Will I ever be free from ED?

The longest I went without being a victim of ED was just under 3 years! If you have suffered with an eating disorder, you will know what a huge achievement that is. If you've read my whole blog so far, you will understand how hard it was!
Falling off the wagon in July last year was tough, I fell really hard, and it hurt. I was 6 weeks off being binge/purge free. I used to say ED free, but I think that ED will always be part of my life, plus, I'd dabbled quite a bit in starving myself for days on end after a heavy weekend, so to say that I was ED free would be a lie. But being sick and using laxatives again was where it grabbed hold of me like a noose round my throat!

At 1st it was only once a week or so, then it got more and more frequent, really quickly! ED has a habit of taking control as soon as he sees the weakness. I don't remember binging at all, but I was definitely over eating on purpose and using a lot of laxatives and being sick again.

I remember thinking 'what a waste the last (nearly) 3 years have been! Well ED was thinking that anyway, I was breaking down inside. But I kept my smile in place, and the bathroom door locked!

I'd sit on the bathroom floor after being sick, and berate myself for giving in, for letting that evil Man back into my life.

I knew that I had to get help again, but I think ED had already started to control me by the time I thought about help. The reason I think this, is because I allowed myself to have a fling with him. For a couple of months anyway. I thought he could he help me loose weight.

I spoke to Steve about it, and we made an appointment with my lovely GP. He has been amazing and really helped me.
At this stage, the binge/purge cycle wasn't too bad. And now that Steve knew, and my close friends and family, I knew that I couldn't betray them by sneaking off to the toilet after dinner. In my naivety, I thought that just telling Steve, admitting that I had a problem again, would make ED vanish.
He didn't, and in the 3 months it took to get a referral, and then the subsequent 5 months it took to start my therapy, ED got stronger and I got weaker.

The 1st time round (in 2008) when I went to the GP with my problem, I was referred and was receiving intense treatment within 2 weeks! I had private healthcare and was a day patient at The Priory.
Man, I miss private healthcare.

Anyway, in the lead upto Christmas, EDs presence was mainly in laxative abuse, the ocassional binge/purge episode. But then its like he found some new powers and all of the treatment I'd received in The Priory, in the way of Self Image Group, Confidence Building Group, ED Group and various others, I'd forgotten how to fight him off.

I was back to be being Fat, and Ugly and un deserving of anything nice. I started to hate myself again. The depression that ED brings is Self Loathing!

I started to loose my confidence, I didn't want to go out with friends, I started avoiding people.
To me, everything was about food, weight, exercise and how I should be doing more. Everyone's status on Facebook was aimed at me
'Caroline is going to the gym'
'Sid has just started Slimming World'
'Gary needs to loose weight'.
Names have been changed to protect my friend's identity, ha ha! Now you're wondering if its you right???

I honestly thought that everyone was ganging up on me.
For those of you who know me; remember my Facebook Break? This was why! I couldn't bare to hear about other people's lives. How happy someone was, made me jealous it wasn't me. How miserable someone was, made me feel like I should be more miserable.

Do you see how ED can affect the mind of someone with an Eating Disorder and Depression? Its totally warped, and only now that I'm getting more healthy in mind do I see how ridiculous I was to think these things about my friends!!

I started binging and vomiting in secret, when I was alone in the house. I had a lot going on with debt, childcare and various other things, and I used ED as a way of coping with them. He's good at that, helping you forget about your life.... for all of 10 minutes! So not that good really!

I started to wear baggy clothes again, to hide my 'huge bulk' as I used to refer to it. I didn't like anyone looking at me, I didn't want my photo taken, and I stopped being 'me'.

Steve is probably the only one who knows the full extent of what went on. He see the depression, the tears before going out with a friend as I just couldn't find anything to wear, I looked fat. I'd sit in bed at night desperately trying to sleep, but my mind raced with ways to try to stop what was happening to me.
Steve see ED slowly picking holes in me, and no matter what he said to try to persuade me otherwise, ED always won!

Even my close family and friends only got to see glimpses of how low I got, as ED makes you this Oscar winning actor. I could suck it up and put a smile on my face, go out, be the life and soul, but inside I was a wreck.

Can you see that I'm referring to how I felt in the past contents? That's because I don't feel like that anymore. I have days where 'nothing fits', hey doesn't every woman? I have days where food is all I can think about, but I guess I have to accept that most normal people have days like this too!

Today is 2nd July 2012, and I am 39 days binge/purge free! How flipping great is that?
I am so proud of myself!
I also got weighed at hospital last week, and have managed to maintain my weight! That's a huge achievement, as its so easy to start putting weight on when you stop throwing up!
I had blood tests as well to check how everything inside was doing, make sure I hadn't damaged anything, and I also got the all clear from that!

So, will I ever be free of ED? Probably not. I think he'll always be somewhere in my mind, lurking in the aisles at the supermarket, whispering in my ear when I'm having a Friday night chinese with Steve. But at the moment, I'm finding the strength to ignore him. I'm stronger than ED!
Do you know how great it feels it feels to say that I'm stronger than him?

Since writing my blog, I've had the most amazing amount of support from my friends and family, lovely messages saying that they didn't know the extent of my illness and thanking me for putting the word out there and being so honest. I've also had messages from complete strangers, people who have also suffered with an Eating Disorder, and have stumbled across my blog in a search engine, on Twitter or through a mutual friend.
A lovely woman in her 40s gave me a huge amount of determination to keep fighting, to keep writing. She had also suffered with an eating disorder as a young woman, but managed to shake him off, managed to deal with it and bury it! She has been ED free for nearly 20 years now!
That could be me!! NO wait, that WILL be me!!!!

Message to ED. You may not like me very much, I may not be what you want, but I have a lot of people who do, and with their help, I'm going to get rid of you, and learn to start loving me for me again!