What is Depression? I still don't know!

Depression. It's not something that I can fully explain. It comes and it goes. Well, for me it does. I've had therapy, and I have dealt with all of my childhood problems, reasons for ending up in therapy, and learned so many new ways of dealing with it. That doesn't mean it's gone for good. That doesn't mean that when it pops up suddenly I can say 'oh hang on, I've already dealt with you' or 'wait there whilst I meditate this out of me' 

I'm in the throes of a bad cycle again and I'm fully aware of what I need to do to get back on track. 

I've spent the last few days feeling very sorry for myself (mainly coz I've been struck down with yet another cough/cold), but also feeling down, lost, upset. 

I've been speaking to steve about it very openly, and I've been to the doctor who has upped my anti depressants, given me sleeping pills and referred me back to counselling! He wanted to sign me off work, but I wanted to carry on as 'normal' 

I know that the inevitable question is on everyone's lips. 'So is ED along for the ride?' Of course he is, but not in the way he likes to be. 

I'd been casually using him on and off for months last year, having weeks or freedom from him, bouts of binging on him, but since this new little blip, no, I'm not acting out with him. I've been the longest ED free recently than I have in a while. So I'm really happy that He is loosing his power. 

He's still there every morning telling me to weigh myself, that those trousers look hideous coz they show far too much fat hip. But I now have out loud conversations with him and tell him to Fuck off! I'm pretty sure amelie thinks I'm crazy! 

Steve has been amazing at helping me, but sometimes he just doesn't get it. Which is why he's going to be joining me at a few of my counselling sessions. So he can understand why, or better yet, see a professional and see how I talk to them, see how they talk back to me. 

As life is what it is, it's not exactly easy at the moment. Family problems, work problems, having a pre-adolescent 9 year old, loosing my lovely auntie Patty. I guess there comes a time when enough crap is too much crap. 

I'm great at supporting other people. I don't like to sound all self praise here, but helping other people is what I do best. I've recently been told by a friend that I would be a great counsellor myself! Advising other people comes naturally to me, it makes me feel good when they follow a piece of my advice and it makes them feel better. I've been doing this a lot lately, with a lot of people. I guess I'm not the only person with problems. 

And whilst I have been doing my best to support my friends and family, it's easy to let my own problems falls wayside! I guess that's why I like it so much. If I focus on someone else's shitty problem, it stops home overthinking my own. 

I had a spiritual reading in January, and this came up a couple of times. 

'You're not looking after yourself'

'You think you can cure everyone else's problems' 

'Stop focussing so much on other people' 

Well, she was right. The problem is, I'm a bit of a control freak. So whether you want my advice or not, you're gonna get it! Sorry about that! 

I've since been realising that how someone else could tell me how to get over my depression/bad patch/ED, it's only for me to want to go out and tackle those things and deal with my own thing in my own way. And I need to respect my friends and family enough to do the same! That's not gonna stop me still trying to advise you....but for my own sanity, not expect you to do it just because I've told you how to! 

Well, life is really getting me down at the moment, and after a major breakdown at work on Monday, decided that getting signed off for a couple of weeks was probably best. I need to let my mind heal from this latest bout of crap, so a week or two at home, focussing on my needs, letting my new dose of tablets kick in, and getting my brain ready for the next adventure in my life. 

By the way, if you do see me and I'm staring blankly at you, that'll be the meds! I'm like a God damn zombie at the moment! 

I don't usually blog when I'm in the throes of a bad cycle, so I'm sorry I don't have happy ending for you today. But I will still continue to write, and hopefully in a few weeks you'll see progress!!! 

For now, I'm going to watch the sun rise and have a cuppa whilst listening to the woodpecker in my garden!!! 

What a load of arse!

Hello there my lovely friends, family and followers, 

I'm not too happy to be here once again, but I am, and there is no getting away from it! 

I guess at some stage I'll have to admit that I'm going to be the kind of person who needs to have help from time to time. And then blog about it to update anyone who is interested! 

If you've been following my story, or more recently, my FB updates, you'll know that 2014 was a shitty year for my health. 

I had an anal Fistular, I may bore you more about that later, but let's just say that the physical side effects unfortunately brought on the psychological side effects. I wrote last June or July to say that I'd had a bout of my evil little buddy ED rearing his ugly head. Luckily I caught it in time and managed to get it under control. 

Since then, my physical health deteriorated and by November, I was ready to be put back in the crazy house!!! 

All in all, I've had 9 operations on my bum, the last of which was in February, and I got told by my surgeon last month that it looks like it was successful! Fabulous news. I'm so happy. But I'm left with the scars on my mental health, and here I am, about to embark on, what I hope will be a very short road to recovery. 

So, in November, I attended my GP with yet more pain. I was under a private surgeon at Blackheath for my issues, but my faith in him was beginning to wain. My boss had asked me to get signed off, as she could see i was struggling with pain, but also concentration. Whilst at the GP, he suggested I go back onto the crazy lady meds. Well, that's what I used to refer to them as. Now I just call them the pills that help me when I need them. Not got quite the same ring has it??? I think this visit to the doctor was the beginning of me accepting that I wasn't coping very well. I'd been bottling it up for months, and bang...I need help. 

