What is Depression? I still don't know!

Depression. It's not something that I can fully explain. It comes and it goes. Well, for me it does. I've had therapy, and I have dealt with all of my childhood problems, reasons for ending up in therapy, and learned so many new ways of dealing with it. That doesn't mean it's gone for good. That doesn't mean that when it pops up suddenly I can say 'oh hang on, I've already dealt with you' or 'wait there whilst I meditate this out of me' 

I'm in the throes of a bad cycle again and I'm fully aware of what I need to do to get back on track. 

I've spent the last few days feeling very sorry for myself (mainly coz I've been struck down with yet another cough/cold), but also feeling down, lost, upset. 

I've been speaking to steve about it very openly, and I've been to the doctor who has upped my anti depressants, given me sleeping pills and referred me back to counselling! He wanted to sign me off work, but I wanted to carry on as 'normal' 

I know that the inevitable question is on everyone's lips. 'So is ED along for the ride?' Of course he is, but not in the way he likes to be. 

I'd been casually using him on and off for months last year, having weeks or freedom from him, bouts of binging on him, but since this new little blip, no, I'm not acting out with him. I've been the longest ED free recently than I have in a while. So I'm really happy that He is loosing his power. 

He's still there every morning telling me to weigh myself, that those trousers look hideous coz they show far too much fat hip. But I now have out loud conversations with him and tell him to Fuck off! I'm pretty sure amelie thinks I'm crazy! 

Steve has been amazing at helping me, but sometimes he just doesn't get it. Which is why he's going to be joining me at a few of my counselling sessions. So he can understand why, or better yet, see a professional and see how I talk to them, see how they talk back to me. 

As life is what it is, it's not exactly easy at the moment. Family problems, work problems, having a pre-adolescent 9 year old, loosing my lovely auntie Patty. I guess there comes a time when enough crap is too much crap. 

I'm great at supporting other people. I don't like to sound all self praise here, but helping other people is what I do best. I've recently been told by a friend that I would be a great counsellor myself! Advising other people comes naturally to me, it makes me feel good when they follow a piece of my advice and it makes them feel better. I've been doing this a lot lately, with a lot of people. I guess I'm not the only person with problems. 

And whilst I have been doing my best to support my friends and family, it's easy to let my own problems falls wayside! I guess that's why I like it so much. If I focus on someone else's shitty problem, it stops home overthinking my own. 

I had a spiritual reading in January, and this came up a couple of times. 

'You're not looking after yourself'

'You think you can cure everyone else's problems' 

'Stop focussing so much on other people' 

Well, she was right. The problem is, I'm a bit of a control freak. So whether you want my advice or not, you're gonna get it! Sorry about that! 

I've since been realising that how someone else could tell me how to get over my depression/bad patch/ED, it's only for me to want to go out and tackle those things and deal with my own thing in my own way. And I need to respect my friends and family enough to do the same! That's not gonna stop me still trying to advise you....but for my own sanity, not expect you to do it just because I've told you how to! 

Well, life is really getting me down at the moment, and after a major breakdown at work on Monday, decided that getting signed off for a couple of weeks was probably best. I need to let my mind heal from this latest bout of crap, so a week or two at home, focussing on my needs, letting my new dose of tablets kick in, and getting my brain ready for the next adventure in my life. 

By the way, if you do see me and I'm staring blankly at you, that'll be the meds! I'm like a God damn zombie at the moment! 

I don't usually blog when I'm in the throes of a bad cycle, so I'm sorry I don't have happy ending for you today. But I will still continue to write, and hopefully in a few weeks you'll see progress!!! 

For now, I'm going to watch the sun rise and have a cuppa whilst listening to the woodpecker in my garden!!!