Getting healthy in mind and body!

Hello there, sorry its been a while since my last blog, I've been really busy with work and getting ready for my holiday!
I'm glad to report that I am still Binge and Purge free and I'm feeling really good. That's 47 days! Not without temptation of course!

As I've been writing this blog, I've been getting stronger and stronger and feeling so much healthier in mind. I am however still overweight, and together with my sister Kristel and Steve, who are monitoring me quite closely, and with the support from my lovely therapist, I've decided to start getting healthier in body too.
Now, before anyone thinks I'm on a strict diet, I'm not. Diet is not a word that I will use again, and restricting food groups is out of the question. I am simply taking care of myself and hoping to change the way that I look at food. Rather than thinking that carbs are bad for you for instance, I need to train myself that carbs are a source of energy, and I need energy to live. Rather than thinking that having a Chinese on a Friday night is going to have undone all of the hard work I have done all week, think of it as a treat and not to get up on Saturday morning and say 'oh well, I've fucked it up now, I may as well have a fry up, Mcdonalds etc', and just start again on Monday!

How many times have you had a bad day on the diet, and you say 'I'll get back on it on Monday'? I must have said that every single week for most of my life! And I know that I'm not alone!
But I think for me, I have it in my head that if I'm going to fall off the diet wagon, I may as well enjoy it, and before I know it, I'm pigging out!

I said that I'd done every diet in the book right? Well actually, I haven't. The one that I haven't done and the one that is the most effective is what I'm doing now, although we don't call it a diet. Its just healthy eating, and I have a realistic, albeit very small, goal in mind.
Who starts a diet and wants to loose at least 2-3lbs a week? Me!!!!!!
Do you know how much 3lbs is? Its a lot, and unless you're really overweight, which I don't consider myself to be, that's an unhealthy weight loss. Its taken me a long time to get my head round this, and some days I'm not totally convinced, but my aim is loose around 1/2 lb a week. This has been agreed with my therapist and she's happy with such a sensible goal.
I feel relieved actually, and I'm eating really well, still allowing myself what I want, but being sensible.
I have also cut the booze right down too, and I feel so much healthier. Cutting the booze down is not just for the healthy side of things, as I said earlier on in my blog, I was drinking too much!

I've been eating like this for a few weeks now, still enjoying a bacon sarnie on Sunday morning, home made pizza, jacket potatoes etc, and I'm about 3lbs down I think.
If I'm completely honest, I think, 'if I was doing Slimming World, I'd be at least half a stone down by now'. But I can't think like that.

I have to think about this long term and know that this is a change for life.
I'm not the sort of person who goes into a restaurant and orders a salad, or the baked salmon. When I go into a restaurant, I want the biggest, nicest thing on the menu, and this new way of eating, allows me to do that. Ok, maybe not the biggest thing on the menu, but you get my drift.

Let's say its 3 weeks that I've been eating like this, and I don't feel deprived of anything. I've had days out eating and drinking what I want, nights in with a cheeky glass of wine or 2, and I've still managed to loose a few lbs.
Why haven't I ever done this before?????

And I feel super healthy by the way!

My mind is getting healthier with this new way of thinking, but I think that there will always be part of it that's broken, and not sure how I can ever fix that part. Even with therapy!
The part of my brain that is somewhat warped, is the way I will bring up Amelie, and any other children I may have.
I am so scared that Amelie will grow up to have this same condition as me, that I actively don't say certain words in front her. I don't use the scales when she's in the room, I don't allow her to say certain things; ie, 'look at my big fat tummy' after eating a big meal.

Anorexia, Bulimia or any other eating disorder isn't hereditary, but it can be learnt behaviour. I talk from experience. I grew up with a bulimic step mum. I used to be able to hear her throwing up every meal, then when I questioned her about it, was told I was imagining things.
I'm sure that if you've read my blog so far, you'll know that listening to someone be sick, didn't lead me to become bulimic myself. Its a psychological illness caused by many factors. This contribution wasn't very helpful I admit!