Anyway, I went on them, finally found another surgeon and was booked in for op 8. ED  (for those who haven't read my previous blog entries, ED is my Eating Disorder-Bulimia) started creeping back in. Not a lot at first, but I was at home on my own. I was feeling down. But it didn't feel too scary. He'd come and go every few days, sometimes weeks. 

After Christmas, when I found out my procedure hadn't worked (AGAIN), I felt heart broken. Like someone had literally ripped out my heart. ED visited a little more often. But not as much as he had done in the past. 

But, in my attempt to deal with ED without trying to make too big a deal about it, the booze levels crept up again. Me and my addictions eh???

Steve was at the end of a very long journey of The Knowledge, so I didn't want to worry him with my problems, because then I'd have had to talk to him about him, and with everything he's supported me through, I just couldn't do it. I needed him to focus on the end of his exams. The stress of the knowledge was probably a factor in my dip back into addiction.

To be fair, the whole ED/booze thing hasn't effected me as much as it has in the past. I've not entered into self loathing, bad self image, and even the depression I've got hasn't been like it was before. 

 Anyway, because of the time of taken out of work, I'm under Occupational Health. They have been wonderful and really helped with my settling back into work. They suggested that I should see a counsellor as my anxiety levels have started to creep up and I'm having irrational thoughts about my health.

I had a session with a psychiatrist about 5 weeks ago, and he's agreed that counselling would do me good. 

I have spent the last 12 months in and out of hospital, being told my procedure was unsuccessful yet again, getting infection after infection. All whilst trying to hold down a job, be a mum, be a wife and live some sort of semblance of normality, all whilst being in so much pain, suffering horrendous side effects, and taking so many tablets, I rattled when I walked, or rather hobbled.

I live in fear for the day my bum starts bleeding or leaking pus (sorry for the too much information). The day I get told that my wound will yet again be opened up, with the chance of incontinance being a life long complication. For yet again taking 2 or 3 weeks off work, for which I have an enormous guilt of (I know it's not my fault, but I can't help it). My daughter yet again having to visit me in hospital, have her little life disrupted, not having Mummy be able to go swimming, soft play, walk around the park! My husband....do I need to list how much this has effected him? Honestly, the man is a saint! You know how much I love him and what he puts up with me. 

Even after my good news from my surgeon weeks ago, im still scared. I dream regularly that it's come back! This is why i'm back here again. When things in my life go wrong, I tend to reach out to ED, and to drink a little too much.

During my consultation, we assessed my ED habits, my drinking patterns, my anxiety levels etc. 

I'm drinking too much,  im using ED as a crux and I need a little councilling to try to stop my anxious thoughts, and the behaviour that I display. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not drinking a bottle of whiskey every night, I'm not drinking in the morning or in secret. But I am drinking too much. Probably a lot of people are, people reading this whilst having a cold one. But with depression/anxiety, alcohol doesn't do you any favours. It effects the brain too much. 

ED was effecting my eating on an irregular basis. I was undereating during the day so I could have a glass of wine or 3 in the evening. I'll skip a few meals in the week. I'll overeat at the weekend, sometimes resulting in sticking my fingers down my throat. 

We agreed that I should have a period of time off the wine, and see how I go. See how it effected my brain, my thoughts! 

It really helped! I didn't drink a drop for 3 weeks! Wow. I felt so different, so clear, so energetic. I enjoyed nights out with my friends and drank soft drinks, we had weekends in doors and enjoyed lemonade and lime! Rock N Roll eh?

Don't get me wrong, it was hard, but not as hard as I thought!!!! And I actually enjoyed it. 

It worked too. I haven't had any episodes of ED since the day I see the psych! 5 weeks ago. 

The exercise was to see if I had a physical or psychological addiction. Luckily, I don't have either. It's more a habit! Just sort of got used to getting in and cracking open a bottle of wine! And as the advert goes... 1 leads to 2, 2 leads to finishing off the bottle. Before you know it, every night feels like the weekend.

I'm now only drinking at the weekends. And it's a lot less, as the period of abstinence has turned me into a bit of a lightweight!!! 

I've also started at the gym again. And I'm loving it! I get such a buzz from It. I'm also doing an abs challenge with my sister Kristel and  our friend Martina and we talk everyday a encourage each other, as it bloody hard work!!! We are all thriving on it, and are now looking at doing a new challenge every month. It's great.

Exercise really does help get the endorphins buzzing around! 

I'm loosing inches again too! 

So anyway, I'm seeing a psychologist on a weekly basis now, and have ACT therapy (Acceptance and commitment therapy). I think it's going to be good for me. 

I'm also going to be doing some work with Amelie (as advised by my prof), as my illness has effected her quite a bit. She's become increasingly anxious about her health and safety, and panics over the slightest thing. She has  separation anxiety from me, and it's because of the time I spent away in hospital last year. So together we're going to lessen our anxieties and get back to normal! Bless her though, I guess she could have been effected worse. She's just such a great kid, and the guilt I feel for effecting her mental state is horrendous. Her and Steve are my world. 

So, looking forward...

This year has been such a massive turn around! Steve passed the Knowledge and is now a London Taxi Driver! My Bum is fixed! Our Finances are on the up. I love my job! Amelie is thriving at school! I just need to continue with my therapy to help sort out that side of things, and we're ready for our award of Happiest Family in London! 

