What a load of arse!

Hello there my lovely friends, family and followers, 

I'm not too happy to be here once again, but I am, and there is no getting away from it! 

I guess at some stage I'll have to admit that I'm going to be the kind of person who needs to have help from time to time. And then blog about it to update anyone who is interested! 

If you've been following my story, or more recently, my FB updates, you'll know that 2014 was a shitty year for my health. 

I had an anal Fistular, I may bore you more about that later, but let's just say that the physical side effects unfortunately brought on the psychological side effects. I wrote last June or July to say that I'd had a bout of my evil little buddy ED rearing his ugly head. Luckily I caught it in time and managed to get it under control. 

Since then, my physical health deteriorated and by November, I was ready to be put back in the crazy house!!! 

All in all, I've had 9 operations on my bum, the last of which was in February, and I got told by my surgeon last month that it looks like it was successful! Fabulous news. I'm so happy. But I'm left with the scars on my mental health, and here I am, about to embark on, what I hope will be a very short road to recovery. 

So, in November, I attended my GP with yet more pain. I was under a private surgeon at Blackheath for my issues, but my faith in him was beginning to wain. My boss had asked me to get signed off, as she could see i was struggling with pain, but also concentration. Whilst at the GP, he suggested I go back onto the crazy lady meds. Well, that's what I used to refer to them as. Now I just call them the pills that help me when I need them. Not got quite the same ring has it??? I think this visit to the doctor was the beginning of me accepting that I wasn't coping very well. I'd been bottling it up for months, and bang...I need help. 

Anyway, I went on them, finally found another surgeon and was booked in for op 8. ED  (for those who haven't read my previous blog entries, ED is my Eating Disorder-Bulimia) started creeping back in. Not a lot at first, but I was at home on my own. I was feeling down. But it didn't feel too scary. He'd come and go every few days, sometimes weeks. 

After Christmas, when I found out my procedure hadn't worked (AGAIN), I felt heart broken. Like someone had literally ripped out my heart. ED visited a little more often. But not as much as he had done in the past. 

But, in my attempt to deal with ED without trying to make too big a deal about it, the booze levels crept up again. Me and my addictions eh???

Steve was at the end of a very long journey of The Knowledge, so I didn't want to worry him with my problems, because then I'd have had to talk to him about him, and with everything he's supported me through, I just couldn't do it. I needed him to focus on the end of his exams. The stress of the knowledge was probably a factor in my dip back into addiction.

To be fair, the whole ED/booze thing hasn't effected me as much as it has in the past. I've not entered into self loathing, bad self image, and even the depression I've got hasn't been like it was before. 

 Anyway, because of the time of taken out of work, I'm under Occupational Health. They have been wonderful and really helped with my settling back into work. They suggested that I should see a counsellor as my anxiety levels have started to creep up and I'm having irrational thoughts about my health.

I had a session with a psychiatrist about 5 weeks ago, and he's agreed that counselling would do me good. 

I have spent the last 12 months in and out of hospital, being told my procedure was unsuccessful yet again, getting infection after infection. All whilst trying to hold down a job, be a mum, be a wife and live some sort of semblance of normality, all whilst being in so much pain, suffering horrendous side effects, and taking so many tablets, I rattled when I walked, or rather hobbled.

I live in fear for the day my bum starts bleeding or leaking pus (sorry for the too much information). The day I get told that my wound will yet again be opened up, with the chance of incontinance being a life long complication. For yet again taking 2 or 3 weeks off work, for which I have an enormous guilt of (I know it's not my fault, but I can't help it). My daughter yet again having to visit me in hospital, have her little life disrupted, not having Mummy be able to go swimming, soft play, walk around the park! My husband....do I need to list how much this has effected him? Honestly, the man is a saint! You know how much I love him and what he puts up with me. 

Even after my good news from my surgeon weeks ago, im still scared. I dream regularly that it's come back! This is why i'm back here again. When things in my life go wrong, I tend to reach out to ED, and to drink a little too much.

During my consultation, we assessed my ED habits, my drinking patterns, my anxiety levels etc. 

I'm drinking too much,  im using ED as a crux and I need a little councilling to try to stop my anxious thoughts, and the behaviour that I display. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not drinking a bottle of whiskey every night, I'm not drinking in the morning or in secret. But I am drinking too much. Probably a lot of people are, people reading this whilst having a cold one. But with depression/anxiety, alcohol doesn't do you any favours. It effects the brain too much. 

ED was effecting my eating on an irregular basis. I was undereating during the day so I could have a glass of wine or 3 in the evening. I'll skip a few meals in the week. I'll overeat at the weekend, sometimes resulting in sticking my fingers down my throat. 

We agreed that I should have a period of time off the wine, and see how I go. See how it effected my brain, my thoughts! 

It really helped! I didn't drink a drop for 3 weeks! Wow. I felt so different, so clear, so energetic. I enjoyed nights out with my friends and drank soft drinks, we had weekends in doors and enjoyed lemonade and lime! Rock N Roll eh?

Don't get me wrong, it was hard, but not as hard as I thought!!!! And I actually enjoyed it. 

It worked too. I haven't had any episodes of ED since the day I see the psych! 5 weeks ago. 

The exercise was to see if I had a physical or psychological addiction. Luckily, I don't have either. It's more a habit! Just sort of got used to getting in and cracking open a bottle of wine! And as the advert goes... 1 leads to 2, 2 leads to finishing off the bottle. Before you know it, every night feels like the weekend.

I'm now only drinking at the weekends. And it's a lot less, as the period of abstinence has turned me into a bit of a lightweight!!! 

I've also started at the gym again. And I'm loving it! I get such a buzz from It. I'm also doing an abs challenge with my sister Kristel and  our friend Martina and we talk everyday a encourage each other, as it bloody hard work!!! We are all thriving on it, and are now looking at doing a new challenge every month. It's great.

Exercise really does help get the endorphins buzzing around! 

I'm loosing inches again too! 

So anyway, I'm seeing a psychologist on a weekly basis now, and have ACT therapy (Acceptance and commitment therapy). I think it's going to be good for me. 

I'm also going to be doing some work with Amelie (as advised by my prof), as my illness has effected her quite a bit. She's become increasingly anxious about her health and safety, and panics over the slightest thing. She has  separation anxiety from me, and it's because of the time I spent away in hospital last year. So together we're going to lessen our anxieties and get back to normal! Bless her though, I guess she could have been effected worse. She's just such a great kid, and the guilt I feel for effecting her mental state is horrendous. Her and Steve are my world. 

So, looking forward...

This year has been such a massive turn around! Steve passed the Knowledge and is now a London Taxi Driver! My Bum is fixed! Our Finances are on the up. I love my job! Amelie is thriving at school! I just need to continue with my therapy to help sort out that side of things, and we're ready for our award of Happiest Family in London! 

As always, thank you for reading, supporting, helping and listening!!

I'm here for you if I can do the same for you!!!

Love Lou x

 

PS. Apologies for the writing in past tense, future tense, and the present, but I have been writing this, editing it and coming back to it for a few weeks now, so it's a bit higgledy piggledy. I hope that you get the gist though!