Long time no write!
I've been on holiday and had a fabulous time! Went to The Lake District with Stevo, Amelie, Kristel and James (bro in law), and we had a brilliant time!
I made the decision before I went that I was going to enjoy myself, and not think too much about food and putting weight on, which is usually a massive problem for me!
The path that usually leads upto a holiday is to diet like mad in the weeks before, take ridiculous amounts of laxatives, starve myself when possible, and throw up when I did eat, just to achieve a weight loss before going away. Then holiday would usually be over eating and being sick when I can!
I have obviously turned a corner, as this holiday was different!
As I wrote in my last blog, I had started on a new healthy eating and healthy thinking way of life. As I mentioned, I had a very gentle loss of a few lbs over a few weeks, which was my aim. But this wasn't about loosing weight for my holiday, this just happened to coincide with that.
I went away with only one thing on my mind. Have a bloody brilliant holiday.
I ate, I drank, I ate some more (including gorgeous handmade chocolate fudge) and didn't think about weight!
I had one moment when I said to Kristel that I felt big, but it was after a particularly heavy night on the wine the night before. But don't most people have those days? I still wonder what's normal thinking and what's ED thinking. Kristel assured me that she felt big too, so it must have been normal.
I expected to have put some weight on. But instead of that thought sending me out of control on a week of starvation, ridiculously trying to make up for the good time I had, therefore making me miserable, I was sensible.
I weighed myself this morning, and yeah I've gained a few lbs, but I had a damn good time doing it, so up yours ED! Stick that in your pipe and smoke it!
I am still binge/purge free! Funnily enough I have just had to work out how many days it is. Its 60 days. That's 2 months! Sitting back and thinking about it, 2 months has gone so quickly, and my mental state of mind has noticeably changed for the better.
I know that I've spoken about therapy, but I can't reiterate to you how helpful it is for someone with problems. Just to be able to talk to someone who doesn't judge you, cry about things that upset me, that to someone else, they might find ridiculous. Its my own little world. For 50 minutes a week, its my thing.
When I first started, it was really tough, and I came out feeling broken, but as I'm working through problems, I actually look forward to it! Having not had a session for 2 weeks due to mine and my therapist's holiday running into each others, I've missed it! I'm on my way there now actually. Who knows what will come up this week, but its all going in the right direction!
My humble opinion on therapy.... It rocks! And I would recommend it to anyone who has something going on in their life! Depression, eating disorder, addictive personality!
Right, down to the nitty gritty. Last year, my sister Kristel, and James got married. Kristel asked me to be her Maid of Honour! I was honoured, if you pardon my cheesiness! A few things were going on in my life at the moment, and ED was ready to attack. Bridesmaid dress shopping, and I was to be bridesmaid alongside a friend of ours, Joey. She was pregnant, and due to be 8 months on the wedding day. My worst nightmare....what if I'm mistaken for the pregnant bridesmaid? Did I look pregnant, no I didn't, but that's not what ED told me everytime I looked at my beautiful dress!
This is when it kicked off. I started being sick, I started hating the way I looked. Even on the day, the happiest day of my sister's life, my best friend, and I was a wreck inside!
Don't worry, ED was there with his acting lessons again, and a smile was plastered across my face. I was happy.... For my sister and James. I was happy to be such a big part of the day, I was happy with the diamond pendant my sister gave me (who wouldn't be?). So before anyone, including Kristel, thinks that I was secretly hoping that I wasn't there or anything, it wasn't like that.
The wedding was amazing, it was gorgeous and I was in my element as event organiser (Serenity - my other business that I'm building).... Sorry for the shameless plug!
Then that fateful day, the day every bride longs for after the wedding is over....the photos are ready! Kristel was so excited. And I was excited for her.
In my selfish part of my mind, where ED resides, I was in bits.
I was nervous, what if I look like a cow, God I hope Shaneen (the photographer) has edited me to make me 3 stone lighter, but why would she? It wasn't even my wedding! Plus I don't think photographers would edit photos in that way anyway!
The photos were some of the most amazing photos I've ever seen, and everyone looked gorgeous. Kristel looked like an Angel, James very handsome and the pictures of the flower girls were stunning! On every photo that I came across of me, I skipped through it very quickly. God, I hate that I felt like that!
The reason I have spoken about this, is to show you how irrational you become when you've got an Eating Disorder.
Let me tell you, I look at Kristel and James' wedding photos now, and I love them! I don't look pregnant, I'm not a big fat ugly thing, I'm me! See what a difference a year makes?
When ED is in full throttle, I see a very distorted image of myself, so when I say 'I look fat and ugly', I'm not doing it for attention, that's how I feel.
Ok, apologies as I've been writing this blog instalment for the last 3 weeks. I've been so busy as its half term and I have my little Amelie at work with me most days, plus I'm decorating as well as a million other things. So today is 13th August, nearly 3 months since my last purge session! Go me!
