feeling like I'd broke his trust. I was wrong! He supported me loads.

It was important for me to tell my friends and family, as I knew that this was going to be a hard time and that I was going to need support. And I didn't get one bad comment. No accusations of being a nasty, disgusting person, no withdrawal of friendship or loyalty that I'd expected. Just support.
As I've gone through my recovery, I have always had to be open about it. I spent 10 years being ashamed of myself, being secretive, lying to my friends and family! I needed to begin my new life in recovery as an honest person! And that's helped me no end! I can't tell you how much! As I'm on my 1st relapse at the moment, if I wasn't open about it, I could have gone another 10 years in this relapse, luckily I only went a month or 2 before reaching out for help!

I'll talk about my journey through recovery later, the purpose of this chapter is to let you know the state of mind I was at with ED in the lead up to 'coming clean' The low state of mind I was at, the depression that came with it!
It was no easy thing to admit to Bulimia, but the 2nd that I said those words, it was like I had taken off these blinkers I was wearing. I could see! And it was the greatest thing I ever done! Not including marrying my husband or having Amelie!

Now this is where I'm going to get soppy, and don't expect this to be the 1st and last time, as I will probably go on about it from time to time!
Without the support of my friends and family, I could never have got through this illness. I could never have got as far as I have, and I wonder what state I'd be in if it wasn't for all of those people who helped me! I'm not going to name names, as there are far too many, but from the girls on my Babycenter board, whom I still talk to daily and get support from them all of them time, My friends who I depend on to get me through the day sometimes just by sending me texts to cheer me up, entertaining me when I'm feeling the pull of ED and being there for me.
To my lovely family (all of them) who I couldn't wish for a better one to pick me off the floor when I'm down there, to support me on my crazy days, to help out with Amelie when I need you to, and to give me the confidence I need to beat ED out of my head!
Steve will no doubt have a whole chapter dedicated to him, but let's remind ourselves what a bloody brilliant bloke he really is! He's there come rain or shine, he's suffered with some pretty fucked up moods, some awful moments and deals on a daily basis with something that is so unpredictable! He must be a saint!

Today is 11th June 2012, and I've just had the best weekend ever on a spa break with my friends! I did nothing but relax, eat, drink and be merry! It was great! ED wasn't there at all.
I woke up today feeling crap! I didn't want to get up, it was raining cats and dogs, if you pardon the pun, as my job is to walk dogs and feed cats! All I wanted to do was stay in bed! I dragged my arse out of bed, got ready and went to work! I've been in a funny mood all day, and just thought it was post weekend blues.
Lunchtime, and all I want to do is eat comfort food to get me over my bad mood. But comfort food usually ends up with me bingeing and purging! I decided on a bacon and egg baguette as that's partially safe! Safe in comparison to the McDonalds I was craving!
I battled the entire time with ED on whether I was going to be sick or not! It was hard work given my mood! I won! Today I am 18 days behaviour free!

I've just had therapy and it was hard work today, but we made some good headway! I almost cancelled my session due to feeling so pissed off this morning, but knew that it was important that I go! I'm glad that I did!

Going out for a lovely meal with Steve and Amelie. I know that I ate a little too much over the weekend, but life is for enjoying, so I'm going to enjoy my meal out, not feel the ED guilt and carry on with my healthy eating tomorrow!