But the way that the media portrays beauty these days, is a sight more scary than when I was a kid. Models of a size 4, celebs on the latest cabbage diet, thinspiration, pro anorexic websites, headlines with 'Obesity on the rise'. This leads into how I feel about Amelie growing up with these unrealistic images surrounding her, partnered with the fact that her Mum is a bulimic!

As I've said before, I always felt fat, even though I wasn't. I was a healthy child and I liked my food, including fruit and veg. My fear of Amelie growing up to think that she's fat, scare the crap out of me.

Now, Amelie is actually very petite, but the amount she eats is enough to feed a grown man! And a simple comment from Steve to Amelie, like 'I can't believe you ate all of that dinner, where did you put it all?' Sometimes sends me into an irrational spin!

I don't allow the use of the word Fat in front of her. Its like a swear word in our house. I don't ever talk myself down in front of her, because I want her to have a good self image, not the weird way I look at myself.
If Amelie ever catches Steve and I weighing ourselves (which isn't often), she always asks if she can get on the scales. This makes me wince! Even though I know its just a child wanting to copy her parents. She doesn't yet know what weight is!

I was speaking to my friend Jessica the other day about this, and asking if its normal to try to protect Amelie from such 'language', and she assured me that most parents talk to their children about weight. Most children will ask to be weighed, and its not such a bad thing. I guess the irrational side of me thinks that she'll end up like me!

So what is 'normal'?
I don't agree with children being overweight, and by overweight, I mean obese, greedy, eating fried food everyday. So when I see these items come on Daybreak for instance, and a poor 8 year old child, who weighs 12 stone is put on a strict diet, I cringe!
How do people let their children get that overweight, then put them through the turmoil of going on a diet? And displaying it on national television! In my opinion, that's asking for trouble.

I know that children have different size appetites, different metabolisms etc, but just being sensible with them is the start right? There are ways of helping your child loose weight, other than putting them on a strict diet!

I was about 12 and my step Mum told me that I had started to put weight on, and I needed to be careful now that I was becoming a woman. I had to start watching what I ate.
Honestly, I was mortified! And do you know what I did, I went on the equivalent of The Duken Diet, although a lot less healthy than The Duken Diet!
My diet consisted of
Breakfast - Scrambled eggs (no milk, cheese or salt, just added water)
Lunchtime - grilled chicken and a boiled egg.
Dinner - Steak and poached eggs.
No vegetables, no snacks, no nothing, except protein!

I was 12 for God's sake!!!! How the hell did that stupid woman let me do that diet!? I lasted 4 days before feeling like I would simply faint! I lost 9lbs! In 4 days!

Do you know how long it took me to put 9lbs back on? 2 days!!!!!!!
What a waste! And how unhealthy?????

I'd just like to point out here, that my Dad was away travelling, and my big sister had probably been given the same talk and was doing the same diet!

Obviously this is the extreme of unhealthy teaching in diet to your child, and not something that I hope any child has to go through, but I ask again, what is normal? Because I don't know! Hopefully by the end of my treatment, and over the years of normal behaviour around food, will teach me to relax with how I am with Amelie, and feel more comfortable with these things.
I will also be honest with her, when the time comes, and I feel she's old enough to understand. I'll tell her about my condition and hopefully have the tools to educate her enough to not follow in my footsteps!

Anyway, I'm off on holiday with Steve, Amelie, sister Kristel and brother in law James tomorrow, and guess who isn't invited? ED.
Actually, ED seems to gone on holiday himself lately. I think he got fed up with waiting for me to break! I'm not stupid enough to think he's gone too far, as he must have concord or something, as I know the second I falter, he'll be there with his arms open wide!
This is something I need to keep in check, keep my eye on, and not get too complacent with being 'ED free', because one simple thing can throw me over the edge. It might be tomorrow, it might be in 3 weeks time, or it could be in 6 years time. Hopefully never, but this isn't something I take for granted, not anymore. And with this new healthy body, healthy mind attitude, I grow stronger!