Anyway, the last few weeks has seen a whole new way of thinking about food, and I've got to say, I'm loving it. Sometimes I have to remind myself to be patient as with this new plan, I'm only aiming to loose a very small amount of weight every week/month, as opposed to my normal dieting frenzy of loosing 3-4lbs a week.
I'm about 5lb down from when I started I think. Had a few weeks where I stayed the same, which was expected due to loads of weekends of seeing friends etc. But I was fine with that! See how I'm changing?
It was last week that sent me a little off the beaten track. I managed to gain 2lbs, even though I'd been super good, stuck to my plan (all but one roast dinner), and done lots of exercise. I weighed in and felt gutted! Gaining weight when you've been so good is rubbish! Yet I felt so good, I was wearing my slightly smaller clothes and I'd lost an inch from my chest, waist and hips!
So after a day of stropping around, biting Steve's head off when he told me 'its not the end of the world Lou', I perked up and realised that I will have weeks like this, let's face it, I'm not on a diet, I'm just changing certain things.
So to boost myself this week, I convinced Kristel to come out running with me on Saturday. We done 20 minutes non stop, which for my 1st run in about 2 years, I was quite proud. And then we did it again on Sunday! We had my cousin Suzy's baby shower which we knew we'd be eating lots of cakes and yummy food, so we thought we'd earn our cakes by running around.
Let me tell you, those cakes and scones were amazing and totally worth it, but I'm aching like a decrepit old woman today! Honestly, you'd think I'd run a marathon for how much I've moaned today about my aching groin, stomach muscles, arms...God even my fingers hurt! But Kristel and I have decided to keep the running up at the weekend to earn ourselves the little extra treats we want throughout the week!
I feel like I'm thinking like a new person! Is this how normal people think? I want a take away on Friday, so I'll do 20 minutes on the bike!
Anyway, this blog is quite randomly written, as I've written it over several weeks! But on the whole, I'm doing good! I feel wonderful and my aim to loose a little weight is well under way!
I'm on way to my 1st therapy session for 3 weeks, and I'm really looking forward to it! Now that both of our holidays are over, we can go back to weekly sessions again!
So on that note, I bid you farewell and I promise that once my life calms down (like not decorating every room in my house, seeing every friend I have, having Amelie at work with me, organising events etc), I'll get back to more frequent blogging!
Thanks again for your support!
Love from Louise x
I've been on holiday and had a fabulous time! Went to The Lake District with Stevo, Amelie, Kristel and James (bro in law), and we had a brilliant time!
I made the decision before I went that I was going to enjoy myself, and not think too much about food and putting weight on, which is usually a massive problem for me!
The path that usually leads upto a holiday is to diet like mad in the weeks before, take ridiculous amounts of laxatives, starve myself when possible, and throw up when I did eat, just to achieve a weight loss before going away. Then holiday would usually be over eating and being sick when I can!
I have obviously turned a corner, as this holiday was different!
As I wrote in my last blog, I had started on a new healthy eating and healthy thinking way of life. As I mentioned, I had a very gentle loss of a few lbs over a few weeks, which was my aim. But this wasn't about loosing weight for my holiday, this just happened to coincide with that.
I went away with only one thing on my mind. Have a bloody brilliant holiday.
I ate, I drank, I ate some more (including gorgeous handmade chocolate fudge) and didn't think about weight!
I had one moment when I said to Kristel that I felt big, but it was after a particularly heavy night on the wine the night before. But don't most people have those days? I still wonder what's normal thinking and what's ED thinking. Kristel assured me that she felt big too, so it must have been normal.
I expected to have put some weight on. But instead of that thought sending me out of control on a week of starvation, ridiculously trying to make up for the good time I had, therefore making me miserable, I was sensible.
I weighed myself this morning, and yeah I've gained a few lbs, but I had a damn good time doing it, so up yours ED! Stick that in your pipe and smoke it!
I am still binge/purge free! Funnily enough I have just had to work out how many days it is. Its 60 days. That's 2 months! Sitting back and thinking about it, 2 months has gone so quickly, and my mental state of mind has noticeably changed for the better.
I know that I've spoken about therapy, but I can't reiterate to you how helpful it is for someone with problems. Just to be able to talk to someone who doesn't judge you, cry about things that upset me, that to someone else, they might find ridiculous. Its my own little world. For 50 minutes a week, its my thing.
When I first started, it was really tough, and I came out feeling broken, but as I'm working through problems, I actually look forward to it! Having not had a session for 2 weeks due to mine and my therapist's holiday running into each others, I've missed it! I'm on my way there now actually. Who knows what will come up this week, but its all going in the right direction!
My humble opinion on therapy.... It rocks! And I would recommend it to anyone who has something going on in their life! Depression, eating disorder, addictive personality!