As always, thank you for reading, supporting, helping and listening!!

I'm here for you if I can do the same for you!!!

Love Lou x

 

PS. Apologies for the writing in past tense, future tense, and the present, but I have been writing this, editing it and coming back to it for a few weeks now, so it's a bit higgledy piggledy. I hope that you get the gist though! 

A visit from an old 'friend'

Hello there. Well, it's been a while. 

I haven't had the need to write for a long time, until recently. But it's taken me a while to get my head round it. 

So, ED came to stay earlier this year. Quite out of the blue, but he came with a suitcase, so it wasn't just a flying visit unfortunately! 

Let me take you back to the start of the year. 

ED's visit started on the very sad day that my 91 year old Nan died. Nan dying wasn't a shock, it wasn't a tragedy, she was an old woman who had reached the end of her lovely life, but she's the closest person to me that's died in a very long time, and I was surprised by how much it effected me.

I just felt this overwhelming sadness, an actual pain in the pit of my stomach. 

I spent the whole day with practically my whole family, talking about her, helping with her eulogy, laughing about things she used to say and do. But, even though I was surrounded by my family, I felt this hollowness inside.

I left my aunt's house around 3pm and drove home. Waiting on my doorstep was ED with his big arms outstretched! We had the house to ourselves! 

You know the drill from here. 

My very kind boss told me to take the rest of the week off, so the next 3 days was filled with binging and purging to help with my grief. 

Strange how quickly ED sees an opportunity to pounce, but when he does, it's like I've never been without him. All of the therapy, all of the advise, all of the hard work I've done to excavate him from my life, goes! I was in a whirlwind of ED.

4 days after this started, I spoke to Steve. Came clean. In a burst of snot filled sobs, I owned up to yet again letting this awful man back into our lives. Steve said that he had been scared that something like this might happen, and he had been keeping an eye on my behaviours, trying to work out the signs. But Steve was never in the house when I done it, so what could he watch for? I've said it before, I'm very good at covering my tracks. 

It's weird, coz when I'm in that place, I loathe myself! I'm full of utter hatred for 'letting' ED get the better of me. I convince myself that it's my fault. When I stand back, having come out of the other side (yet again), I know that it's not my fault. It's an addiction, it's a mental disorder...an illness. And unfortunately, when my barriers come down, that addiction seems like the only way I can get through a rough situation. I'm getting better at asking for help. Let's think back, the 1st time I suffered in silence for 10 years! The next time around 4 months! This time, 4 days. For that alone, I should be proud of myself for not letting it get out of hand before asking for help. 

I spoke to Kristel too, and so with my amazing little unit around me, I clawed my out of ED's embrace. 

The binging stopped. But the odd dinner would be thrown up every few days, the feeling of ED's presence didn't wain, the self loathing continued. 

All the while, i'm getting on with my life, and during the next week or so, I visited the doctor about an abscess I had removed last year. It had started to give me some trouble, so off to the doctors I went. I thought it might just be an infection, another dose of anti biotics! Wrong! I needed to have more surgery. And it wasn't straight forward surgery.

The thought of having to go through that recovery again was terrifying. The operation I can handle, the recovery, not so much. If you're not familiar with my complicated issues, let me give you a little run down. 

I had an abscess last summer that unfortunately went septic and threatened to take me down. I had emergency surgery on it to drain it, followed by 2 very uncomfortable weeks of having to have the wound packed and dressed. Very unpleasant, so you can understand my nerves of having to have it done again. 

So, as it turned out, i'd developed a fistula. Which in laymens terms, is a tunnel from the inside of the wound, which leads to my anal passage. Oooh, major detail I forgot to add....this abscess is 1inch from my bum hole! Now can you understand why I so bloody nervous about having it done again?

So I had this operation to determine how complicated this fistula is, and to prep it for another operation which I'd have to have later down the line. All the time this is going on, ED is being my shoulder to cry on - or rather, the fingers down my throat. It helped me cope, it gave me power. 

In my recovery, I developed a terrible infection inside the wound, which meant another emergency operation (this being the 3rd) to remove the infected pocket. Not only did I feel awful and was in immense pain, the thought of having my arse opened up again, and the 2 weeks of excruciating painful recovery, popping pills every 3 hours, and yet more time off work, was dragging me down. And knowing that this wasn't the end with the fourth operation to come, which only has a 40% chance of working, and has a very strong possibility of making me incontinent!!!! I wasn't in a very good place! I'm due to have the 4th operation in October, so please keep your fingers crossed form me?

Who was there with his big greasy arms outstretched? You got it! ED! I used my ability to stay in control of something by throwing up food that i'd put inside me. 

So basically 2014 started really quite bad for me. I felt alone. Even though i'd told Steve and Kristel about it, I wasn't ready to share with anyone else yet, as I felt like a complete looser. I felt like i'd be letting everyone down. I yet again, plastered my 'i'm fine' face on, and pretended everything was ok. 

 

During all of this, my skin exploded with some of the worst acne I've ever had. This didn't help with the hatred I was feeling for myself. I literally wanted to crawl under a rock and stay there until my arse sorted itself out, my face stopped resembling a Mighty Meaty, and ED had fucked off. 

But unfortunately those kinds of rocks don't exist do they? Good job though. As it made me fight through. 

The purging continued until about 6 weeks ago. Not regular, but still a few times a week. I'd managed to get back to being 'me' again, the hatred started to fade, but ED still lingered.

With ED, I think that I'll always have a distorted image of myself and probably will always want to be smaller than I am (don't most girls?) . But I felt unhealthy. 

As you know, I've flittered between diets all of my life, but I needed a life plan. I needed to stop focusing on loosing weight, but start focusing on getting healthy. 

A guy who I work with is very healthy, fit, and bodybuilderesque. No, I don't want to become a body builder, but I knew he could give me some advice about nutrition, how the body actually works, good tips on fat burning in the gym. So I plucked up the courage to ask him. We went for coffee, and I sat and listened to some of the best nutritional advice I've ever had. I'm not stupid, but I honestly wasn't aware of some really quite simple facts about metabolism, starvation, calories. I think a lot of people think they know it, but actually don't. 

He advised me to up my calories, which i straight away poo pooed. No way! He told me to up my level of intensity in the gym. With the right food, at the right times, he promised me I would see results. 

What did I have to loose? I wasn't loosing any serious weight doing what I was doing and I felt like shit. So after reading up a lot about what he told me (to check he wasn't making it up, and I'd end up a stone heavier), I gave it a go.

 Sam, if you're reading this, you know how much I appreciate the help and advise. I love telling you about my inch loss and the look of pride on your face. It reflects the pride I have for myself. The pride that Steve and my nearest and dearest have for me for doing this.

It's amazing how eating the right food can make you feel. My body and mind started craving more and more healthy living. I was loving the gym (still am by the way), eating what felt like, all day, full of energy, my skin cleared up, and I felt amazing within a week. So I've continued with the plan. 

So with my new plan going, EDs presence has faded into the background. I didn't even feel him leave. No goodbye note, no 'see you soon' .... just gone!

I've been so focused on actually getting healthy, loosing fat and loving the gym, that I forgot about ED. How weird? He came so suddenly into my life again, and on my terms (without even really trying), he went away again. 

 

That's not to say that I don't think about ED still. I still have to remember that the 'full up' feeling is OK, the little treats on the weekend are fine. The proof is in the pudding....when I do have a treat day, and wake up feeling 'fat' I remember that in 6 weeks i've lost 10 inches (from chest, waist, biceps, legs, hips), and 5lbs. It's not going to go back on just because i've had a bad day. Even with ED in my ear telling me that I may as well give up and continue my affair with him. 

I will continue to live my new healthy lifestyle, and I will continue to kick ED to the gutter. 

 

Thank you for keeping with me, your support, and for helping me to continue to blog for you. This is fabulous therapy for me. Writing this all down helps me to see how far i've come. Know that you've read my blog helps me, and the comments always boost me!!! 

 

x

This time of year!

Hello! Long time no write!

I haven't been blogging, as I haven't really had much to report on the ED side of things, and there's only so many stories you can tell about hiding bags of sick or eating an entire bakery! 

My reasoning for popping up today is just to say hi really! To let you all know that I'm still ok. I don't have a number of days to report (like I used to), but it's been roughly 19 months since I last acted on my Eating Disorder, otherwise known as ED! That's a flipping massive achievement and just last week, my Dad and I had an emotional moment thinking back to the terrible state my crazy mind was at 19 months ago! 

You know, it's weird, I'm in a fantastic place in my life at the moment, couldn't be happier, but I still can't bring myself to read back over my own blog! I tried, but I found myself feeling so sad and upset about how far down the path of self destruction I was in, how much I was hurting myself (mentally) and how depressed I was! 

This time of year is hard for me and ED. We spent many years looking forward to this time of year together - too much food, lots of opportunities to sneak off for private rendezvous in the toilets, over eating and not really having to hide it, as everyone is overeating, and yet, so much guilt at my secret life!

It's also a time of year that coincidentally both sets of my crazy lady sessions stopped! Bloody shit timing eh, but it just so happened that way, twice! 

Saying goodbye to my crazy lady therapist this time last year (who, when I told her that I referred to her this way, was hysterical with laughter) was like saying goodbye to a friend who I knew I was never going to see again! I think I harped on about this last year, so I'll save you the dramatics! 

And the most obvious thing! Christmas is about food and booze . yes I know it's really about the birth of our saviour and celebrating his life, but after I've finished praying and thinking about Jesus and doing Jesus(y) things, I'm left with a whole lot of amazing food to eat, a whole lot of parties to go to, and a whole lot of guilt of how much I'm enjoying all of these things! Not so much these days, but I do still struggle to not go over the top! 

I don't think it'll matter how any months or years that ED hasn't controlled my thoughts, I think I'll probably always struggle with him at Christmas! 

So yes I'm happy, I'm content, but there is also a tiny undercurrent that follows me around. Maybe it's always there, but just seems more prominent at Christmas! 

But the key is acknowledge it! And I do! 

As much as I hate ED, I still have to accept that he's part of my life, and just check in on him every now and then! Make sure he's not sharpening his knives too much, or plotting his revenge of my dumping of him! And he hates it when I pull him up on trying to turn me again! He's my bitch now! And I intend to keep it that way!