Right, down to the nitty gritty. Last year, my sister Kristel, and James got married. Kristel asked me to be her Maid of Honour! I was honoured, if you pardon my cheesiness! A few things were going on in my life at the moment, and ED was ready to attack. Bridesmaid dress shopping, and I was to be bridesmaid alongside a friend of ours, Joey. She was pregnant, and due to be 8 months on the wedding day. My worst nightmare....what if I'm mistaken for the pregnant bridesmaid? Did I look pregnant, no I didn't, but that's not what ED told me everytime I looked at my beautiful dress!
This is when it kicked off. I started being sick, I started hating the way I looked. Even on the day, the happiest day of my sister's life, my best friend, and I was a wreck inside!
Don't worry, ED was there with his acting lessons again, and a smile was plastered across my face. I was happy.... For my sister and James. I was happy to be such a big part of the day, I was happy with the diamond pendant my sister gave me (who wouldn't be?). So before anyone, including Kristel, thinks that I was secretly hoping that I wasn't there or anything, it wasn't like that.
The wedding was amazing, it was gorgeous and I was in my element as event organiser (Serenity - my other business that I'm building).... Sorry for the shameless plug!
Then that fateful day, the day every bride longs for after the wedding is over....the photos are ready! Kristel was so excited. And I was excited for her.
In my selfish part of my mind, where ED resides, I was in bits.
I was nervous, what if I look like a cow, God I hope Shaneen (the photographer) has edited me to make me 3 stone lighter, but why would she? It wasn't even my wedding! Plus I don't think photographers would edit photos in that way anyway!
The photos were some of the most amazing photos I've ever seen, and everyone looked gorgeous. Kristel looked like an Angel, James very handsome and the pictures of the flower girls were stunning! On every photo that I came across of me, I skipped through it very quickly. God, I hate that I felt like that!
The reason I have spoken about this, is to show you how irrational you become when you've got an Eating Disorder.
Let me tell you, I look at Kristel and James' wedding photos now, and I love them! I don't look pregnant, I'm not a big fat ugly thing, I'm me! See what a difference a year makes?
When ED is in full throttle, I see a very distorted image of myself, so when I say 'I look fat and ugly', I'm not doing it for attention, that's how I feel.
Ok, apologies as I've been writing this blog instalment for the last 3 weeks. I've been so busy as its half term and I have my little Amelie at work with me most days, plus I'm decorating as well as a million other things. So today is 13th August, nearly 3 months since my last purge session! Go me!
Anyway, the last few weeks has seen a whole new way of thinking about food, and I've got to say, I'm loving it. Sometimes I have to remind myself to be patient as with this new plan, I'm only aiming to loose a very small amount of weight every week/month, as opposed to my normal dieting frenzy of loosing 3-4lbs a week.
I'm about 5lb down from when I started I think. Had a few weeks where I stayed the same, which was expected due to loads of weekends of seeing friends etc. But I was fine with that! See how I'm changing?
It was last week that sent me a little off the beaten track. I managed to gain 2lbs, even though I'd been super good, stuck to my plan (all but one roast dinner), and done lots of exercise. I weighed in and felt gutted! Gaining weight when you've been so good is rubbish! Yet I felt so good, I was wearing my slightly smaller clothes and I'd lost an inch from my chest, waist and hips!
So after a day of stropping around, biting Steve's head off when he told me 'its not the end of the world Lou', I perked up and realised that I will have weeks like this, let's face it, I'm not on a diet, I'm just changing certain things.
So to boost myself this week, I convinced Kristel to come out running with me on Saturday. We done 20 minutes non stop, which for my 1st run in about 2 years, I was quite proud. And then we did it again on Sunday! We had my cousin Suzy's baby shower which we knew we'd be eating lots of cakes and yummy food, so we thought we'd earn our cakes by running around.
Let me tell you, those cakes and scones were amazing and totally worth it, but I'm aching like a decrepit old woman today! Honestly, you'd think I'd run a marathon for how much I've moaned today about my aching groin, stomach muscles, arms...God even my fingers hurt! But Kristel and I have decided to keep the running up at the weekend to earn ourselves the little extra treats we want throughout the week!
I feel like I'm thinking like a new person! Is this how normal people think? I want a take away on Friday, so I'll do 20 minutes on the bike!
Anyway, this blog is quite randomly written, as I've written it over several weeks! But on the whole, I'm doing good! I feel wonderful and my aim to loose a little weight is well under way!
I'm on way to my 1st therapy session for 3 weeks, and I'm really looking forward to it! Now that both of our holidays are over, we can go back to weekly sessions again!
So on that note, I bid you farewell and I promise that once my life calms down (like not decorating every room in my house, seeing every friend I have, having Amelie at work with me, organising events etc), I'll get back to more frequent blogging!
Thanks again for your support!
Love from Louise x
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