Anyway, like I said, it was just a little blog to pop up again! 

I know that some people who read my blog, do so because they relate to me. Not necessarily to the eating disorder, but the loneliness, depression, addiction! And to all of these people, I ask how you are? Are you on your way out of your dark place? If not, I want to help you! Please reach out to  me. I only dug myself out of this shit hole by reaching out to someone else, and she was a practical stranger who I met online - right dodgy character too - ha ha, only kidding, she's ace! 

And for those of you who have come out of the other side, I take my hat off to you! 

2012 as you know was a shocking year for me (and my lovely husband). I started 2013 with the intention to make sure it was a good one, and I tell you what, it's been cracking!!! 

I cry every single New Years Eve, always  have done. Usually because of thinking of my lovely Nanny Lil and her New Year's eve tradition of out with the old and in with the new back/front door opening, which I now do! But sometimes because i'm happy and for some reason 'Old Lang Syne' makes me feel emotional! Weirdo! 

Last NYE I cried because I'd just about survived a really shitty year, and was determined to not have another one the same! I haven't! It wasn't luck, it wasn't 'in the stars', it wasn't because of circumstance, it was because I, or actually, we, Steve and I made it! We got help from our guardian angels (Dad and Kristel and all of our friends and family), but we rocked 2013!!!!! 

If this year has been a shit one for you, make 2014 your year! It won't happen unless you make it!!!

Anyway, I want to wish you a merry Christmas and a very happy, healthy new year!!! 

May all of your dreams come true, and all of your wishes become realities!!! God I'm getting sentimental in my old age!!!!

Oh, and by the way, ED - Ya Mum!!!! 

Now I get it!

What a difference a year makes! Yep, I made it 1 year without acting on my Weird Crazy EDness! Not one binge, not one purge! I've been tempted, and come very close, but I managed to peel ED's rancid, moldy  scummy claws out of my still healing and sensitive skin, and tell him to piss off! 

Can I get a standing ovation? Maybe a Mexican wave in my honour??? 

So my last blog saw me saying goodbye to a really tough year that was 2012. It was a hard blog to write, digging deep over 7 months or so of battling with my ex, ED! But it felt good to be saying adios, and looking to a new year of feeling happy, feeling healthy and finally rebuilding my self esteem, learning to love myself and look after myself again! Let me tell ya...I have! 

I feel like a new woman and I'll no doubt bore you with telling you why! Don't worry, I'll try to throw in a bit of drama and depression to keep you gripped! Lets face it, no-one wants to just hear about how great everything is, do they? 

I'll start off with my amazing breakthrough in life! The title of this blog entry is 'Now I get it' The 'it' being 'healthy living' 

I always thought I knew it all. Always thought I knew what I was doing to my body, knew how to get slim, knew what to do, but always blamed being over weight on various factors. No will power, ED (mostly ED), lifestyle,circumstance, supermarket aisle arrangement, my PCOS (Polycystic Overy Syndrome), maybe I've got an under active thyroid, a slow metabolism? No time to eat healthily, blah blah blah! 

I still have crappy will power, my PCOS probably is a factor (a very small one), lifestyle etc etc, but I also know that the reason I was overweight, using ED as get out clause, is mainly because I had no idea of what I was doing to myself! The food I was eating, the amount I was eating, and the exercise I was doing was just not enough to counteract my intake! 

God, I'm gonna sound like a real no-it-all now, but I really want to share my developing mind. 

So it's been 4 months since I started to understand properly! You might remember last year I said I was following a calorie controlled plan, using My Fitness Pal app on my phone. I wasn't really following it to the tee. I was being honest about my food and alcohol intake from Monday to Thursday night, then taking the weekend off! So my weight was bouncing up and down by 3-4lbs and not really getting anywhere. 

So the beginning of Feb, i had a bit of a meltdown to Kristel. 'Why aren't I loosing any weight, what more can I do?' She explained how the plan worked. Kristel is THEE My Fitness Pal spokesperson by the way. Not officially, but she should be paid for all of the help she's given other people for explaining it, and for for loosing 4.5stone on it herself. Can we get a round of applause for my skinny sister? 

Anyway, I could still eat a bit more at the weekend, still have a boozy Saturday if I wanted, but I had to still log everything I was consuming...,Monday to Sunday. See what my weekly average of calorie consumption was. 

It took me a few weeks to get my head round it and believe that I could actually loose weight, even though I had a mega weekend... but it was because i'd saved my calories up through the week, doing more exercise to earn extra calories so that I didn't feel guilty about my Saturday night take away! 

It's the healthiest i've ever been towards food and exercise. It's like something inside me snapped and was like 'This is what most people actually do to loose weight, then maintain it'
 I've spent my life with my weight either being low or high and never the same for more than a few months at a time. I was either on a diet or not! 

I'm allowing myself big blow out days if I have days where I don't eat as much. 

My weight loss is averaging around 2lbs a month! Not a lot right, but you don't see me holding back on a night out, trying to survive on a poxy salad when I actually want spaghetti Bolognaise. So if you've read my blog from day 1, going back to last year, you understand what a massive breakthrough this is. 

The old Louise would need to see at least a 2-3lb weight loss every week! The old Louise would be despairing in a restaurant because I couldn't work out the exact Point/Syn/Carb value, and feeling particularly unsatisfied with my choice whilst everyone happily eats their 'treat for the week'

 

Like I say, the weight loss is slow, but this time by Christmas, I'll be another stone lighter! As they say, slowly does it!  

My exercise level has quadrupled too, which helps to earn calories, as well as totally transforming my body, and my mind if truth be told. 

They say that exercise encourages natural endorphins, it's true. 

I was always one if them people who hated the gym, forced myself to go swimming, convinced myself I enjoyed doing work out DVDs at he. Do'ya know what, I despised it! 

But I've found MY exercise that I love doing, and I've shocked myself. Bootcamp! Bloody hard work, but I love it. 

And walking! As you might know, Kristel and I are training for a 50k walking challenge in September. The training is great. We walk along (Usually some part of the Thames Path), and talk crap for hours at a time! 

The Challenge is The Thames Path Challenge (50k), and our justgiving page www.justgiving.co.uk/blisters50k if you'd like to read more. 

Anyway, getting back. I still have weird days, I still have down days, but when I look back to a year ago, I know how far I've come. 

I look forward to a future of No ED at all. It seems like a less impossible thing these days. I never thought he'd be completely gone from me, but I look forward and he's not there! 

As I say, I still have shitty days, but I'm a person, I'm a woman, I'm a Mum, a Wife etc. doesn't everyone? The problem with having had depression, is that when you have a bad day, your nearest and dearest worry that it could be depression creeping back. Especially if you have a few bad days on the spin, seem more snappy or emotional. 

I hope Kristel won't mind me mentioning a particular incident when this came up. 

I'd just had my Big Fat 30th party, and after planning it for months....okay years, it was all over. You know me, I do like to have something to plan, and I had nothing. 

 

I was looking for a job, which I quickly learnt was gonna prove harder than I thought, and be a road of rejection (an emotion I don't deal particularly well with) and the road seemed very long. 

I was being turned down from even joining job agencies given that I'd 'been out of the game' for over 3 years. 

It got me down, if I'm honest, I was well and truly pissed off. But it was just that, I was pissed off. 

I was maybe drinking slightly more than I'd got my alcohol level down to, and so my weight loss had plateaued, which pissed me off even more.

 

Kristel became worried, she was worried that I was slipping back into a mild depression. So as sisters do, we had a good chat. She told me that she was worried that I'd been down quite a bit lately, and was it a good idea that I was lowering my crazy lady meds. 

I explained that I was just having a few down days because of looking for a job, having no money, Amelie was acting up quite a bit (probably with the anticipation of change on the horizon), and it was just general feeling down, rather than my old depression creeping back in. 

I know that given my history, and how quickly I went from being 'Louise' to being 'crazy Louise who needs crazy lady drugs and councilling, TWICE' I know that my nearest and dearest are probably on high alert. And I love that Kristel was caring for me, and just looking for the old signs. But it was just regular, 'not that crazy Louise' feeling pissed off. 

Anyway, I mentioned that I was coming off my Crazy Lady Meds. It was something I done with my doctor, a process we did slowly, and I knew inside that I was ready. 

I was on 40mgs before Christmas, we then went down to 20mgs for 6 weeks, them to 10mgs, down to 10mgs every other day. I've been off them for about 6 weeks now, and no sign of bring completely unstable without them, so here I am, pill free. 

The pills aren't something I ever felt shame taking. They bloody well helped me to stay slightly less over the edge crazy that my eating disorder had driven me to. They gave me a ledge to lean on when I really couldn't stand alone. And to Prozac, I thank you. 

Anyway, I've gone on enough. I wanted to blog on my year anniversary to celebrate what a long way I've come, to show any sufferers out there that it can be done. Encourage anyone with an addiction, depression or whatever it is, that with hard work, a year from now, you could be in a very different situation.

 

 

2012 in a nutshell!

My last blog of 2012. I'm going to take you on a journey of my inner most feelings, ups and downs and then look forward to 2013!

Well, shall we start at Midnight on January 1st 2012??? 'Happy New Year!!!!!!' I simultaneously kiss and cuddle my gorgeous husband and beautiful daughter! I turn to my Sister and have a cuddle, make my way through the room, kissing and cuddling everyone, doing Auld Langs Syne, all the time, with a smile plastered on my face! A fake smile! Don't get me wrong, I had a brilliant night, but my state of mind was at it's height of crazyness! And 'Happy New Year'? REALLY??? I wasn't happy, I was far from happy. I was just about to embark on one of the scariest processes of my life! Therapy Round 2! Getting to know my therapist, learning to trust her, opening up about the all of the demons stored in my big crazy head!

The beginning of the year started in a haze, I was so mixed up, depressed, not with it. I felt like I was constantly forgetting things, had no zest for life, I was tired, snappy, jealous of people, sensitive to the smallest of things, and ED was rubbing his hands together! It was his time to shine! And boy did he!!! I was back upto bingeing and purging at least 2 times a day! I was lying about my food intake, eating in secret, and being sick until my stomach hurt!
I was also having quite regular panic attacks. A very memorable panic attack came on Thursday 2nd of February. The day started really well, a normal day. I was doing my regular cleaning job at my Sister's house, ipod blasting in my ears whilst I dusted the dining table! Then a song came on... Jessie J, Who you are. I started to sing along to the song, then realised that the song was about me. It was like Jessie J had gotten in my head and wrote this song for me! Here are the lyrics in case you don't know the song!

I stare at my reflection in the mirror  
Why am I doing this to myself?  
Losing my mind on a tiny error  
I nearly left the real me on the shelf  No, no, no, no, no
 
Don't lose it all in the blur of the stars 
Seeing is deceiving, 
dreaming is believing  
It's okay not to be okay  

Sometimes it's hard to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing 
 Everybody's bruising 
Just be true to who you are
 
Who you are, 
who you are, 
who you are  
Who you are, 
who you are

Brushing my hair, 
do I look perfect  
I forgot what to do to fit the mold, yeah  
The more I try the less it's working, yeah, yeah, yeah 
'Cause everything inside me screams No, no, no, no, no
 
Yes, no's, egos, fake shows like boom  
Just go and leave me alone 
Real talk, real life, good luck, good night 
with a smile, that's my home, that's my home, no No, no, no, no, no

Here is the link to Youtube if you want to listen! 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2WWrupMBAE 

It goes on, but I won't bore you with the repeating bit! 

Can you see how this song meant so much to me??? Its ok not to be ok. Yet, I felt like I was putting this facade on. I was pretending I was ok, when inside I was an emotional wreck! 

Back to the panic attack! As the song ended, I was a heap on the floor, sobbing, not able to catch my breath. I NEEDED help. I needed someone to help me! 

I pick up my phone.... 

I can't phone Steve, he has his 1st ever major exam in the morning. I can't put this on him when he's already feeling so stressed out himself! 

I can't phone Kristel. She was having her hair done and I know she doesn't get service in her hairdressers.

I can't phone Emma or Jessica, as they're at work and I know not able to take a call or reply to an email that quick.

EJ - I can't phone her as she is also at work, but I know she will reply to an email instantly. 

 

With tears streaming down my face, my breathing just returning to a slightly less heart attacky speed, I begin to type. I can't even remember what I said. I don't even know what I thought i'd gain out of sharing this with her, but as I wrote, I began to realise how low i'd sunk. I was on the edge. I blurted out how bad it had gotten again, I explained my utter petrifying fears of going into therapy again.

EJ replied very quickly telling me that everything was going to be ok.I was going to get through this and

i'd done the right thing in just blurting it all out. So, I want to thank EJ for this... a lot. 

Writing this part of 2012 has just made me really cry. The emails back and forth were a lot more detailed from I remember, but its so hard to recount how ill I was back then, so please forgive me for missing bits out!!!! 

Another huge panic attack came from an incident at my nurses office. I am still incredibly angry about this, but here goes. 

I hadn't started actual therapy yet at The Maudsley, but I had had a consultation there, been assessed for what sort of therapy i'd need, and weighed ect. 

Ok, so it's my pill check appointment with my nurse. I know the process, so I went in prepared. She asked me if I smoke, how many units of alcohol (I daren't tell her I was on about 3000 a week - ok, not 3000, but a lot), and then the dreaded scales. The conversation went like this. 

N. hop on the scales

M. I'd rather not know my weight if that's ok

N. OK, why? 

M. I'm currently receiving treatment at The Maudsley for Bulimia and my weight is a huge issue and i'm really struggling with it. 

N. Shocked face at looking at the scales You have put on 5kgs in the last month Mrs Hirst, How is that even possible? You are now **KGs!

M. Thank you Nurse, but I asked not to be told my weight. 

N. with a weight gain like that, something must be wrong

M. Yes, I am bulimic and have been trying my best not to throw everything I eat up, hence the sudden weight gain. 

N. You need to go on a diet. You are Obese. 

M. Still trying to keep myself under control. I am receiving treatment from the Eating Disorder Unit and will be put on a special plan where I will be monitored and received support. 

N. You should go on Weight Watchers or Slimming World. 

M. That's what's got me into this mess, is poxy fad diets. Now are you going to prescribe me the pill or not? Because if I'm too bloody fat for it, then fine, but this conversation is over! 

I then grabbed my prescription, went outside, got into my car, and proceeded to have a huge panic attack! I couldn't breathe! Oh, let me point out, that my 4 year old daughter was here to witness this. Something I will forever hold against that horrible, unprofessional nurse! 

I ended up having to pull over, get out of the car, and sit on the pavement. I called Kristel. All she could hear was my frantic breathing, crying and heaving. She asked me a series of questions for which I grunted answers. 'is someone dead?' 'Is Amelie OK?' 'Are you physically ok?' I got myself under control enough to tell her the story. 

>>>>>>Enter, Big Sister with a plot to take down the horrible nurse.

If it wasn't for Kristel calming me down, I'm not sure if I'd got over that incident!!! 

As you can imagine, a few very strongly worded letters of complaint were sent to my surgery, which was my compromise to Kristel and Steve that they didn't go down to the surgery and put the nurse into hospital with several broken bones.

Ive written about how my therapy started, how nervous I was in the 1st few sessions, how I learnt how to trust my lovely councillor Hana. She helped me so much. But giving myself a pat on the back here, she helped me to help myself!!!! She taught me how to help myself. Therapy rocks!!!! 

24th May - The last time I was sick!!!! That's just over 7 months ago!!!! No binge or purge sessions in 7 Months - Can I get a Hey, Can I get a Ho, Hey, Ho, Hey, Ho!!!!! I rock!!!!! 

 

It was around this time, that Kristel decided that she wanted to loose weight. She didn't talk to me about it, as she knew what a huge thing weight loss was in my world. But I started to notice she was scanning items with her phone just before eating them. I was like, 'What you doing?' It turns out, she had downloaded an app on her phone to help her calorie count. My Fitness Pal. She was exercising more and started to loose quite a bit of weight. 

I knew that my weight loss needed to kick start, being that I was overweight, and I thought, what better time to start it, with the support of having my Crazy Lady Appointments. I knew that I had to do this the sensible way, so I spoke to Hana (my crazy lady therapist) and we agreed on a very low drop in my calorie intake, just to see how I got on. The average woman should eat 2000 calories a day, so I dropped to 1860. I was pleased with that. I also started to drink less. I was feeling great. 

Together with Kristel's help, Hana's guidance and Steve's participation, I started to loose about 0.5lbs a week! A small, but steady weight loss. And I didn't, and still don't call it a Diet. It's just my Healthy Living Plan. I've continued this Plan since the summer, and managed to loose about a stone!!! But with the extra exercise, I've lost inches and feel so much better in myself!!!

Now, as I said, this blog was about the ups and downs. So far it just seems like a very down year, which it has felt like, but the ups have been there, even if few and far between. 

Steve and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary of being together. (In style I might add, in Gordon Ramsey's restaurant) My daughter started school. I've made new friends, who are friends for life. Steve, Amelie and I had a brilliant family holiday in The Lake District with Kristel and James. I had the best girly holiday ever in Marbs with some of my favourite people. But, here is the icing on the cake. As crappy as 2012 has been, it's also contributed to making me more determined than ever to healthy and happy. It's shown me who I am. Through therapy, I've learnt so much about myself, the good, the bad and the ugly! I've turned into the person who I want to be. 

 

Now, here is where I get all mushy. My thank yous. I can't name everyone, but the one's who have helped me the most are here. 

 

My Internet friends. This includes my BC girls and My Facebook friends

My gorgeous family. From my Mum, Dad, Step Dad, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles... I could go on! For everything you do!!!!!! Am I mean it!!!

My Fitness Pal - for helping me loose weight!!!! 

All of my friends - From a simple text, a night out, a joke on FB, support, advice and making me happy.

My bestest friends - 

Suzy -Texts to check up on me, cheer me up and help me get through some pretty grim times. Lovely weekends spent together which mean more to me than you know! 

Jessica - Whilst doing my nails, listening to my stories, advising me, letting me cry and snot all over her perfect hair and being there for me always!!!! 

The Edge - Billions of texts per day, random talks about Aubergines (you know what I mean), visits to me and my family to shop, eat and drink and understanding me and my crazy ladyness!!!!

Emma, Well, she's saved me from many a dark evening on my own, listening to my randomness, cheered me up, bought me out of dark places, advised me, kept a close eye on me and complimented my chicken legs quite frequently.A true, true friend who I can't live without! And 2012 has seen Thursday Club born!  What would I do without my bestie????

My Blister - Without Kristel, I fear for what would have happened to me. You helped in a way I can't describe. Billions of phone calls, mostly random to talk about nothing, trillions of texts per day, again, talking about nothing and everything. A stern talking to when I needed it, head to head kisses (no one says goodbye like us), advice, much needed support with my slow weight loss, nights in/out, company when I'm lonely, talking me down from a panic attack or 2 (then calling me a drama queen after, just to keep it real - in the nicest way possible of course) Should I go on??? You're my best friend!!!! 

The Husband - Where the hell do I start? I'll start by saying Thank you. God, this man has had a year to remember, or to forget. Lets not forget he's doing The Knowledge. Can we get a round of applause??  He started his exams (appearances) this year, AND had to deal with his dramatic wife! What a ledge!!!! He's seen me at my worst, sometimes for days on end of utter depression, listening to my 'i'm having a fat/ugly day' (quite a lot), or 'why hasn't so and so text me back, I text her 30 seconds ago, she must hate me' 'When will life give me a chance?'. He's woken me from horrific nightmares which unfortunately comes with the territory of taking crazy lady meds and digging into your past. He's cuddled me when I need it, cancelled plans when i've had 'a moment', he's honestly been there for me at every single pitfall, and there to love me through it all! You really are the best husband in the world!!!

Right, 2012 ends in 30 hours, and i've got to say, i'll be glad to see the back of it!!!!

2013 is the year of Louise - just so you know. It's going to be happy, it's going to be healthy and it's going to kick ED straight in the crotch!!! 

I have so much power over ED right now, and he hates it. He is a small, pathetic little man, cowering in the corner of my mind, and i'm so strong that he can't even begin to penetrate my happiness!!!! 

I hate ED like a cancer, but without him, I don't know if i'd be the person I am today! They say what doesn't kill us makes us stronger.... I think that I am a perfect example of this saying! 

I end this blog with tears in my eyes, but they are tears of happiness. They are tears of impending prosperity that I know 2013 will bring! 

 

Happy New Year to you all!!!!!!